A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend seems to be going through some personal crisis, and I don't know what to do.We currently live together and are tied into our tenancy for another 4 months minimum. I am 23yo and he is nearly 30. We have been very happy living together. My boyfriend got a customer service job last year, it's an average job, and we both viewed it as a stepping stone towards a career he's more passionate about.The past few weeks he's been getting more and more down about his job, not sleeping and stressing out about work when he's not there. He dreaded going in and was making himself miserable with the thought of work. He works shifts, so works long hours 2-4 days a week, and has a lot of days off in between.I tried talking to him about it, asking him exactly what it was about work that was bothering him, but everytime it's brought up he just says he doesn't know, he just doesn't like it and it drives him mad.About 2 weeks ago, he came home after what sounded like an anxiety attack, and called in sick for the remainder of the week. He seemed very happy at home knowing he wasn't going into work. Then he was due to go back for 2 days, again he came home near the beginning of the shift. He'd spoken to his line manager and been honest and said he was having difficulty coping with the job, they were very supportive and flexible and spoke to him about different options - offering to either reduce his working hours or transferring him to another team, therefore he'd be working on something different. They even allowed him the remainder of the week off, and said to let them know on Monday and they would move forward from there.It is now Monday and I'm at my wits end. We have spoken a few times about what he wants from his career, different options, and I think he wants to run before he can walk honestly, everyone I know has had to do boring or unpleasant jobs to start with, but you gradually work your way up to the career you want - it can be challenging but I've been there myself, working minimum wage for a boss who was a bully and made my life a misery.I have asked him if there is anything else bothering him that he's not telling me about and he says no. I have asked if work are putting pressure on him, or if there is anyone being nasty that he doesn't get a long with, he says no. He is clearly doing ok in his job (work-wise) because he earns via commission and I have seen myself he is getting a high bonus each month. I am very sympathetic but only up to a point because he has now taken 2 weeks off work and he has spoken to his friends and family about his concerns as well, he has a lot of support both from the workplace and from me and everyone else because we don't want to see him unhappy.I have also mentioned to him he should go and see a doctor if he is down, however he refuses to do this as he doesn't want it on his medical record in case it effects future job prospects.He had said he was going to change teams as offered to him, and he would take it from there. I was positive about this and said that was great, to treat it like a clean slate and keep applying for jobs etc.Last night I asked if he wanted me to prepare dinner for when he got home from work and he said he wasn't going to go back into work. He was just going to quit. I was really angry it was the night before he was due to go back in and he hadn't discussed this with me. I also think this is the worst choice he can make. I made it very clear I wasn't happy about this and he said, 'yes, but I'm miserable going to work'. I told him he would be even more miserable when he can't get another job because he'd have a bad reference from his employer, when he's spent all his savings on paying the bills, and when we can't afford to do anything nice, or live together and he will be more miserable having to move back in with his parents.He just doesn't seem to think it's as big of an issue as I do, and thinks he will get another job, but it only takes a bad reference from his current employer and he won't get hired - he has a poor attendance record and quit without notice.I was so angry I just had to leave the house for a few hours to calm down as I didn't want to be hurtful and loose my temper with him. When I came back home I wasn't angry and we both spoke about it a little more calmly, he said he would go back in and work his notice (1 week) but he was definitely going to leave, which I guess is a slight improvement.I don't know how I can help him, this situation will effect me if he doesn't manage to get another job, and I just want to see him happy. I don't know whether I need to be more supportive or whether I'm just enabling him to walk away from his responsibilities, I know his parents don't push him, and I feel guilty I am the b**ch girlfriend who is getting angry at him when he is having a hard time. What can I do? Thanks for reading and any thoughts you might want to share.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 I am for a middle course here.
Yes of course he must kick himself in his backside and go finish his notice, or , whatever period of time, even longer than that, strictly necessary to allow him to leave this job with decent references. Doing differently is career suicide.
Oth, insisting that he stays in a job where he is so obviously unhappy, for whatever reason, feels ...cruel. Years ago, I forced myself to stay some YEARS in a job that I loathed , because it was the sensible thing to do- on paper, it was a very good job, with excellent pay, several perks, and long hours, but customizable to my needs. In practice, ... I had developed a nervous stammering and a chain-smoking addiction. I sort of put myself on autopilot Monday to Friday, and I just lived in, and for , the weekends. Nowadays, those
( few,luckily ) years feel like a blur, it's like I haven't consciously lived them , but for the weekends. Strange enough, but some times being sensible and being practical.. it's a luxury you can't afford.
As for him seeing a doctor, you can't force him if he refuses to go , but maybe you should still try to persuade him. HE wants to join the Army, fine - but I suppose the UK citizens surely would not need ,or benefit from, a
( secretly )anxious or stressed out marine or pilot to defend their country !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Reading your post I thought your boyfriend was about 18 at the most. He's behaving like a spoiled teenager, not a grown man. There are tons of men like this in the world, who aren't prepared to go through that stage that for the vast majority of people is necessary - yes, doing the shit job for a year and suffering being bullied by a horrible boss - those of us who've done it realise it's horrible to go through but it's sometimes the only way to get ahead.
Your boyfriend wants to skip that route altogether and be one of the 'lucky' ones who can land the job of his dreams straight away. For the vast majority it simply doesn't happen. He's in cloud cuckoo land and there are plenty of other men who'd take his job and relish the opportunity; that's the kind of man you want, not this spoiled kid. Send him home to his Mummy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): @honeypie thank you for your response and reaffirming what I felt, i am the OP.
He does have a large amount of savings, so benefits won't be an issue but even still the savings arent infinite they may last a year and it is a shame to whittle them away for this.
He does want to join the military and I have checked their medical criteria and he is correct in saying he would not be accepted based on anxiety or depression within the last 3 years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I think YOU are being a VERY realistic GF, not a bitch AT ALL. If he quits he might not be able to get benefits while looking for another job, so WHO is going to pay all the bills? YOU?
Quitting because he HATES the job, but he can't pinpoint what it is that makes him hate it so much? I think he is a tad spoiled. He thinks he should have a fun or great job by now and because he hasn't it MUST be the "jobs" fault.
Quitting and NOT giving proper notification is a KISS of death in his further search for job. They may NOT give him a reference or worse, give him a vague not at all positive one (which are useless).
I can't SEE how going to see his doctor will look bad. When applying for a job there is NO WAY for a potential employer to look into your medical records. That's bogus. UNLESS he is trying to join the military.
What I would do is have a LONG discussion or chat about what he WOULD like to do and HOW to get to a point where he CAN get a job like that. In the mean time, he needs to STICK with a job that pays the bills.
I think you handled it well.
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