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female
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30-35,
foolishlyinlove
writes:So heres the thing...Me and my best friend have fallen in love with each other. He has a girlfriend but they are in a long distant relationship for over two years now. We realized that we love each other like 6 months back, and ever since then we have both tried anything possible to get over each other and not ruin our friendship aswel. There were times when we would be like a couple . We even slept together a couple of times. and then there would be times that the guilt would cause us to be so much apart from each other that all we would do is fight all the time. I have tried maintaining a distance but all that does is hurts me even more. I cant stay away from each other. its like he is a part of me. So this is whats been going on for months now. He cant break up with her because there is too much baggage to handle. They have been dating for over 5 years now. All of their family members and friends are involved so him trying to break up with her over the phone would cause a lot of other complicacies. Even now we talk almost everyday, cuz he has been my best friend for a while now. but, lately he has been acting very weirdly with me. I know he cares for me, but he treats me as if I am just another person in his life. I feel like shit when he does that. The pain is unbearable. I dont know what to expect from him or how much to expect from him. My heart wants all his attention but my brain says that I cant expect everything cuz he is my friend after all. Even then when he just treats me like a friend I end up acting very weirdly with him. It makes me so mad.I am so confused and I cant figure out what to do.I am desperately looking for a solution now. I badly want to get over him, but I dont know how to do that keeping our friendship right. I dont even know if he is over me, or if he is just trying to make things right. I just want to get out of this mess and lead a normal life again.I need some advice which doesnt involve me falling for someone else, cuz I myself just got out of a long distant relationship, because I am in love with my best friend and I didnt want to be cheating on my ex.
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reader, BadAsh6705  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 I agree. This guy sounds like he is causing much more pain than happiness in your life. I think you would be better off to forget about him and move on. It seems like he is trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad for him, but there is no reason to feel bad for him because he could easily break up with his girlfriend and be with you if that's what he wanted, and the fact that he didn't respond when you told him how you felt says a lot.
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reader, openmind +, writes (1 December 2009):
So i read your post about him opening up and i believe it is bullshit he is stringing you along like a little puppet on a string he has absolutely no effin desire to leave his girlfriend all the things he told you about wanting other people to be happy are bull shit i dont care if he cried the entire time he was talking to you he is NO GOOD FOR YOU. I was super proud that you ignored him but girl you never shoulda stopped please for the sake of your sanity and emotional stability get away from that artist of deception!!!!
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reader, foolishlyinlove +, writes (19 November 2009):
foolishlyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the question[Moderator note: No problem. At least you took the time to make your post legible and easy to read. xx]So sorry about the really long post btw...I hope you take the time to read it :) Thanx
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reader, foolishlyinlove +, writes (19 November 2009):
foolishlyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokaySo i finally had the talk with him just yesterday and I am still confused.so this is whats been happening all these days. A week back I was talking to him on facebook and all of a sudden he leaves his girlfriend a wall post which was pretty intimate. It broke my heart instantly and i asked him how its going with her and told him that I could see that he moved on and he was doing pretty well. And then one thing led to the other and we broke into a huge fight. He said things like he is not in the right state of mind now. And that he finally should do whats right. He cant deal with the stress anymore...etc etc etc...So basically it tore my heart into pieces, but thank God I had a friend with me when that happenend so he calmed me down and told me that its a sign and i should finally move on. So that night i Couldnt sleep at all and I honestly freaked out seeing myself breakdown like that. and Hence, I went on facebook, blocked him from facebook, blocked him msn, removed all of his text msgs, deleted his phone number. So yeah basically decided to block him out of my life. The next day he texted me twice after he realized what I was doing, and i didnt text him back! It was very hard, but the hatred that grew for him helped me acheive it. So for a week i ignored all of his calls, his text messages, he tried to get to me through my friends, who knew about us...and I still managed to ignore him. Finally day before yesterday he sent me a really emotional message that he needs me as a friend in his life and that I knew him the most and stuff like that. I replied but i was rude and I told him, Im sorry but i finally realized I need to think about myself.And then yesterday we ran into each other!! It was so weird. I couldnt even look him in the eye, cuz I felt so mad at him. Didnt even talk to him properly. I just listened to him and a friend of mine talk. After that he finally texted me saying we need to talk please. please reply back. and he is the kind of guy who hates sharing. So i said okay ill talk once i got done with my assignment. So I went over to his place at like 2 in the morning, woke him up and I told him that I thought ignoring him and keeping him away was the best thing to do as I couldnt take his shit anymore. And then we had a long conversation.Now I am more confused than ever because He told me he did it cuz he wanted me to hate him. And he did it because this one night, I was crazy drunk and so was he and I had a breakdown in the end and I blabbered out how much I want to get over him because I hate being the third party and stuff. So he decided to pull a move that would make me hate him more than ever. and that he tried being rude to me, didnt work. Nothing worked. He said he feels guilty cuz he thinks he ruined my life and that I am unhappy because of him, and stuff like that. He also told me that he could sacrifice his life just to see everyone around him happy. And that is what he is trying to do, but failing very badly. I told him what I had to, for once and only. I told him that I love him and that I want only one thing but its not happening and thats what is breaking my heart. I told him I want him more than as a friend in my life. But he didnt respond to that.So in the end his conclusion was, He never stopped loving me, not a single bit, he never stopped caring about me, and that he cares about me so much that he was doing things so that I'd hate him, and that I mean too much to him and he cant lose me. But he also mentioned that he needs me to act like myself and be there as a friend for him. I dont know but him opening up like that for once..after a long time melted my heart and so I decided to stay and comfort him for the whole night. he hugged me and went to sleep but we didnt do anything. there were moments where I found his hands going in places but I stopped him. But in the morning we hugged each other for like i dont know how long and didnt let go of each other. :(What sucks is that I know we are so perfect for each other, I know that we would be so happy if we were together. But he thinks that if we were together, there would be many other people unhappy in the midst of it, like his girlfriend and my ex boyfriend. So he decided that He will do whats right, be unhappy, wait for me to move on by making me hate him and just be happy but seeing other peoples happiness??Does it make sense to you guys?
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reader, MammaDex  +, writes (18 November 2009):
I know its hard being the third party.. Its always full of confusion and hurt.. It seems to me he meant a great deal to you.. As for him, i would say he is confused, he doesnt know who to chose and what paths he has to pick... I've once been in a relationship for 6 years, and it exist a third party.. although i'm not the third party but i end up getting hurt.. its bcoz he is confused on whether to still be with me bcoz every1 and any1 we know, knows about us and since we've been tru' together for so long, he treasure the relationship.. Or to be with her whom he has started to love and care about.. At the end he choose to be with her( the third party).. But i don't blame him, when it comes to the heart matter,its just too complicated to really understand... I've learn something in this scenario: that it doesn't matter how long he have been with her or how cloze their relationship is, If he trully loves you, he will stand up 4 you, and be with you.. Coz he'll know that the longer he drag this triangle relationship, the more you get hurt.. Bcoz you are the third party and you can't openly tell every1 you loves him..-solution: Try talking things with him, clear the doubt about where does your relationship stands, who you are to him deep down his heart? There's a two path in this solutions.1st way - if you get a positive answer, tell him he can't keep on dragging this matter.. it's a big deal to you cause it's hurting you tremendously.. (if he really loves you, he cant bear to see you suffer physically, emotionally and mentally)..2nd way - if you get a negative answer, the i'll suggest you to tell him to give you a little space, a little time so that you can be able to get over him.. In the mean time you still share you other problem (which not related to relationship or feelings towards him) to him... Its about how strong you have a control over your will to be just best friends... You yourself have to build the barrier, that you are online best friends...Best of luck
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reader, Louise577 +, writes (6 November 2009):
My only question to you is, you say you are his best friend, right? Do you think he really sees you as his best friend?I married my best friend and we have been together 38 years. Being best friends was the greatest thing. We would not be together if we would not of been best friends.I had screwed around with a few girls and she with guy's but our friendship won. Good luck,Louise(Pierre)
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reader, openmind +, writes (28 October 2009):
It sounds to me like you just need a good ole fashion sit down conversation with the guy, after all he is your best friend so you should be able to tell him anything. The excuse he gives you for not being able to break up with his girl is complete bullocks. If he wants you and is truely in love then he would ditch the chick, if he doesnt do it over the phone then he needs to find away to tell her face to face. You had the decency not to cheat on your ex but this boy expects you to be his woman on the side which is completely unfair to you or any person for that matter. That is no way to treat a bestfriend or someone he claims to be in love with. Tell him you care about him deeply but you are number two to no one and if he really loves you then he will come around and if not then he is using you. You have to be strong girl you cant let him treat you like a side woman just because you love him. If he wont be with you than to get over someone you have such strong feelings for you have to stay away from him and drop contact its the only way to let your self heal for it is impossible to do if you see and or talk to him every single day you have to give yourself time and most importantly dont be down on your self you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and it is the boy in question who seems to be confused. Good luck!!
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reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (27 October 2009):
I think what you should do is next time you talk to him, tell him that it is too hard for you to be only friends with him, and you will not wait around forever. Tell him that you will not contact him for awhile (maybe a month or a couple of months) so that he can have time to make a decision about what he really wants. Being "scared" to break up with his girlfriend would not be an issue if he really wanted to be with you. Trust me, I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years because we weren't working out very well, and I realized that I am falling for one of my friends! Yes, it was hard, but I knew it's what had to be done and I dealt with it as should he. So for a couple of months DO NOT TALK TO HIM. I promise that you will start to feel better once you stop talking to him and thinking about this every day. If he really wants to be with you, he will hate it and try to contact you. Don't answer him right away, or maybe not at all sometimes. Let him see what he is missing!! After the specified period of time, ask him if he decided. If he says he will break up with her, tell him to call you back when he has done it. Otherwise, you should probably stop talking to him altogether, or you will continue to feel like this because he will never leave her, and you will stay too involved with him to get over it or ever meet anyone else.
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reader, foolishlyinlove +, writes (23 October 2009):
foolishlyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you riebie and henry for your answers :) but i cant have that talk with him, because I know his answers.he wont break up with his girlfriend because he is too scared, and even if he does I dont think he will come clean with his feelings. He is a very complicated person, he tries to keep everyone around him happy, while he just drowns in his misery. and yeah I have been insisting him to go meet up with his girlfriend for the past year now, and hopefully he will see her this december. She lives in the states, so its a problem. I wish I could tell him that the relationship he is in is worthless being his best friend, but now I cant even do that cuz its almost a biased advice. So yeah I am scared to come clean about what I want, I know he knows how much I want him cuz there has been times when I broke down in front of him because I wanted to get out of this mess so bad. and he knows I feel like im in a mess because I love him so much. But I just cant just tell him to decide between me and her. That puts him in an awkward situation too right?I was thinking about waiting till december until he meets up with her, but then if he does not break up with her, I will die!!......so I believe I need to get over him!!...but I dont know how!!......and how do i stop him from acting weird with me? even the last two days I slept over at his place...no we didnt sleep together again...I promised myself I wont do anything inappropriate with him anymore. But, all throughout the day when all of us friends hang out or even just the two of us, we hang out just normally. Nothing extraordinary. But at night, he holds me all night and sleeps. He cant take his hands off me.He is just so hard to get?Help!!!Should I just maintain my distance from him and let him make his mind up?
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reader, riebie  +, writes (20 October 2009):
you need to sit down with your friend and be totally honest with him, then at least you know how he feels to! although he can't break up with his girlfriend over the phone he can go and visit her if you are who he wants to be with, he needs to be honest with himself to. he clearly wants you to be more than a 'friend' if you've both slept with each other! if he won't break it off with his girlfriend but he wants you also, he can't have it both ways!
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