What can I do to open up more so I don't lose my boyfriend?

Tagged as: Dating

<< Previous question Next question >>

Question - (2 February 2013)

1 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2013)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So my situation is a bit of an odd one.

Basically, when I was younger, at the age of about 11, I developed a massive crush for a guy 4 years older than me. Obviously I was only young at the time, but it seemed so real to me. I would constantly think about him, constantly imagine being with him forever (a silly 11 year old hahaha) and would feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach just by thinking about him. However, he was a part of my church, and a family friend, so I saw him all the time. But, unlike any other normal 11 year old, I went out of my way to avoid him, skipping church so I wouldn't see him. Whenever I bumped into him my infatuation with him or with the idea of being with him would lead me to feel sick, with a high temperature and a fever, so I always avoided him. This went on for several years till I was about 13. Then, one day, I was invited to his house with his family and my family as part of a normal gathering. This happened all the time, but recently I had been feeling so sick and frozen around him (I NEVER SPOKE TO HIM WHEN HE SPOKE TO ME AND ACTED COLD BECAUSE I WAS SO NERVOUS) that I had asked my mum to make excuses for me not to go. But today, mum said I had to go and face him, because, quite frankly, my behaviour for an almost 14 year old was pathetic. On this day, however, something that I never ever suspected happened. My crush's dad, who I had known for years, suggested that I went out for a date with my crush for a curry. I should have been over the moon - I had been waiting for this chance for years. But for some reason, I thought it was a joke, and built up a wall. I believed that his dad had sussed out how I felt about his son, and was ridiculing me. I therefore shouted NO, I WILL NOT! at the top of my lungs. This is something I have regretted ever since, as straight away the boy came into the room, looking genuinely sad. I knew I had to seize the next chance to tell him how I felt back, if I had any! BUT LATER, I did the same thing again! The boy called me over to his piano, sang and played a song to me, You Raise Me Up, and then practically begged and asked me to please sing it back to me. Yet again, I was obsessed and basically in love with the boy, I should have grasped the chance. But I got defensive and thought it was a joke, so I made up that I had a cold and refused to sing it back. He looked on the verge of tears, he was still quite young himself. Since then, the boy has never spoken to me, and I regretted it.

My question is that now, years later, I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 5 months, and I really like him. However, I have a feeling that when it starts to get serious or I think I love him, or he tells me he loves me, I will do the same as I did with my crush a long time ago. I find it really hard to talk about how I feel, whenever he does it I always dismiss it as cringey and unneccessary, not because I think it is cringey or unncessary, but because I just feel uncomfortable. But I don't want to lose him, and I'm aware that what I did to my crush drove him away so he never wanted to speak to me again!