A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently went on a date with someone I've been talking to for a while. We got on well, could talk for hours about anything but I'm not sure I'm feeling anything more than friendship for him. Do I tell him that now or go on a couple more dates to see if feelings develop? He seems to be getting attached very fast, so part of me thinks I should say something sooner rather than later so he's not as hurt but at the same time we've only met in person once, so it seems a bit rash to say something now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): @WiseOwlE
I don't recall having unrealistic expectations. In fact he was exactly as I'd imagined he'd be. That's partly why there is no excitement.
I also had no plans to give him the let's be friends speech. I intended to tell him I hadn't felt anything more than that for him. Whether or not he wanted to remain friends would be his prerogative.
I have no idea what you meant about pity. If people could remain impartial, I'd appreciate it.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 August 2013):
Hi there. As you have only met in person once, that probably isn't enough time to really know how you feel.
Even though he seems to be developing feelings for you more quickly, it still would be a good idea to go out with him at least one more time, just to see how it goes.
You have already said that you get along really well, and can talk easily for hours on end, and that's a good start.
However, you do need to be on the same page as far as feelings are concerned - for it to work.
For instance, if you go out with him again, just see how he is talking to you and if he seems to be acting as if you are already his girlfriend now.
And it's possible this could happen.
And if this does happen, well then you will need to be completely honest with him about your feelings - at that point.
To avoid him getting hurt.
And then again, you might develop feelings for him also.
But you do need to give it one more chance.
Otherwise, you could be giving up way too soon.
And it might show potential for more than just friends.
You will never know unless you give it a go.
And supposing you still feel like he is just a friend, you will then need to tell him the truth.
And how you say it is something like this.
"(His Name), I really like you as a friend, but I can see you feel more than that for me, and so I don't feel it is fair for me to keep on seeing you when I don't feel the same way. You surely deserve more than that."
At least then you are telling him the truth, and letting him down softly.
And it is much better to be honest, than to pretend you feel something that you don't.
He will be disappointed of course, and he will also respect you for your honesty.
...............................
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 I've been in his situation many times. We all know that if you put yourself out there you risk getting hurt, so don't worry about it too much. Just don't lead him on. I think it's ok for you to go out a couple more times but if he starts to try to move things forward then say something. Maybe tell him you're not feeling a spark but you would like to spend more time with him to see if feelings develop. If he's ok with that then fine.
If you're SURE you don't have feelings for him then spare him the "I just want to be friends." bit. If he says he is ok with just being friends then fine.
Just don't lead him on. I was going out with someone recently who was quite happy to make out with me and let me take her out to lunch and the movies but had no intention of letting things go any further. If you care about him at all don't do that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I think you should give it at least one more date.
Don't expect sparks to fly before you really get to know someone.
You also have to be sure that you're not just disappointed; because he fell short of some unrealistic expectations, that you dreamed up after a you had a few lively chats and e-mails. People always look better on paper. What you see
is what you get.
It's perfectly normal to romanticize when initially introduced, and create a few things in our mind. We have a preconceived image of what they might be like in-person.
When the person doesn't live up to those expectations in reality; we have to be sure that we haven't dismissed them for only superficial reasons. They just didn't fit our fantasy figure, or impress us on the first date.
Give him another chance, and then let him know if it doesn't go quite as you had hoped.
Spare him the "let's just be friends" speech. That's a coward's way to save-face and bury the guilt.
He'll better be able to retract his feelings; and hold on to his dignity, if you're tactful and honest. He doesn't require your pity.
If you're just anxious to get on; just call him now and tell him it was just nice to have met. The end.
...............................
|
