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Dear Cupid > Forums > Couples > An interesting thought

An interesting thought

Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Good evening, Dear Cupid community.

It's 10:17pm and this is around the time of day I always have reoccurring thoughts. Thoughts that I wish I could not think about anymore. These thoughts if you have not guessed are feelings of being single. I've been constantly told: "Do something that does not make you think these thoughts" or "You're 19, you have time, don't worry about it". However, I find it ironic that these are the friends who are either A) taken or B) recently broke up and already is in another semi-relationship with another person. Which I'm against the latter, fundamentally. I sometimes wonder that am I too mature? I don't mean to sound conceited at all. But, I do not partake in the weekly antics of binge drinking, casual sex, and disregard for academic endeavors. I'm but the opposite. I don't mind the drinking, as long as it's not the only thing on the person's mind, or they get wasted every second day. Perhaps this is the trend in this generation. I've only had one relationship when I was in my senior year of high school. However, that obviously went sour, or I would not be here right now. I figured okay, I never really wanted a relationship in high school due to the fact that they never last (except maybe 1%), and a ulterior motive is usually in play (either social status, money, grades, what ever). But, I broke this "golden rule" and it ended. I am about half way done my second year in post-secondary studies. I figured, well, that's high school, people will be more mature as these are the people who want to be there, who want to learn, and who want to better themselves. I was horribly mistaken. Day after day I continually hear "Yeah man, I banged that chick last night" or "Oh yeah man, I got so wasted last night, whooo!!!".

I sometimes wonder, what is wrong with this? I always see my friends, acquaintances go back to their "ex's" (I abhor that term a lot), or date someone for 2 or 3 years, and either break up, and 2 months later date another person or and I love this one the most "not feel it" for about a 5 or 6 months and finally "get the courage" to break things off. Am I the only one who thinks that if you say "I love you" you actually mean it? That if I break up with someone, I should be in such a horrible state that I would not even consider dating another person? I could perhaps psychoanalyze these types of situations and make conclusions like: "S/he needs someone there to fill the gap". I feel like I am the only one who views this concept of "love" as something above the usual date-to-fuck or "it was a good idea to do this, this or this at the time". I guess I view love like the magnitude of being married. You know each other for a period of time, you eventually date and pronounce your love to one another and you are with that person no matter what (to a certain degree of course). Kind of like when your married in which case you are together for years, then get married and tend not to break up. However, it seems that I am wrong, as people seem to get married after 6 months, then break up 2 months later.

I continually hear or see people who are abused (physically or emotionally) in relationships and don't leave. My friends, acquaintances say "Your, cute, smart, good future, funny, I would date you if I wasn't taken etc". I seem to be all of these "nice/great" things that people want. 9/10 times they are either saying it to be nice, or saying it to make me leave them alone with "my problems" be what it may, that's beside the point. If I am these amazing qualities that people want, why am I single? Why is that I wake up every morning alone, cooking for myself, or wake up a virgin? When I say "wake up a virgin" I don't mean it to be "I will date somebody in order to get sex". I will date somebody even if it means not having sex until they get married, or what ever amount of time it may be. That is to say, I want to have a family and in order to have kids, something has to happen...

All of this makes me wonder, am I cursed to think like this? It's who I am. Yes I could change my attitude, but it seems that if I don't go to bars every second day, don't drink, etc, I am doomed to be single. Granted yes I am 19. But, I've never been asked out before, I do all the asking and it all ends the same: Nice juicy rejection baby. It seems like the minority of people who think similar to me and want a relationship are being left out. Being marginalized. If I am these great "catches" why am I single? Why do I have to have these questions go through my mind every bloody day, when I try not to. Whenever I see couples, I'm happy for them, because even on a superficial layer, they found "love". Even if it's not my view of what "love" is, (and it seems that I am the only one who thinks how I think) I am happy. But I can't help but to feel this "pain" if you will. I always wonder, "why do I have to single".

Essentially, I would like to hear your input. Even if you don't agree with me, I would like to hear your feedback and have a discussion.

-Regards,

AlwaysWondering.

Posted on 5 December 2010 @ 3:54 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hi AlwaysWondering,

Wow, you remind me so much of me when I was your age (eisssh that makes me sound so old). I was too mature to date guys my own age but not experienced enough to date older guys. I kept wondering what on earth was wrong with me...then I had my first serious relationship at 21, with a guy who was 26...sadly it didn't last.

It's hard when you don't drink, view sex with a casual attitude and party, as it seems to be the majority's form of entertainment. Ironically, I just had this conversation with my brother last night, while he was complaining about his single-dom and how there are too many girls out there that drink for lack of anything better to do.

Unfortunately, some people do throw "I love yous" around as if they were asking for the time. I play for keeps and have never viewed love with a casual attitude, it's something very special...it's the gift of giving yourself. I spent the better part of my twenties single. But I was determined and stuck to my views. Then three years ago I met a man with the same insights and ideals. He is intelligent and responsible, he doesn't drink or have any unhealthy habits; we share a very compatible lifestyle. And last month that man became my husband. :)

So my advice to you, would be to stay true to yourself and you'll find your special someone - it took me till the age of 25 but I can tell you it was soooo worth the wait!

- Carri

Posted on 5 December 2010 @ 5:53 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Oh for sure. I just feel like this minority I'm in, we have to "suffer" from lack of meaningful relationships. Rather, we are unable to have a relationship due to our views. And when I say that, there seems to be lack of people that share our views and it sucks. May be I will meet somebody in graduate school, as my job is private practice and I mean that I will be by myself for the job. So it may be difficult to meet people through means of work. Hmm, idk. I guess we'll see.

Posted on 6 December 2010 @ 2:30 (London time) - permalink
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dirtball, posted over a year ago

Here's a story for you. It's my college experience in a nut shell.

My Freshman year was a lot of fun for me. I had "senioritis" bad in High School and it carried over to college unfortunately. I had been a high honor roll student all through school so I was expecting a similar performance in college. Oh how wrong I was. I slipped into the party lifestyle. I've never been a womanizer, and I didn't have my first college girlfriend until my junior year. I just partied. 5 days a week. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Then Sundays during football season. I'm a master at tapping a keg and cramming 100 people into a tiny basement.

All that partying left little time for studies. I suffered horrific grades as one would expect. After not cleaning up my act second semester, I found myself on academic suspension for my 1.3 GPA. Awesome, I went from a 3.8 in HS to a 1.3. Ok, what do I do now? Well, school was out so I went and got a job driving forklift for the next 6 months. During that time I evaluated if this was something I seriously wanted to do as a career. Did I really want to go back to school? Can I have any hope of bringing that GPA back up?

I decided to give it another shot. I came in with a much better mindset and found the delicate balance between academia and fun. I worked really hard and slowly brought my GPA back up. At graduation, I had over a 3.0 which was quite the accomplishment given the starting point I had set.

What changed? My attitude and maturity. I learned that this was something I would have to work for if I wanted it. I decided it was and put in the effort. I also learned that having the release of a party now and then is good too. There is so much stress in school. Without a release, you are very likely to burn out. I've seen students like yourself burn out just like the party animals. It's because they don't know how to let loose and relax when it's necessary. The stress gets to them and they crack under their self imposed pressure.

Since finishing college, I've become moderately successful in a job I never saw myself going into. You never know where life will take you. The lessons learned in school are broader than those of just class though. That's why I recommend that even if you're not into parties, you go to a few. It's part of the college experience. It's also good to learn how to work a room and navigate large groups of people in a social setting. If possible, host one. The social education this offers is more important than people realize.

A couple key points.

- Real, lasting, meaningful relationships rarely happen in college. It's a time of exploration, maturing, and discovery of the self. Because of this, people change. Regularly. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right one instead of having lots of meaningless sex.

- Parties are an important part of your academia. Not only do they teach you social skills that you'll need later in life, but they give you a release from the stresses of your classes. You can party responsibly when you learn how. Excess on either end is bad. FWIW, I use my party knowledge at every Chamber of Commerce event, work holiday party, fund raiser, and any other work related social event that I attend.

- The only people who care about your GPA after college are graduate schools. They don't even care that much if you've gotten work experience before applying.

Like I said, these are my experiences. I was part of that party crowd. I matured, just as many of them will in a year or two. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the path you've chosen, even if you feel like an outsider now. Feeling like an outsider will change as you get into your higher level courses anyway.

Posted on 6 December 2010 @ 17:26 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Thanks for your response. I'm glad to hear you were able to pull up your grades and are now successful at the Federal level.

However, I have a few concerns with a few points.

I agree. People should be socialize and is a part of the university experience. But I don't think by getting drunk once a week will improve my skills. I have hang outs at my house every so often, without alcohol. Things are fine. I figured at university, people would be more mature. I am apparently wrong. It seems like I and the people who have similar thought processes have to "suffer" in not having a relationship, even if we want one. It sucks. Some graduate schools want work or lab experience. I guess it depends on the program you plan to enter.

Posted on 7 December 2010 @ 4:19 (London time) - permalink
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dirtball, posted over a year ago

I never said that you had to get drunk. My point is that you should expand your horizons. Instead of having that hang out at your place, try going somewhere that you're not in control. It doesn't matter if there is drinking, or people are acting like idiots. You don't even need to have a good time, but if you can manage to loosen up, you might surprise yourself that you could have fun with some of that stuff. Why bash something you haven't experienced? I mean, really experienced.

Suffering in not having a relationship comes with the elitist attitude that's carried by you right now. It's unattractive to even like minded individuals. It's a self imposed suffering. So then it is your choice to "suffer." Right?

College is often a place where people get less mature before they actually grow up. It's all part of the process. In five years you'll hardly be able to tell some of the people who've let completely loose this year. Some of them may even beat you academically.

South Park said it best. "There's a time and place for everything, it's called college." Why not experience something outside of your norm?

Posted on 7 December 2010 @ 5:14 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

I don't believe that I can get "away" with things because I am this age, or I am in this group. I disagree with this. I guess this defines me as a "straight-edge. I've seen people around me who are less mature, and mature as they age or climb through university. I don't care if people get higher grades than me. I do the best I can.

I don't understand this: "Suffering in not having a relationship comes with the elitist attitude that's carried by you right now. It's unattractive to even like minded individuals. It's a self imposed suffering. So then it is your choice to "suffer." Right?"

Posted on 8 December 2010 @ 3:44 (London time) - permalink
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dirtball, posted over a year ago

To quote Woody Allen, "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

You carry yourself here as if you're better than other people who are "less mature" than you, when if you were really mature you wouldn't judge people based on their choices. You would accept them as different and be done with it. Instead you segregate yourself from people you feel are beneath you. That makes you a snob. Nobody likes snobs, not even other snobs.

Posted on 8 December 2010 @ 14:47 (London time) - permalink
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DenimandLace44, posted over a year ago

You can hang out and have fun with others even without doing everything they do. It is still good to socialize with them and loosen up!

I don't smoke but I have friends who do... I have stood out with them lots of time and laughed and had a good time while they smoked. I went to a party Friday night where everyone was drinking. Other than a few sips I didn't drink. I was sober but had a very good time!

It is as DB says, you are coming across as a snob. You have confused rigid with maturity. When someone is truly mature they don't have to say it. They are comfortable in their own skin... Comfortable enough to go out, and enjoy themselves, even while being true to your own convictions.

Being alone is not the answer to your dilemma. Go out and enjoy life!

Posted on 8 December 2010 @ 16:33 (London time) - permalink
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sarahlynn, posted over a year ago

I am only 23 but I have had an experience of a lifetime. You sound like me when I was 14, always thinking, always wondering, thinking that I was so this and so that. Innocence is a wonderful joy and thank God for that. I have kept all of my journals from when I was young and when I just read what you wrote it made me feel like I am sitting there, reading a page out of one. I do not partake in those things you mentioned as I have no interest in bs either:) There are more than those particular ways to meet men. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to ask a married or friend going stead, or even a guy friend that is not your type if maybe he/she has a friend that is quiet and doesn't get out much. I was supposed to be hooked up on a date with a guy my friends called "wierd" but the reason is because he doesn't go out much either! haha, go figure. You seem like a sensible person with a good future but unfortunately they are right: the ones that say you have a long time ahead of you. I am only a few years ahead of you but that is how I know they are right. Don't waste it on anybody but yourself. If you don't spend money going out drinking or smoking wierd stuff, go travel or start some new dance class. Chances are, if you are relatively sociable and have a beautiful personality you will find a nice person.

Posted on 9 December 2010 @ 0:39 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Ok. If I thought the people who drink constantly, smoke, what else? prty? where beneath me, then why would I associate with people like this? Of course at times it gets to the point of annoying because some of the conversations shift to drinks/dunk stories. I also know people, like me, don't partake in these activities. The difference is that I CHOOSE not to partake in their actions. Because I do not, I get looked at as an "outsider". Should I conform and be like them? I disagree. I should not. Would I be happier if I did? I would not. I don't think that getting wasted every second day, neglecting studies, parting constantly is right. You at an institution to learn, and yes socialize. But there has to be a compromise. Yes, I probably have to get out more. But it's rather difficult with the course load I have, and the job I will most likely have in about a month or so. I don't find enjoyment in drinking or parting.

Also. I have an interesting change. Why don't people become like me or associate with me and do what I do? Instead of me becoming like them, DB. Why? They choose not to.

Posted on 9 December 2010 @ 3:48 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Okay, I can't help it. I have to post here.

You're single and alone because you only see the negative in people.

You've presented a world in which you are the ONLY person who does not drink, smoke, party constantly. Apparently, you've selected a school where you will get a 4.0 and everyone else will wind up somewhere around a .9, 1.2 if they are lucky. That's amazing. Not one person in that entire school is sober when they show up for class, the way you've presented it. Wow.

You find what you look for. I know you say you're looking for someone like yourself, but you won't recognize them, because you are so busy looking for the flaws. Whining is a extraordinarily off-putting social characteristic. Looking down your nose does not endear you to people. They KNOW you don't like them. They will respond by not liking you back. Pretty basic stuff that most people learn on the playground.

Go hang out with different people; they are not all alike at your school. If they are, then you've made a very poor education selection for yourself and should contemplate a transfer to a school that actively discourages the party atmosphere you abhor.

Posted on 9 December 2010 @ 4:33 (London time) - permalink
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dirtball, posted over a year ago

"Also. I have an interesting change. Why don't people become like me or associate with me and do what I do? Instead of me becoming like them, DB. Why? They choose not to."

Who ever said you should change who you are? I certainly never did. Expanding your horizons isn't some metaphor for drug use or drinking, it literally means getting out there and trying different things. You need to experience different aspects of life and how people live it. It's a time for discovery. I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to, unless I guess you're telling us you would prefer to be a complete shut in and locked in your own mind.

You asked why you are alone. It is like Tisha said. People sense your dislike for them. That means you need to try something different. Not a different approach with those people (since I sense your complete reluctance to change who you are). Completely new people to interact with. Perhaps people with a similar hobby, or academic interest. If they don't work out, at least you've learned something about them and yourself. Move on to something different until you settle in.

You have a chance to discover who you are. The funny part is you don't quite understand this completely yet. You may think you can intellectualize it, but it's a feeling not a concept. You'll know it when it happens. I hope you look back at that time. :)

We only get one go at life. I choose to spend my life enjoying it instead of seeing the flaws in everything. Being analytical is good, but there comes a point when you have to let go and live.

Good luck discovering yourself.

Posted on 9 December 2010 @ 5:2 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Hmmm. Interesting insights. Excellent indeed.

Posted on 4 January 2011 @ 4:40 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

Perhaps I rationalize. Rather I rationalize too much about these things. I think I do look for the negative in people. I guess I subconsciously then determine if I can "live" with the negatives. Which I think everybody ends up doing. Of course there is always something that you dislike in a partner. But you just live with it. If you agreed with 100%, then you would be dating yourself right? However, I think how I go about it, is consciously. Which is the wrong approach. I think it should remain unconscious. I don't think you guys will understand what I mean lol. But if you do, how do you suggest I avoid this? I don't think I can to be honest. Maybe with age, this bloody rationalizing curse will be gone. I somewhat doubt this however.

Posted on 4 January 2011 @ 4:53 (London time) - permalink
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dirtball, posted over a year ago

I think I understand what you're getting at. You consciously evaluate a person rather than just going with a gut feeling about them. It's something you'll have to practice if you want to change. Ways to stop intellectualization about an individual will be to focus on something else instead. Perhaps an activity, or a discussion, or basically anything that keeps your focus occupied.

Rationalization can be good, and it can help you in life. In a social setting it is often the opposite of what you should be doing though. There is an emotional intelligence that you need to learn to understand and utilize in your social settings. Perhaps it would help you to do some reading on body language and how to interpret it in a social setting. It will help you understand what people's subconscious reactions to you are, and help you adjust your subconscious indicators about what you're feeling about someone.

Posted on 14 January 2011 @ 16:56 (London time) - permalink
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Alwayswondering, posted over a year ago

I can read people pretty good, to be honest. Or find out their intentions. I don't know. It's scary sometimes. I think the problem lies is I look to far ahead. I guess kind of like, will this person make a good wife/mate for offspring. Which, at the age of 19,20,21, is kind of early to be thinking about that. I guess I intellectualize the negatives in a person and determine if I can live with these negatives, to say it blunt. I'm sure everyone does it, but I somewhat suspect I do worse or more than necessary.

Posted on 19 January 2011 @ 23:46 (London time) - permalink
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Dorothy Dix, posted over a year ago

Hi, Always Wondering. I realize that a common social activity for young people to engage in these days is often, drinking and casual sex.

Unfortunately, it more often than not, doesn't take them anywhere - well except for a hangover the next morning, but that's a negative consequence. If they were drunk enough, they probably wouldn't even remember last night at all! What with date rape drugs, who knows what type of consequences that situation would have. Potentially very dangerous indeed.

And even if they did get talking and flirting etc. with some guys, there's every chance that those guys would have none or very little respect for them anyway. And if on top of drunkenness, they had casual sex with one of those guys, it would not lead to anything more than a FWB - Friends With Benefits - kind of association, if anything at all!

So keeping that in mind, what is the point? It's a waste of time, completely. It's also expensive.

You are at a stage of your life now, where you are still getting to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, and won't know yourself well for another 10-15 years, your 30's approximately.

There really is no rush to get into a relationship too soon, just for the sake of having someone - and that's wise. I know that you are not doing that, so you are mature in the ways of the world, much sooner that most people.

Consider that to be a very special gift, because it is one. You probably see things in situations in life that other people can't. By that, I mean you have an understanding of why people do the things they do and why things happen the way they do.

Bear in mind, that in life, everything happens for a reason. Everything. They are all situations to help us learn. Life Lessons - it seems that you are experiencing that now. It gives you a head start.

If you are wanting to meet some decent, nice young men, it would be much more valuable for you to start some interesting hobbies, where you will meet like minded people and will have things in common with.

Another good way to meet lots of people, is to get involved in volunteer work - helping people in need - it's not only very rewarding, but you are working with other very generous, kind, caring people. People you really do want to get to know.

But don't begin volunteer work, just for the soul purpose of hoping to meet someone nice - because that would be doing it for the wrong reasons, and your heart wouldn't be in it.

If you do volunteer work, your heart has to be in it completely as your number one priority. Then you will make a difference.

You just never know where it might take you.

Also, making your life interesting - go and see art exhibitions, museums, anything at all.

You can meet nice young men absolutely anywhere - bus stops, train stations, waiting in a bank queue, post office queue, supermarket aisles, supermarket checkouts - anywhere at all.

The opportunities are VAST !!

You have to think outside of the square you live in.

Think B-I-G !!

You are thinking too small, way too small.

Posted on 10 May 2011 @ 1:2 (London time) - permalink
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