A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How does one get a guy who shows many signs of liking them more than just a friend or hookup to ask them out officially? We have known each other a few years. Initially we started as just a college hookup thing when drunk but I got tired of that and met another guy that actually wanted to date me. My hookup guy got mad and we stopped talking. New college year comes along, he tries to talk to me but I reject him. For several months he keeps trying while I keep rejecting him. Eventually we start talking and hooking up again, but this time he wants to spend more time with me hanging out and we are sharing a lot more about outselves, its seems more than just a sex thing. During school break I meet someone else who really likes me and wants to date me. I tell my hookup guy he's gonna lose out again if he doesn't make a move. He says stuff about how much he likes me but he can't commit to a gf cuz he has to focus on his career first. (He's really ambitious, already has a job in his field (cop), works a ton plus goes to school) Once again I stop seeing him to actually date someone else. That relationship ends and he's right back talking to me. I stopped hooking up with him, but we dance and hang out and stuff. One night I dance with another guy when a bunch of us are out. He gets really mad and tells my friend that I'm blowing it. I don't get him. He obviously likes me so why doesn't he just tell me he wants me to be his girlfriend. I mean do I have to spell it out for him or is it never going to happen because of whatever reason
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): As the original poster, I want to clarify that I am not waiting around for this guy or running back between boyfriends. HE is the one that is always trying to talk to me or hang out. He knows I'm not going to wait around for him if someone else is interested in me, I just don't understand why he keeps pursuing me if he doesn't want a girlfriend or why he gets mad when I talk to other guys or date them. We haven't hooked up since before I dated my last boyfriend which was about six months ago. He texts me almost every day just to talk. Also, when we aren't in school, we live over an hour away from each other.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 you ask: "... so why doesn't he just tell me he wants me to be his girlfriend?...."
Answer: Because guys don't want to be B/F;G/F if they don't have to!!!! WE want a woman to be available for sex... but we really eschew all the entanglements that come with being "B/F;G/F".....
YOU, I believe, are asking for validation to remain in this pseudo-B/F;G/F arrangement... because - in a way - it gives YOU a "comfort zone" that you like..... After all, he DOES give you a few crumbs of a "relationship"... and that's lots better than having to terminate this facade-of-a-relationship and having to go out and seek out a REAL guy who wants a REAL relationship......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, FreshPrincess +, writes (11 May 2013):
He doesn't want to tell you to be his girlfriend because he does't want you to be his girlfriend. It's a simple as that. You date other guys, and in between them, you go back to him. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, it would not take this long, and he wouldn't use work as an excuse. My boyfriend is a cop too.. And it took him a week of dating me to ask me to be his girlfriend. When a guy likes you,he DOESN'T wait that long to make it official and he DOESN'T use work as an excuse. Try wean off of him, and take one of the other guys who actually want to date you seriously before you miss out on THEM. Don't waste years on someone who does not see long term with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): I've done the casual hookup thing myself a time or two--sometimes I started it and sometimes I was the one being pursued. This is a dynamic I am familiar with, and sorry, but nothing you post here leads me to believe he wants anything more from you than the sex you've been reliably giving him. Of course he comes back to you when you break up with someone else-in his mind, you're sexually available once again, and more likely than ever to hook up with him as a way of getting over the relationship that failed.The line about not committing because of his career is, frankly, b^^^^it. I have a career in public safety (fire, not PD) as well and although it was indeed difficult and time-consuming getting into this field, I dated people throughout that time period. Sure, I wasn't the clingy GF staying at her man's place 24/7, but I *did* have time to go on actual dates and outings not involving a bed. Why? Because it was important to me and I made it a priority.Unless your guy expects to be moving out of state for schooling or something, the reality of time management is that you make time for the things that mean something to you. I bet this guy always has time for your hookups, right? I'm not trying to be harsh, just calling it like I see it. What he's essentially saying to you here, without actually saying it, is that you're worth his time as a quick and easy lay but not worth making an effort for in the long run. Up to you to decide if you're okay with that. Best of luck.
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