A
female
age
41-50,
*awn1024
writes:I had an affair 2 years ago with my husbands best friend who is also married and got pregnant. I had the affair out of revenge for him cheating on me. Not that its an excuse I know it was still wrong. I know its his baby cause my husband had a vasectomy and thinks it failed and that how I got pregnant, he has no idea its not his. The baby is now 1 year old and the other guy knows its his baby and they are still best friends. We agreed that it was best not to tell either of our spouses but I still dont know if its best not to tell my husband. I do love my husband and know that it would kill him. We have other children together so it would effect thier lives also.
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affair, best friend, cheated on my husband, revenge Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): They look alike but there is a place where your lying will come out eventually..THE HOSPITAL
God forbid your child ever gets ill, things like history of illness in family and more importantly blood type will be needed and you better hope it's not discovered there.
No excuse for hiding the childs paternity, actions have consequences and unfortunately you will have to deal with yours.
Shame
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): It's wrong to keep this a secret. the truth will eventually come out :- child will look more like the friend than your husband- the friend might in the future decide he wants to be a father to this child and might break your secret- the friend's wife might suspect something (maybe because of the above) and start digging into the issueyour hb did wrong to you by cheating on you. So you cheated on him. That cancels it out right there. But then you brought a baby into this world from your affair, something you hb didn't do. So you are more wrong than your hb now. Then you are still lying that you even had an affair. You are misleading him that this baby is his. This is something even your hb never did to you. If he knew the truth he might not want this marriage to continue or to raise another man's child. So by denying him this information that you are actually a fraud, and manipulating him and deceiving him - ALL FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT because you don't want your cozy life to change now - you are way more in the wrong than your hb was. you don't get to use your hb's affair to justify anything anymore because what you did and are STILL doing goes way above and beyond what he did to you.your hb admitted his affair. Why haven't you admitted yours? do you know how many people you are stabbing in the back right now? your child, your hb, the friend's wife, and the friend's kids who won't know they have a half-sibling. Do you not care about anyone other than yourself??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): Lying about paternity is uncceptable. Period. If our legal system was fair to men then you would face prison time for fooling him on purpose.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Your husband, your child, your family, the biological father of your child, his wife, their family, all deserve to know the truth.
I think the deceit in your situation has gone on long enough.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 October 2012):
 So what has your child done that warrants you to deny his parentage? You've justified "revenge" for cheating on your husband and subsequently lying about him having a child.
So why are you punishing the child? You're denying his true parentage to him, and he is more innocent than all of you put together.
And, if you're so sure you're justified in your revenge, why don't you do what your husband's done and ADMIT to your own affair?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): "At first I thought this was God's way of punishing me but He gave me this child for a reason, I dont know what but God dont make mistakes so I just have to live with mine.
"And no my husband doesnt know I cheated but he admitted to his affair. And my husband and his friend look a lot alike so the baby looks like both"
And God not only gave you a love child from your extra-marital affair, He also gave you the gift of having the ability to rationalize and justify your disregarding your marital vows made before Him while you get off morally unaccountable as your husband simultaneously suffers to your satisfaction for his transgressions against you.
Don't compound your sins by tossing God's name around so casually, I suspect He is going to get very annoyed with you if you persist in doing so.
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A
female
reader, Dawn1024 +, writes (5 October 2012):
Dawn1024 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know how very wrong it all is and believe me this is not how I expected my life to go. At first I thought this was God's way of punishing me but He gave me this child for a reason, I dont know what but God dont make mistakes so I just have to live with mine. And no my husband doesnt know I cheated but he admitted to his affair. And my husband and his friend look a lot alike so the baby looks like both
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I think that for the sake of your husband, and for the sake of the other wife, it is actually better to say nothing about all this. It may all come out one day but best to say nothing unless you absolutely have to. I know it's very dishonest but this is a situation where the truth is going to change, and probrably devastate, the lives of all involved, forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): As the baby grow older your husband will start to see that the baby does not look like him at all.
Your husband will find out one day that is not his baby and I'm surprise he hasn't seen that the baby doesn't look like anybody on his family side. You mighy want to tell your husband over the phone because something like this you never know how a person will react and plus that's his best friend too.
Once your husband find out he just might tell his best friend's wife, a lot of people will get hurt behind this.
Even tho he cheated he will still take it pretty hard.
All dirt comes out in the was.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Hi
Its clearly on your mind and your feeling the guilt.I feel for your husband as he has been duped by both you and his best friend.
If you don't tell him it will come out eventually,in an argument,via blood tests, whatever, then how do you explain to him and your children. You have to tell him and take the consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): Well, you are not the only woman to keep such a thing to yourself. It's been done throughout human existence and always will. Can the child pass as his at all or does the baby have features which resemble the bestfriend? I suspect if its a female child it'll be easier to keep this to yourself. Honestly, I can empathize where you are coming from. You were upset, hurt and the revenge cheating made you feel better and more in control of the situation. Its not the babies fault, you were brave to keep the pregnancy. If it means that no one will find out (the child resembles you) and your family will remain in tact (which is best for all the children involved) then keep this a forever to yourself. Expect that perhaps oneday it may come out (the child does not look like him) or the bestfriend breaks down and says something. Plan for that day. It may or may not happen. I hope you feel sorry about your part in all of this. The bestfriends poor wife is the only innocent person in all of this.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 October 2012):
The truth will come out eventually but for the sake of your children you might as well keep it to yourself for as long as possible. I saw a statistic that up to 20% of children don't have the father they think they have, so you are not alone in this situation. There is no good way out of your situation, unless your husband gets his vacsectomy reversed and gives his friends wife a baby and you all live together in a commune!
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A
male
reader, Taurean  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 IM not gona say yes tell your husband now, neither will I say continue to hide it from him. Never under estimate the power of time. You may not be in a better position to tell this to him now but maybe tomorow will be a different story? Weigh things first. No one knows your circumstances but you. No one knows your heart either but you as well. Take time to think. And if you are a firm believer then pray for enlightenment. Otherwise just wait & follow your heart. Besides, the biggest enemy that we can face sometimes is ourselves & conscience. Therefore I suggest THINK, PREPARE & ACCEPT whatever you decide to do as long as you are 100% certain that that is what you want to do!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): Neither you, your husband, his best friend, or his wife is going to suffer its the baby that is going to suffer the most. That baby deserves to know the truth. Its so sad that adults are behaving that way and innocent people are suffering. You should have left if his cheating bothered you so much and believe me your lies will come.to light. I feel.so.sorry for.the wife and.especially for your child. Grow up, tell the truth and be a.good parent to your child. That's all you can do at this point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): wow this is probably the most messed up 'I had an affair' story I've ever seen on here. you realize you're living a terrible lie, dont' you? you should tell both your spouses immediately. If it results in one or both marriages ending and years of drama, well that's what has to happen. your spouses will eventually figure it out. Do you think they're stupid?? What do you think will happen when your kid grows up and bears no physical resemblance to your hb but to his friend? Don't you think both your husband and the guy's wife will put two and two together? what about when everyone else says "hey your kid looks just like so-and-so, isn't that strange!"....don't you think that will give them a clue??? they will find out eventually. And the longer it takes for the truth to come out on its own, the worse the fall out will be and the greater the damage done to everyone and to compound it will be the fact that you tried to keep it a secret. If your kid finds out this way, later on when older, it will rip him/her apart on the inside. And when your child grows up he/she might very well suspect and launch his/her own investigation or request DNA testing and then what? yes if you tell the truth it will probably destroy the lifestyle you have right now. but you had the opportunity to prevent that and didn't so there's not much else that can be done now.it's best to come clean with this sort of thing immediately and then let the cards fall where they will. rather than have it unravel on its own at some unknown point in the future when you least expect it and have no control over it. you'll be living in constant fear never knowing if today will be the day that your secret has gotten out. that's no way for you to live either.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 You should have thought about your children and family first before cheating on your husband. Two wrongs never make a right OP. And as of now, you are making is even worse by keeping your husband in the dark about the baby. Do you realize how horribly wrong that is? He is best friends with the man who fathered the kid that your husband thinks is his own! What will happen when he does find out? Either way you've ruined it all so just come out in the open and accept responsibility.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 October 2012):
Well, it's morally repugnant to lie to a guy about his parentage to a kid. If the child isn't his, then you should tell him so. If he finds out later in life, you could get sued for support for as many years that he took care of someone else's kid.
Does your husband know you cheated? Does he know that you know he cheated, or did you just suspect and then run off yourself?
Either way, good grief. Two wrongs do not make a right. You are not morally justified to lie about a baby made from revenge cheating. I'm guessing he doesn't know you and his best friend betrayed him?
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