A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I grew up as a guy who has a strong personality, and a perfect gentleman. Knew how to talk to girls and have always tried to be a good human being.Unfortunately, my relationships never worked out due to various reasons. When in school I was close to one of the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and we were very close, but I wanted something more and kept her feeling low and empty. Today even when I tried to be with her, she would reply saying I wonder how I was like that. It did hurt me but I got over it and today doing fine without her.After high school I went on to make more girl friends, just flirted with them, only to make them fall for me, make them beg on their knees asking them to love me, but all I did was to turn around and leave, thinking thats best in all interest. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but ended up hurting many. Two of the girls went into depression. All of them must have cursed me from the botton of their heart.I met a girl with whom I thought I could spend my life, we tried to be in a relationship but soon I lost that feeling for her as to me she was crazy, and lacked composure. I kept getting suffocated for few years, trying to make it work but I never wanted to be with her. She loved me for sure and even did many things for me, but I didn't feel like I can spend my life with her. She was not the one. After getting tired and worn out for over 3yrs, we parted ways, but even today she calls me up and asks me to be in a relationship with her.Once she was gone, I felt free and relieved. I felt now I can go out see girls and be with them. Cheating and polygamy have never been my call and after those flings and heartbreaks I wanted committed to someone. Soon, at my workplace I met a girl to whom I was least attracted. I used to spend days with her and we became close friends. It simply felt great being with her. I let all my emotions flow and told her each n everything that have been inside me because I trusted her and I had my weak self to control all those bad I had in me with myself. She turned out to be a great listener, but was not a person who would let go of her personal self that easily. However with time she told me about her relationships and even about a guy whom she was seeing, but he has gone to some far off place. I was okay with it as I never had any feelings for her, neither did I feel like going out with her.With time work did not allow us to be like we used to be, and I started missing her presence. I used to look for her, and tried all that I can to stay in touch be it a txt or a phone call. The best part was even she tried to stay in touch, she never told me that she missed me, but she did made me feel that. We met after office for a bite and it felt great being with her as usual. I realized I've started liking her a lot and told her upfront, to which she replied with her eyes in which I saw some liking for me. She didn't say a word like the way she has been, but I just knew it that she likes me.With time I started feeling hollow and empty as I wanted her to be more than a friend. I wanted to fall in love with her, and maybe thought after a few will spend my life with her as she felt like the one I wanted to be with, I felt myself with her. This got me into a stage where I told her that I'm crazy about you and I want us to work out, I wish we can be together and see each other as more than friends in a relationship. As usual she didn't say much, said it won't work out between us as we are different, said I'm saying this from my mind and not heart, made me feel and think that she wants us to be there but don't want it as she don't wanna have a heart break. Maybe she knew about the way I had been and she doubted my position.Few weeks passed and things got better. We used to talk more than usual, like we are going out. But then one night, she told that she don't want fellow colleagues to know anything about us as nothing exists. I was hurt, and asked her what she thinks abuot us, she said its a waste of time. Few days earlier she told me that I'm most of what she wants, and I'm way too different than her because of my upbringing and she found herself to be just regular. I tried my best to make her mind, to keep things open between us and she said its all upon time. She even told me that she wants to get married within few years, and wants to be with someone with whom she can get married. She wanted to be sure about everything.After couple of days, I again got the topic back on, but she was not interested in talking about it. She told me that she never said anything to me that would make me like her, she said she never felt anything for me and I'm wrong when I said that your silence made me realize even you like me. I felt like a fool, totally devastated and sick. She nullified it all. And slowly I started getting into depression.I wanted to be with her, feel her very close to me, feel her beautiful skin, her body, her soul and make her feel happy, like I always tried. I did everything I can for her, without asking for anything, but only to get hurt and feel despair. She said she cannot live without that guy who has gone far off, and even she knows she can't spend her life with him, she is unable to let go off him. I only felt disgusted, I felt weak and terrible, but had nothing to say other than to go on my knees trying to persuade her that we can ge great together.I felt something very genuine for this girl. Something which I wanted to preserve for ever as I was sick of those relationships I had. I wanted to settle down and I found it in her, but why I got all this? Why I have to get hurt and wounded when I didn't do anything wrong this time? I feel like I've lost my sanity, I can't even concentrate on work and today the worst happened. While talking to her on phone, I told her that either I've been a fool that I presumed things, or you saw me as a guy who is a high flyer, and now he is begging and pleeding infornt of you. She said that I'm blaming everything on her, and she got furious saying this is too much. Even I felt sick and said "Fuck Off".Now, I'm in tears which I can't control, in so much of pain. I've lost myself. I don't know whether I'm in love with her or not, but I truly wanted to be with her, wanted to give everything I had to her. But guess all that I did some years back got back on me. I still wish that someway or the other things will work out between us, but guess the damage has already been done... I wish I can get over her..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): it sounds to me like you are a very idealistic person, when you find a woman you like you start to get into a fantasy... I am sure you will be great in a relationship with the right person, but you need to work on communicating with and understanding women better... don't despair! try to listen more, try to understand where she is coming from... find some peace! don't get over-excited and demanding, see what she wants and above all, HAVE PATIENCE!
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