A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone on this forum, i have used this forum once or twice in the past so here i am again, with a new problem for all those agony aunts out there.ive been with my fiance for 7 years now and well i am starting to find problems with, what i thought was a perfect relationship. i need advice from guys and gals on this one please.Recently i have been spending time alone and i have to admit i am starting to like it,its becoming very important to me as when i am with my fiance i feel smoothered and a little agitated, its always the smallest things that cause the problem.It would seem that in the last few months my fiance has developed a bit of a short fuse, he will criticise the smallest things like if we are talking and i say one word wrong he has to correct me, but its not just a correction, its always followed by a belittling comment such as, "as i cant belive you are actually that thick that you cant use the proper word" and then he has certains clothes i wear that he despises, he has made it clear to me that some clothes i have arent worth having and that i look fat in them. i cant fall asleep on my sofa without been criticsed of been bored of been around him, and not that long ago, he told me to my face when i was been loving to him, that i actually annoy him everyday.so what can i do, he has changed to loving and outgoing, to grouchy and short fused. what does this mean? its making me exhausted, mentally and phyically, i cant win and just now as it stands i have developed a health condition or two which doctor put down to stress, lack of appetite and a twitch in my eye. can any Guys and gals help out, i need a perspective from both points of view.thanks guys and gals of this wonderful forum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): People can't control feelings changing but they can control how they treat others as a result and he talks to you really rudely and disrespectfully, it's hurtful to call someone " thick" and fat as well- what a nasty, insensitive bloke- warning bells are going off due to the fact he thinks he has the right to treat you like this- it's way out of order really it is. Im sure that after all these years together, the thought of breaking it off is an extremely frightening prospect- but don't despair . I think it sounds like he has an emotional hold on you, I mean look at the trauma it's causing you- my instinct is strongly telling me you need to do more than address his behaviour, but get out of this unhealthy relationship because seven years is a long long time to manipulate someone , particularly someone who is a bit on the emotional side.He's probably been gradually chipping away at you, without you noticing- the relationship may have seemed perfect at first because I'm sure he was treating you like a queen, making you worship him and see him through rose tinted glasses, but really his behaviour is not acceptable and do t let yourself be blinded by what he's set as "normality"I'm sorry if you think this is cynical, but this is not a healthy set up- he seems to smother you and bring you Down, like his emotional punchbag. My advice is ditch him. Xxx
A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 men under stress usually put it on the people they love, maybe it is problems at work , maybe it is problems because he has no work , maybe it is problem because your work is better than his. finance to men is very important and no matter how much civilized and gentle men are they they always think by their instinct to be dominant over women, and from the way i see it he is jealous of you in something, maybe as simple as his parents liking you too much, find that thing that is bothering him and try to show him always how much you love him, men are like children , treats every now and then makes them angels.after a 7 years relation ship, if these traits are since a short time they will go at a shorter time, just keep cam and as much romantic as you can ever be.write romantic notes, send romantic texts, sleep in his arms, and when ever he corrects you,say that you made the mistake in purpose to test his how much he is concentrating on your talking, and because you are giving me all the attention you deserve a kiss and kiss him.hope i helped good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Here are some questions to ponder:How close are you getting to your wedding day? How are things going financially? Are either or you, or both, under pressure at the job? Do your living quarters give you ample space for privacy; and freedom to move about without bumping into each other? How's the weather where you are? Have you both gotten out of the house for some fresh air?All of these things may contribute to making people get on each others nerves. You mentioned that you like being alone. You both need to get out and stretch. You're picking fights out of shear boredom and being cramped. Your relationship has lost it's excitement; because everything is too routine. You have become content and complacent. You haven't don't anything exciting; so you're already acting like an old married couple. YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES!!!! You're both being very petty, and you're being over-sensitive.Don't over-dramatize about your health. Everything described also comes from lack of exercise and improper diet. He may irritate you, but he isn't the sole source of all your maladies. Are you accusing him of being abusive?If he is, better tell him that you can't allow it to continue. Iron out these issues before you are married, and can't just walk away. There are somethings that may put marriage on hold, if not dissolve the possibility entirely.Don't settle for things as they are now. Time to fix what you can before you tie the knot. If they can't be fixed, consider ending the engagement and moving on. It's better to breakup now, than to divorce later for the same exact reason.You should both have memberships at a local gym. You need exercise to work off stress and to get energized. Watch your diets. Too many carbohydrates and fatty foods give you a feeling of being morose and lazy. Thus, you look at each other and you're not the active and excited couple you once were. You start scrutinizing each others behavior and appearance. Once what was okay, now isn't.Get out and go dancing. Socialize together, and go out separately with your perspective friends. Take a stroll together and just hold hands. Don't even talk. Just let your souls blend and speak to each other telepathically. Your spirits need to expand and breath.You both need some time to re-energize. Maybe just a day-cation. A nice inn or hotel a few miles away. Sleep in late, make love, take bubble baths. Play like a couple of kids. Make fun of each other and role play. You be him and let him be you. Take it to the extremes. Dress up for the roles. That way it isn't an argument; but you'll defuse a lot of tension with humor. Then your quirks don't seem so irritating when you can laugh about them. Using humor, you show him what he looks like and sounds like. He in turn, shows you those little quirks that set him off. You will both look back in retrospect and introspect. Then the big light goes on inside your heads. Do I really come across to him/her like that? Oh my gosh!!!You're getting premarital jitters. They come on when you start to realize you are approaching that date when your relationship becomes permanent. You would be legally bonded and you will no longer be considered single individuals.You start having second thoughts, and you get irritable and feel suffocated. It's normal. Give each other some space. I don't mean planting miles between you, and pretending you're single. I mean, pull back and let him do some guy stuff. Hang out with his friends and don't bother asking where he is going; or when he'll be back. Tell him you'd like to have that freedom in return; so you can just get away and return refreshed. Purged of all your hostility and anxiety. You'll feel your independence and individuality has returned. Get individual makeovers. Get new haircuts. Buy something sexy to wear; just for him. Tell him to wear something sexy for you.Marriage is not a death-sentence, it's a life sentence.Don't look at it as an eternity together, it's a journey.When he corrects you. Smile and say, "oops I stand corrected."He'll be stunned. Your first inclination is to coil and strike back at him, or shrink and pout. Don't do either!Be the adult and take control of the situation. He behaved like a snotty brat. He didn't have to bite your head off for a slip of the tongue. That's soooooo petty!Just let him correct you. Then offer a moment of silence. Not a peep. This gives him time to replay the event in his head. You were polite. He was rude. Now he looks look a jerk. You turned it around on him. Who's stupid now?When he's sitting quietly and relaxing. Ask him if he needs anything. Give him a hug and kiss for no reason, and find yourself a cozy place to relax alone. Turn on some soft music and if he comes over, stretch out your arms and offer him a snuggle. You are releasing the tension between you. You are producing endorphins that set you both at ease. You are subtly taking control of a situation going out of control. You sought help, he didn't. So it's in your hands.Your relationship needs some fresh air. You need some space to stretch. You both need entertainment and recreation to break your routine and release stress. Go to a live concert. Music heals the soul. Go to a restaurant with live music. Have a quiet dinner.Take a trip to visit family who live far away. You need a different atmosphere. Clean the house together. Split the chores and get things organized. This is simple therapy.You came to your agony aunts because you are the innovative person in the couple. You look at things from a different perspective, and you seek answers and ways to solve your issues. I hope we can again be of great help to you.Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): OP, I've been in the same exact situation with my man who is now my ex. I cannot provide an answer for you as to what might be going on with him, but relationships especially those that have lasted a little while such as yours, I've noticed men start to be more critical and aware of every mistake we make and hop on the opportunity to correct us by belittling us. Maybe he is going through some financial issues that you are unaware of? Maybe he is seeing someone else on the side and is being mean to you so that you might just up and walk away. Maybe he has just really grown to dislike you but OP whatever the reason, I'm not saying that any of this is YOUR fault. Men change, women change. They lose respect over time for their partner for some reason. If you cannot talk to him and let him know how his behavior is affecting you and if you do not see a change in him, please by all means get up and leave. There are men in this world who would never speak to woman like that. They do exist! Life is too short to be unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Relationships that survive for seven years almost always have problems around the 7th-8th year. How you and your fiance handle these issues and whether you work through them in the coming months will determine whether your relationship lasts or not.
Are you two still intimate? Do you make one another feel loved and cared for? Are there problems like weight, money, education etc that may be negatively affecting your relationship?
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