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female
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anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep this short. I'm 25 years old and I have a 6 year old daughter I've been dating for the past 4 years since I split from her father. The problem I'm having is I feel like men don't want to enter a relationship with me because I have a child. I've been in two relationships since and both ended because one was tired of my ex trying to be involved in our child's life and the other guy wasn't too fond of children in general (after 6 months into it, he met my daughter and I found this out). I have a great job, I'm taking care of my daughter on my own (her father is being treated for schizophrenia in a mental hospital), and I do make time for the guys I date, but they always seem to have a problem with the fact that I have a child. I've been told many times by so called "friends," that I will get the "bottom of the barrel" type of guys because no successful or really attractive man is going to want me. It's become so discouraging lately because many guys find me attractive and say they love my personality, but when I mention my child, they either stop talking to me, go on one date and bail the next, or want to reduce me to a one night stand. Am I being paranoid? Or should I stop trying to find love? I really want to get married someday and eventually have more children. Am I trying to create a fairy-tale that most likely will never come true?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 June 2014):
 Have you tried going to Parents Without Partners to meet eligible men to date? Of course they would have children too....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Most young single women are not thrilled to found out a guy has a previous wife that gets part of his paycheck and a portion of his time/effort because of kids. Same principle. Pre-existing family obligations do reduce a person's value on the dating scene, man or woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Cerberus, I am beginning to think that you are a really great guy - what you say about dating single parents is wonderful.
When I was 25 I was divorced with a 5 year old and truly believed I would never, ever find love again. I had no support and had never had a good relationship with my mother who put me down at every opportunity.
Because of my OWN low self esteem and mindset I accepted a guy into my life who was 50/50. Fifty percent wonderful, fifty percent vile. In all that time I used to crave being with someone who would treat me better. I stayed with him for almost two decades, finally giving up due to his alcoholism.
It's true that, at your age and when other men found out I had a child, they really did not want to know and I was SO sensitive to it that I took it very much to heart. If any other man showed interest in me, my boyfriend (the 50/50 one) would be sure to somehow communicate to them that I was a single parent and I'd find they would instantly drop any flirtation with me. It was his way of keeping me for himself - sounds sweet maybe, but it was vile. He was a total control freak. Most of our relationship I was housebound and isolated whilst he was out having a great time. I'd told myself I couldn't expect anything else, and so accepted it and it has basically ruined my life.
I'm 46 now and having to start all over again. I still sometimes have the same problem as men sometimes freak when they realise my daughter is 26 - especially younger men. But I don't take it to heart as much as I used to because I've seen that all along it was the messages I gave to myself that kept me in that bad position. It didn't help that, at the time I was starting out as a single parent, the conservative government were calling single parents "the scum of society" - it caused a lot of social stigma and I felt the effects very, very deeply.
Take pride in yourself, don't let anyone tell you you deserve second best because you don't. If you take second best for you then you take it for your child also. At the end of the day it is YOUR value of yourself that will count. Don't make the mistake I made - yes men will reject you and it might hurt, but at your young age you have a much better chance of filtering out the weaker ones. Some men will be looking for a great mother figure for their kids, some men will simply adore children. It's a matter of fishing these good guys out and getting rid of the rest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually only date men 28-34. I was engaged to a 33 year old when I was 22, but my daughter's father found out when he was released from the hospital and ended up breaking us up. Her father has been away for about 2 1/2 years now and I haven't heard from him in over a year and a half. He's for the most part out of our lives due to his mental disorder. I tell the men I have a daughter almost as soon as I meet them. She's a huge part of my life so it would be pointless to keep this from a potential date. I don't have them meet her unless I think it can go somewhere, plus I don't want her to see me dating unless I am serious about someone. She's only met the two exes.She's very well-behaved and very sweet. I'm not the type of mother to spoil a child (even though everyone criticizes young single mothers) and I get complimented on my stern parenting style, so I don't think her behavior has ever been an issue.I appreciate all of your comments. They are very helpful and encouraging. Sometimes I just want to give up, but I don't think I deserve to be alone just because her father became ill shortly after she was born. Thanks again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2014): Your friends are full of shit. I dated single mothers and the child was an awesome bonus, not some kind of turn off. I mean children are easily impressed, and in my experience if you impress a child you get a lot of admiration from the mother too. Actually makes dating a bit easier unless the child is an utter nightmare kid with no discipline.
There's a few things it could be, the kind of guy you like, what your child is like behaviourally and luck. Lots of guys are put off by a woman having a child but most can in some way be okay with that.
No offence but it is possible your little angel is a brat, don't take that the wrong way but I have known that to be the case. The mother thinks the sun shines out of their kids arse and they can do no wrong but the reality is otherwise.
The only thing I can say is that maybe what your friends meant is that you're dating the bottom of the barrel or your type is that who will not be happy to deal with children.
There is also the potential of the father's situation being a sticking point. The one I had a long term relationship with was fairly nice, even if he and the mother didn't always get on. He was a decent human who left me out of it.
For most guys, OP having a kid is not the main problem. But there can be a hell of a lot of baggage attached to single mothers and unfortunately for you that's not always apparent early on to guys so like the guy you were with 6 months it may seem fine until he gets a taste of the reality of the situation.
Just keep going, OP and don't take it personally. There are a million little things that can put people off dating, and if you having a child is one of those for some men then so be it. Some people really can't handle it, it's not a personal reflection on you, and it certainly doesn't mean you won't be able to date a good guy. That said if "successful and really attractive" are your top two conditions in dating men then that is far more of a limiting factor than your child. There's nothing wrong with dating a cute guy with an okay job if he's a great guy you know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2014): I hate to admit it but some guys are quite shalllow and others hate responsibility becahse they think its their prime time to party in their 20s. I have a son with my e that is 5 yrs and I hav a great relationship with my current boyfriend.i now live with him and hav for over a year now and he is great to myself and my son. It honestly depends on the mans upbringing whether or not he will committ to you with your son. But dont give up because their are decent guys out their.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 June 2014):
 Don't listen to your friends. That's not true at all. While it is true that many men won't want to get involved with a woman with children, there are also plenty of men who wouldn't think twice about it.
Granted, I'm not a man, so I can't speak for men on this issue. However, I date women, and have dated a few women with children in the past. One of whom I still remain close with her son, despite us parting ways years ago.
Point being that it may make dating more difficult. But it's certainly not impossible. It may narrow your dating pool. But it doesn't make it impossible. You're not destined to be alone forever. Keep your head up. :)
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male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (3 June 2014):
Hi, I think at early 20's, some guys look around and there are lots of girls so they tend to choose girls without children. I think that would make sense as there is much more freedom with dating a girl and not having to get babysitters or dealing with the father. Further, there are no grandparents to worry about and lifestyle is simply for the couple to choose with no additional demands or pressures. It is simply a lot easier. At an older stage in life, then these things are not so much a pressure. I think for you, you must just simply mention earlyon that you have a child and then see if the guy stays. If he doesn't, then move on to another potential partner. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2014): You get reconstructed families all the time nowadays.
Relax, you'll meet someone.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 June 2014):
 My daughter was divorced with two sons when she met her current husband. They both are very happy and now have a total of 5 kids. My other daughter's husband has a son from a previous marriage and they now have a total of 5 kids as well. So tell those "friends" that incorporated families happen all time.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 June 2014):
You can have a man date you and love your child just as much as you do no problem. But it will take work on your part.
Most men will not date a woman with a child if that child has no discipline. If a man sees a spoiled child, and a mother who is constantly yelling at the child to behave, he will go nowhere near you. Rule of thumb… “A discipline child makes the man stay awhile.” If you can’t control your child, how are you going to be in a relationship? If your child has no discipline and he feels the need to correct your child’s behaviour, you will have arguments, which will lead to break ups.
The child’s father…If you are constantly arguing with him over the child, your relationships will not last very long. If the man sees you wisely making negotiations with the father, keeping a cool head, and control of the situation, then you will do the same in a relationship, and help to maintain peace and order in your home. The strength of woman is needed more than you can imagine.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (3 June 2014):
 I think it is true that some men would not want to be involved with a woman who already has a child. But others wouldn't be bothered by it.
What kind of man are you trying to attract? Are you going after men the same age as you? Many 25 year old men are still growing in maturity and are not looking for serious relationships, settling down, marriage kids etc. They still want to live a carefree life without pressure, go out, have fun, and not be constrained by a child. They are still wanting to play the field, so to speak.
BUT - this is their choice. You can choose to date men who have matured.
Would you be prepared to have a relationship with a man who had a child? There are many divorced men who have children who would love to be in relationships.
Would you be prepared to have a relationship with a man who was slightly older? (30's)
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 June 2014):
 I think it's true, that SOME men don't want to date a single mother, and don't want to raise another man's child. BUT not all men are like that. And those that are not like that, are NOT the bottom of the barrel kind of guys.
I wonder how LATE in the time frame when you met a guy that you TELL them about your daughter? Because I think the sooner you tell them, the SOONER YOU can separate the keepers for the "gotta go" pile.
As for the ones who think you can be "used" as a one night stand, I think that kind of guy would want to USE a girl, no matter if she is a mom or not. That is just a user.
I always said I didn't want to date a guy with kids. NOT because of the kids per se, but because of all the baggage involved. The "mom", the lack of spontaneity trips, planning, general drama and of course the whole getting attached to a kid and then the relationship doesn't work, so you end up breaking up with a guy and losing the kid too. Yet, I ended up marrying a guy with kids. If I could do it over, knowing what I know... I would STICK to guys without kids. And with that said, I love my husband, I love our kids, I love HIS kids. But that amount of DRAMA and SHIT I have had to take from (HIS) children's moms is something I could have done with out.
Don't give up. And DO NOT settle.
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male
reader, Levsn  +, writes (3 June 2014):
I know that his is probably not what you want to hear, but sadly alot of men in this age range are not interested in bringing up a child, let alone taking care of another man's child. However, there are guys out there who would not mind this, though they are rare and probably a few years older than you.
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male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (3 June 2014):
Hi there,
I imagine this is a common problem with single mothers wanting to date.
I don't think you'll always be getting the bottom of the barrel - sure some guys won't want to deal with 'baggage' but there are plenty of mature, decent guys out there who happily take on a partners child and won't mind the ex being involved with his child. Granted, it's not the most straightforward of relationships but it's not impossible. Maybe it will take a little while to find the right guy but it will happen. It's been done plenty of times, no reason why it won't happen for you.
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