A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my partner for 6 years but he just announced that he wants to move out because he needs his own space.I was very upset as I took this to mean our relationship was over, but he said he wanted to live somewhere else, but spend most nights with me.I have 3 children from a previous marriage and he is 16 years younger than me, so I can understand that he might find it a bit crowded or claustrophobic and my teenagers are quite demanding of my time and energy.He said that he wants to continue our relationship, there is no-one else, but he needs to move out to get his act together. Everything in the house belongs to me, as he moved in with us, and he seems to feel threatened by this and wants to establish his independence.I also have a higher salary but this is only because he is not properly established in his career as yet.I am wondering whether I can take this at face value or whether I should be concerned. My friends think he is pulling away because of the stresses of living with an older woman and children and that he will probably find someone else. I wonder whether I should help him to find and set up his apartment, or whether I should leave that up to him as he may resent my help in this matter.
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reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 The other thing that would concern me if I were you is the fact that you have been cohabitating for 6 years. I have no idea what the laws are in Australia concerning property rights or how to end such a relationship, but perhaps having him move to his own place would change the legal status of this relationship, but him staying over three nights a week might keep his foothold over that common law status, which means your "stuff", your "house" might be legally split between the two of you regardless if you were ever legally married.
I just don't trust this whole situation. You can make excuses that you earn more, are too nurturing and because you are older are smothering him or you can look at the reality of the situation and see that a much younger man has lived with you for years which made it very difficult for him to sleep with other women but now he needs his independence? After six years? He can seem sincere that there isn't any one else, there probably isn't, yet, but I think he has an agenda, he's distancing himself from you and now it's a physical distance...what possible reason would a grown man would need to do that now? He wasn't a child when you met him, he isn't a child now, he knows what he wants and why he is doing this and he isn't really being honest with you...he's single now and stringing you along for the ride.
If I were you I would stop putting your focus on him and start putting your focus on you and if you want to date another man, then do so because you are single, too...so behave like one so this guy has no status as your psuedo husband....protect your assets, protect your family and peel the love goggles off of your eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those very helpful comments. Its true that he is immature, irresponsible, not financially stable and really scared of commitment.He was upset when I suggested that he was just leaving an an excuse to date younger (and of course "hotter") women, so then I started to think that maybe he was telling the truth.I have tried not to smother him, but on the other hand, he has always relied on me to be there to support him emotionally and perhaps I became a bit like a parent in that respect. I guess all children grow up and don't need that any more, so maybe he is just wanting to see if he can make it on his own. I am really sad about it, but I wouldn't try to stop him from leaving. He was quite young when we met, so I can understand that he needs time to think, sort out his life and work out what he wants. I wonder if separate living arrangements could remind him that I am supposed to be the lover and not the mother? You are right to say that I need to be aware of the open refrigerator, bed and heater, as I don't want that. Thanks guys!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): I think independence is important to men.. it does something for their sense of identity. Having dated a younger man, I can tell you that too much nurturing can feel like smothering to them and can actually drive them away...
Sometimes people outgrow things and situations, and you can approach it with grace or resist it... but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Love what you have and appreciate it but don't be upset if it wants to spread its wings and fly...
I went crazy trying to resist change, and came out much the worse for it... it would have been better had I been just present and loving the whole time. But don't let our bad experiences ruin a perfectly good relationship! Like I said, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be :)
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (22 October 2010):
I dated a man 15 years younger than myself for two years and he was in financial straits when I met him and there was lot's of drama with his baby mama. He eventually moved in with me, I helped him secure a better job as I got hired for the same position with the same company, but had better qualifications and I talked the hiring manager into hiring him, sort of a package deal as we drove an hour one way to get to work each day, also telling her that he was a good person to have on board.
We only lasted 7 months due to his sabatoging our relationship, his selfish actions, his immaturity and irresponsibility in his choices and lack of empathy for me and my needs.
All I can tell you is that your younger man is probably using you, he's sort of a parental seeker, he wants to have his own place trust me so that he can date hotter women than you, which means younger, but he wants the security of you putting him up several nights a week and doing his laundry and cooking his meals, and yeah, an open door to your refrigerator. He's more than likely conning you here and doesn't want a confrontation while he moves out.
Should you help him find his own place, hell no, give him a deadline to get that accomplished and change the locks.
Six years is a long time without the commitment of marriage, when someone moves out after that period of time, they want out.
Your children and you were a package deal, what you are seeing is an excuse to blame you for his bailing out on the relationship. I would chalk this up to lack of committment, he saw this as lasting as long as he could get something out of it and now he's bored and wants his freedom....
That's just my gut feeling on this, you know him better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): It sounds like he wants things all his own way. He wants his own space, but he doesn't care if he spends his time in it because he's going to be spending most nights with you? He wants things of his own, but he's still going to use you for your things? This doesn't sound right. Instead, you should offer to make a compromise. Instead of having everything in your house be only yours, let him add a few touches of "him" to your place. If he doesn't go for this, let him move out, but don't let him take advantage of your refrigerator, heat and bed too much. After all, he's chosen to have his own place. What's the point of him having it if he's never there?
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