A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My friend asks me my opinion on how I felt about her and her boyfriends relationship. I told her as long as shes happy thats what matters. She then tells me after a short amount of time that she now lives with him. she should have told me that to begin with and also he is drastically older than her doesnt help either.I told her the truth and no shes mad.Dont know what to do cause I dont want to not be friends with her anymore. I am tired of telling people what they want to hear instead of what is actually on my mind. What to do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 "Giving advice" is a minefield... as Cindy notes...
There IS a line between being "brutally honest"... and "compassionately vague".... and that's what one often has to do, when asked....
IN any event... when faced with a "... what are your thoughts about....?" questions.... try to learn ALL the pertinent FACTS.. AND, also, the pertinent FEELINGS and MOTIVES about the question(s)....
This doesn't apply only to "personal" issues... such as one might find in this site.... but also to other "questions".... many of which are more-readily quantified... and, thereby, have a more obvious "black-and-white" "correct" answer.... (I faced this often in my lengthy career as a service engineer!!!)
Don't shy away from tendering advice... but do be careful just how/when/where/where it is delivered...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2013):
 A strategy you could try when people ask you a question like this is to say back to them, "You're asking for my input on this? I feel honored that you consider my opinion so highly. So that I can best help you, maybe the best thing to do is to understand your situation. What is it that is troubling you about your relationship or is causing you to ask for my help?"
Basically, keep on asking questions until they can figure out their own answer. "How do you think that I could help you best?" "I can see that this is a bit of a pickle, what have you already thought about before you came and talked to me?"
Then you don't have to give any opinion whatsoever, other than how you ask your questions.
As Cindy Cares points out, there are many ways to ask the same question. :)
And generally, people who ask open ended questions like your friend did are looking for validation or reassurance, not true analysis or criticism.
Someone wise just reminded me, "there's my business and there's none of my business." Her relationship falls into the latter category.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Eh people rarely ask things to know what 's on your mind. They want to be valitaded, reassured, complimented, ..anything but being told your true opinion if it's not a flattering one.
Take DearCupid , for instance. Long tales of woes about abusive, neglectful , cheating partners " And he did this... and she did that .." . and when we Aunts tell them " You are right , he/she is absolutely scum ", they get mad . At us, though :).
Said that, I think it all depends what exactly you told her and how. At least in theory , you can be frank without being offensive, open without being judgemental.
For instance, it seems from your posts that you have a problem ,at least in HER case, with cohabitation and age gap. But obviously it is different when you say : " What, you live together now, are you crazy ?! " or " Living together is a pretty big step, I guess you have thought long and hard before taking it ...? " It's different " I don't know what you see in that disgusting old perv, can he at lest still get it up ? " ... or " And how do you deal with the age difference, such a big age gap can be hard to handle, are you coping allright ? ".
Some times it's quite tricky being sincere AND tactful, but, if you don't want to alienate your friends, you have to try...
...............................
|
