 eddie, posted
over a year ago
I think this is a common problem. The trouble, in my opinion, is that the drive difference is not as noticeable in the beginning. The relationship is knew, exciting and sexually charged.
As time goes on, the routine sets in as well as life's other challenges. We ignore those while in the infatuation period of a knew relationship. At that point, the person with the lower sex drives begins to lose some of the interest more easily. They're already wired that way and were actually performing at a false high level based on a being in a new relationship.
I think that is the mechanics of it. The problem is this, the person with the higher drive is left wondering what happened and feeling rejected. The person with the lower drive still gets their needs fulfilled because the higher sexed partner is always ready to perform. They have to be because they realize they have to take it whenever they get a chance or it might be another 5,6 days or longer.
This is when the higher sexed person feels rejected and when resentment starts. The resentment grows because the person with the low sex drives calls all the shots. They have all the power and that never works. It starts to feel as if the person with the low drive gives out sex as if it were a reward. It's almost like your grandmother giving you a cookie for being a good boy. The lower sex person calls all the shots and the higher sexed person waits like a salivating Pavlov dog. The person with the high drive feels helpless.
The people with the high drive want their partner to desire them for their sexual traits. They want to be desired. When we feel undesired or rejected it builds resentment. Of course this is when we're vulnerable to affairs. Someone else starts to notice us and that makes us feel validated.
I always say it's easier for the low drive person to become a person with a higher drive. They need to realize that it's only sex. Once you get started, it feels good. You get an orgasm !! It's flattering too. This other person desires you. They want you ! It might take some work but it's all in the head. The person with the lower drive has to find a way to see it as fun and not a chore. I understand that they might not be wired that way but it's easier for them to make the change.
I say it's easier for them to make the change because we've already established that they enjoy sex. The issue is that it doesn't cross their minds as often, and when it does, there is no sense of urgency. Even if it did cross their minds, they could dismiss or postpone the idea and not feel any remorse. Imagine that sex is chocolate. You really enjoy chocolate every Tuesday night. Someone offer it to you on Friday and Sunday as well. You'd probably still like it.
In the end, we all want to be with someone who desires that part of us. The person with the low drive never feels rejected because they call the shots as far as sex goes.
Posted on 26 July 2007 @ 13:30 (London time) - permalink
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