A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This question is just out of curiosity, and it has nothing to do with my situation (I'm married, faithful, etc.)There seem to be a lot of questions on this board by women who have feelings for their FWB. Typically, the questions are if their FWB will ever love them, if their FWB actually has feelings even though he says he doesn't, etc. I realize every situation and person is different, but do women tend to get into FWB relationships with someone for whom they have at least some romantic feelings, hoping it will turn into more? Or, do they get into FWB situations with people they don't have romantic feelings for, then develop feelings due to being sexually intimate with them?In other words, chickens and eggs seem to go together, but which normally comes first, the feelings chicken, or the sex egg? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 That's what they said about not letting women vote.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): The vast majority of our attitudes confer some kind of clearly understandable evolutionary advantage. We can try to teach against these feelings but it's not realistic to expect them to stop being dominant throughout society.
People will always be more attracted to partners with physically fit bodies than deformities for the same reason. You can't change it.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Thank you Miamene...
"Women offer sex in the belief that it is part of a loving relationship. Men will feign a relationship in hopes that it will result in their getting sex.....
.. and THAT's the truth...."
No that is not THE truth. It may be true for some men and women, but not always.
I hate this idea that women are slaves to their emotions. Ok, many men and women make mistakes in our love lives and fall for someone who does not feel the same. Sometimes that can end up, or result from embarking in a FWB relationship. But as Miamene says, women can enjoy a sexual relationship without becoming emotionally entangled and hoping for a wedding ring. I am not saying this NEVER happens, it does, but it does not always. I can clarify I have had both meaningless, but mutually enjoyable and desired sex, and I have had sex with someone I hoped for something more with. The difference is, I have realised the latter was a mistake. This choice was made due to being a young, naive woman, NOT simply being a women.
"I also do not remember seeing very many posts by women on this site asking about whether or not their penis was large enough to satisfy women? I hate to gender stereotype, but it seems to men that men tend to be more insecure about the size of their penises than women are?"
Well, that would be because men have penises and women do not? So the sexual act is dependent on Mr John Thomas for a man, but women have other things to worry about... breast size/vaginal tightness. But all of this is a matter of personal experience, prefference and ingrained/learned social/cultural ideas and beliefs.
Well that is my belief. Everyone is different. As for why more women than men post on this website about having feelings for their FWB, well, just because they are in the majority does not mean that men do not also do this or that all women do this.
I think maybe it is a lot to do with social conditioning. As a girl you are given dolls and told tales of beautiful princesses marrying handsome princes, and that this equals a "happy ever after". But as you get older and kiss a few toads who seemed at first to be princes, you kind of wake up to the fact that "happy ever after" does not depend on finding a handsome prince, but on finding happiness for yourself. Maybe that is why more women post about wishing their imagined prince would realise that they are in fact Cinderella, because women have been lied to by culture and society their whole lives.
But, women are waking up to reality and are claiming their own sexuality more and more, and this can only be a good thing. But, in the meantime, I'm sure many more women will sleep with a guy in the hope he will fall in love with them, and many guys will pull the moves on girls in the hope of getting sex. But women will also have sex just because they want it, just as much as men, just as men will fall for their female fuck buddies. But it is probably more likely women that do, because we have been programmed to find a man, and it takes a bit of experience to get over that programming and figure out what we really want out of life. Whereas it has long been long been acceptable for men to have sex without settling with that woman. This is another discussion entirely, but that is what it comes down to. We all know that an unmarried woman is a spinster vz a bacholor for men, and a women who enjoys her sexuality is a slag/whore/slut, whereas a man is a stud... these connotations are ingrained in our psyche... this affects our actions and attitudes towards relationships, particularly in the young. So the same patterns will keep repeating until these attitudes are changed...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): A lot of young women like to use their bodies to try to get men who would be out of their reach if they held out for a relationship. Then they get angry at men for using them when the plan doesn't work out like they wanted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 November 2011):
Yes you are right.. more women seem to have problems with FWB. I don't believe that this is due to biology, but the socialization of men and women, and the creation of gender roles. There's a big difference between saying many women fall in love in a FWB and saying that women will always fall in love with the man they are having sex with.
Look on DC again, plenty of women having threesomes, multiple partners, affairs and uncomplicated uncommitted sex, just the same way men do.
Same as the porn issue, many women on DC get upset about this, but on every post there are women who have no problems or watch porn themselves and enjoy it.
Re: Penis problems for men, the equivalent for women is anxiety about the size of their breasts.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): OP here. Thanks for the responses. Once again, I don't have a horse in this race. This is a public forum, of course, so we're all free to express our opinions, and that was certainly what I had asked for!Since this has gotten into the discussion of potential differences between the sexes, my question was more or less premised on the idea that more women than men who post questions on this cite asking about whether or not their FWB has feelings for them (and also stating that they have feelings for their FWB, are hoping it will become more, etc.)I didn't go back and count posts, so it's possible that I'm simply remembering the posts by women more? Is my premise that more women than men post these types of questions incorrect?I might be wrong, but I also do not remember seeing very many posts by women on this site asking about whether or not their penis was large enough to satisfy women? I hate to gender stereotype, but it seems to me that men tend to be more insecure about the size of their penises than women are?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 November 2011):
Women offer sex in the belief that it is part of a loving relationship. Men will feign a relationship in hopes that it will result in their getting sex.....
.. and THAT's the truth.. (Sageoldguy1465)
For some women, but not the women I know. The problem with such statements is that suggests that women in 2011 are still dreaming of marriage and babies as the ultimate goal in life and are too pure to experience non-committed sexual desire.
Men can sleep with hundreds of women without no love, but somehow women are only happy when they have sex with some man to make him happy. We've demanded our rights to orgasms and vibrators, but somehow the attention of a man turns us into slaves.
It denies the fact that women can have their own sexual desire and that is very dangerous.
Yes many women make mistakes of having sex whilst looking for love, but there has always been millions of women that get aroused, get horny and just want no commitment sex. It has always been this way, that's why we have such words as "slag, slut, and tramp"
It does a disservice to suggest that every-time a woman has sex she feels love, it continues to keep women trapped as children. Many women, yes, like to have sex with love, and that is why they have unsuccessful FWB. But this is some women not all. I don't know any woman, from 18-80years who would deny herself unemotional sex if she felt the need. But it's probably due to my background, which is different to many people.
The women I know, have sex because they have sexual desire. But relationships and love are kept for men who are decent, kind and responsible. This type of woman and this type of thinking is very, very common in the country in which I live. Daily the television and the media show examples of women who work, have lovers, have causal sex, because this is what they want. They pick good lovers and dump them if they don't think they will be good husbands and mates.
My FWB ended when I told him to get condoms and come home for a wild sex session. He hesitated and this was enough to tell me that things had changed and he had found a girlfriend. He showed me the condom, and I asked him about his girlfriend.. we laughed and went back to being friends. No drama, good sex, emotions of love based on friendship.
I'm lucky.. he and his girlfriend are both my good friends and she knows everything. She sometimes asks me advice, and allows him to visit me every week, where we are alone at my house. I'm prettier than her (fact) she is nicer than me (fact) It works because at the end of the day we know we both care about the happiness of the same man.
The idea that a woman falls in love with every man she has sex with was normal in 1950 but talk to the teenagers and women of my own age, and you find that we believe that we have same rights to sex as men have. WOMEN LOOK AT PORN NOW, WOMEN GET HORNY.
It's sad that man has gone to the moon, we have the internet, but the idea that men can screw around whilst women wait for a wedding ring still exists.
Women are prime ministers, women run pornography companies, women take lovers and have one night stands now, and don't have to hang around waiting for a man to love her.
Sorry for any offence, but this is my humble opinion.. It's the 21st century now and love is more than a man with a penis.
The idea that women need love to get an orgasm belongs in the dustbin alongside that a women's place is barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen or the idea that a women don't have orgasms but have sex to produce babies and make men happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Sageoldguy nailed it.
I had one FWB with an ex boyfriend once... with almost no time between breakup and FWB... it was pleasant and just kind of faded away.... I still have fond memories of him
my current BF (soon to be fiance) started out as a FWB/NSA arrangement with me (a married woman in an open marriage) and a single guy out of town (perfect for me saw him once or twice a month for overnights... watched movies, ate dinner had sex.... problem for us was we fell in love.... my marriage ended (not because of the "affair" but hastened by it) and poof here we are now living and loving together...
I'm often amazed at women who say FWB doesn't mean anything and then the man falls for her... it's usually the other way around....
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Sageoldguy1465 nailed it.
I think most women have some feeling for the guy, but may or may not be ready for a relationship.. or they know the guy isn't, so they "settle" for a FWB hoping for more.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 November 2011):
Women offer sex in the belief that it is part of a loving relationship. Men will feign a relationship in hopes that it will result in their getting sex.....
.. and THAT's the truth....
...............................
A
male
reader, eek +, writes (10 November 2011):
 personally i think feelings come first. i have had a fwb relationship in the past and it was never a problem. I did have some feelings to the woman but i would not want to sleep with someone i didnt have at least some feelings for. Me and her are still good friends though there is nothing sexual any more. Just shows it can work!
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 November 2011):
If a woman has romantic feelings for a man, she should date him in an exclusive relationship.
In our modern days, sometimes a woman (or man) doesn't want or doesn't have time to marry/commit to one person and that's when a Friend who is sexually available can be ideal.
The problem is, women sleep with men who they are in love with, or sleep with men who have no respect for them. A FWB relationship should be just that. A good friend, who you care about and respect, and may have sex with if your both single and nothing else is available.
I've had two FWB (short term) Both are still my best friends and we are so close, that I can sleep in the same bed and nothing sexual happens. But that's because FWB should be about friendship first. If you want to fall in love, then go get a boyfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Either way, it completely kills my attraction to a woman when I find out that she was ever in a FWB relationship.
Sex means a lot to me. Casual sex is a turnoff.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): I don't know about starting with romantic feelings...lustful maybe, I dont think you can have sex regularly with a man you don't fancy. Some may pick a man who they know they would never want more from - ie younger or married etc - to avoid complications
Some may see sex as the bait to hook the man and hope it will work, but its not often the FWB turns into 'her indoors'.
Its an individual thing, as you say chicken/sex egg - .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Based on what I read on this site, I'd say yes, in the majority of cases, women seem to enter FWB hoping for something more.
I have loads of female friends, only one of whom has ever had an FWB and that was because she liked the guy and hoped to develop something (it didn't).
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 November 2011):
lol sex egg...
well, I think there is no normal for this, either is possible, and the only way to determine which happens most often is to survey all the women who have had this happen.
From my personal experience, I had a FWB(unofficial, ie we never discussed it) and the feelings kind of developed before the sex, but it was him who persued my friendship at first. No situation like that is black and white. But from that I learnt to never allow myself to develop romantic feelings for a friend or have a FWB, simply because, they get messy! Either be platonic friends, or be a couple. There is no inbetween that can end happily, and everyone knows this, but people still try it out. And don't try to blame a particular gender for the hurt feelings or complication of the "ideal" harmless sex siuation. If you want no strings sex, that is what prostitution was invented for. Anything else IS a relationship. Emotions are involved. People are not machines and being intimate with another human creates emotions of some form. It doesn't really matter whether the feelings started before or after, except that if a woman, for eg, chose to be FWB because of the feelings and hoped for something more, that is just asking for trouble. But that is a lesson they have to learn alone... Or the other eg, that a woman starts a FWB for pure sexual gratification then develops feelings, then gets hurt, well that is a shame, but you cannot know how things will go for sure, but that is the risk you take with a FWB, and with any relationship. You cannot know that you will always be on the same page as any other person. That's life, and that's my 2 cents.
As for which occurs more... I doubt you can ever get a definitive answer for that, but good luck, interesting question.
...............................
|
