A
female
age
30-35,
*ee_autiful
writes:There's this guy who is in my course at university. I see him about once a week, but it's hard to say whether he likes me or not.. we're not friends, but have done some group work together and sometimes talk before class... we've been doing a practical component of our course for the last few weeks, but it was his birthday and so I sent him a message over facebook.. I included "shall have to take you out for a belated birthday drink".. he responded positively, but I don't know whether he was just being polite etc.. I left it at "will let you decided on details seen as you're the birthday boy"... It was kind of implied in my initial message that drinks would be once we go back to university, so I have no expectations to hear from him until then.. I am waiting for when we go back, to assess the situation and see if he knew I was serious..I know I need to try let him know that I'm interested, but I'm quite shy and don't know if I will bring it up again, plus opportunities to talk are very limited.. In the meantime, we hadn't had any contact since my last message- which is fine, because he doesn't use facebook generally... but he had some information which I needed for an assignment, so I asked one of my friends, who sees him everyday, if they could ask him to send it to me... he messages me, asking what I was after and how he can help.. I'm waiting for him to send it back, but unsure whether I should bring up the drink thing again? I don't want to appear desperate but I want him to know that I was being serious.. advice on what to say? or what to do in general when we go back to university?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): OP, you are asking to have your cake and eat it too. You can't put it out there, without putting it out there. And...You already made a move in a way that is not "so direct," and you were comfortable with. This has already been done and he did not respond. If you want to try another indirect manner, try it, but if he doesn't respond yet again I have a feeling you will be left unsatisfied.The thing that I am trying to tell you is: if he was into you, he would have taken you up on your initial offer. This is the simple fact of how men work. I think your problem is you are unwilling to accept the reality that he doesn't want to date you. Again, this is nothing against you as plenty of desirable women have this happen to them. He's just not feeling you, and you don't want a man who doesn't want you and won't reciprocate.I only suggested you be very clear and upfront about liking him because you seem to not understand (and believe me I get it, I didn't quite comprehend the simplicity of men as a women in my 20's)or accept that he would have already asked you out if he was interested. Since it is so heavily on your mind still, the only satisfying approach is one where you swallow your ego and pride and tell him you like him and want to date him. If he says no, which you should anticipate(for all you know OP, he could be gay), lesson learn and book closed. Don't make the mistake of taking it personally, believe me, it happens to the best of us (yes, even Angelina Jolie had romantic rejections..believe it or not!). Because, as I said before, you have already done the indirect method and he has said nothing. The hard reality is, as I also said previously, is that he is not that into you OP. I say this because it will save you a lot of time in these kinds of situations to be more black and white and weed through the men who want you and those who don't. Don't you want to be with a guy that is dying to take you up on your offer because he REALLY likes you too? It can be, but you have to learn how/who/where to invest your efforts.If you cannot accept the fact that he is just not interested in dating you, which it seems you are having a great deal of trouble with, then you should just be that upfront about it. Think about it, let's say you casually asked him out again in a way that was round about, and he didn't respond (which he more than likely won't) you'll find some excuse for why he didn't and left thinking about it. But if you do it in a way that is extremely clear and direct (i.e. hey, I like you, wanna go on a date?) you can close this door finally. Hopefully, that will also help you with reading between the lines with men, because this is definitely one of those situations; I honestly think you have done your part and need to accept that he isn't interested and move on to someone who is. Unless, of course, you feel safer being in a situation where there is no possibility of an actual relationships, just a lot of fantasy in unrequited love. Then we are in a whole new playing field.Think about it yet another way too: If a guy you were into facebooked you and opened things up for b'day drinks, wouldn't you jump on that? Even if you never thought of him that way but were suddenly intrigued by the offer and saw him in a new light, wouldn't you respond back? OP, you have to look at it that way. If it was there for him, he would have acted already. Sorry, I say this to you with great love as a fellow women who know the single trenches well and has been there.I am the only person responding to your posts, why don't you try re-posting to see if there is any other piece of advice that could help. But I stand firm on all I have said from beginning to end.Good luck OP.Get the love you deserve.
A
female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (31 May 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he isn't the only guy- but I don't find guys that I'm interested in very often.
Would he think that I asked him out when I wrote "will have to take you out for a drink?" Was it obvious enough?
Baring in mind that I am shy, what can I say to ensure that he knows I was being serious? Something not so direct please- I know I won't be brave enough to be so forward with him...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): You are really thinking this thing way over. Hon, he ain't the only man on the planet.
Ask him out!!! It will save you a lot of mental stress.
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female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (28 May 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I can't really tell whether he likes me or not, at the moment, because I haven't seen him since before I sent the message... from me sending the message where I suggested that "I will have to take you for a belated birthday drink"- would he see that as me asking him out? Is that part clear to him or would there be a bit of confusion? i.e. could he think it was just a friendly/empty gesture? Could he be waiting until we go back to university to see whether I was being serious? Suggestions on how to act to let him know that I was?
Also. What do others think, if he likes me- would a shy guy respond to a girl and make a move? Or will I have to try get over my shyness and do more?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Sounds like you need to ask him out. Honestly sounds like you'd be kicking yourself in the behind if you didn't. Tell him you like him and want to go on a date. But, no matter how shy a guy is as a general rule, men are never too shy to respond to someone they like. It's not personal, but the fact seems that he is just not that into you (rent the movie, read the book). It's very black and white with boys, women are more woo-able, if you will.I've seen it many times with plenty of desirable and attractive women I know, so I know it has nothing to do with them. You probably just need that experience of further rejection to see then light.Not trying to be mean, really, just telling you how it most probably is. Good luck and keep me posted:)
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female
reader, bee_autiful +, writes (27 May 2013):
bee_autiful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat happens if he isn't the type of guy who will make a move? I know there's a possibility that he isn't interested in me, but he is also generally a reserved guy and keeps to himself, although he is friendly when approached... I know I'm shy, and scarred as hell because this is the most "out there" I've put myself.. But it ^^^^s me, as well, because we barely get any time to get to talk at university, so it's hard for me to figure out whether he likes me..but I don't want to leave university in a few weeks thinking that I didn't put more effort in...As I said, I don't want to appear desperate because I don't know how he feels about me, and also can't see myself doing anything too forward, but advice for what to do/say when I see him again? (or if he ever responds to my latest message)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): You've put it out there, good for you. Do no more, if he likes you, he'll reciprocate. You job is done.
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