A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello all, Well there is this girl I like and she knows that I like/liked her but she drives me to do things I wouldn't normally do. Im not talking about stupid things like that I might get in trouble for but I would/will do what ever she wants me to do. I don't know what this control she has on me would be? ideas would be appreciated. But don't worry she never asks me to do anything so its not like she takes advantage of me. I care about her and talk to her but not like how I talk to other people she really makes me think and can get me to tell her anything even huge secrets but she is the only one who can. I don't know why but I do like it. Well my biggest question of this post is I have never said she was hot or sexy. I felt that wasn't respectful or kind to say to her and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. But I have expressed to her how beautiful I think she is. I have told her that when she walks into a room people notice, she asked me what I meant by this and I didn't really know what to say, maybe people don't notice but I do know that I almost always know when she walks into the cafeteria even if Im not trying to look for her. So I have never said she was hot only beautiful pretty cute and a fun person to be around. that I care about her and would do whatever she wanted me to. well I know this is a mistake from a dating point of view but this was past the point where she said she liked me as a friend. One of my friends meets her on a friday gets her number that night the next day a saturday hangs with her during the day goes to the movies that night with me and some other friends and said that he hooked up with her. I don't understand how he didn't put in any work probably doesn't respect her nearly as much as me and would just hook up with her after pretty much just meeting her. He is my friend so I there is no hate, and I don't think to differently of her but I do know that she isn't daddy's little girl like she always acted around me. The point of this post was should I have said she was hot because she might have liked that more, I know he told her she looked hot and she seemed to like it but honestly I have no clue when it comes to her. at this point in time I don't really know what I am feeling, I care about her the same still would do anything but I guess I just want to spend time with her cause she makes me feel different and good or special. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the help. I read each one of these through a few times and really appreciate the time spent on writing these. The top post made me realize that I can't be such a push over when it comes to this girl. I need to get some control so that when she does ask me for something I won't just say yes without hesitation.
The second post was very helpful with the (see if she makes eye contact thing) today at lunch she was sitting at a table 30 to 40 feet away and I looked over not to see just them because there was a door behind her table so I was sorta looking to see who was walking in but anyway we made eye contact a few times and then she would talk to her friends and laugh idk if thats good or bad but if I can get a laugh thats cool with me. Also with this if she makes eye contact then looks away should I continue to look or just pretend it hasn't happened not like stare but just look over so she knows I was interested.
For the Last post I would love to take her out on a date and have gotten a yes but the date is TBD so idk. I will try my best not to let myself fall for her and will try and set boundaries when it comes to her asking me stuff. I agree I wouldn't say its love because I know her and have spent time with her but haven't gone on a date with her. I just enjoy spending the little bit of time I have with her.
thank you all
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 November 2010):
 "I would/will do what ever she wants me to do."
This needs to change. First, you owe it to yourself to have boundaries. Second, she will actually be more attracted to a man who has boundaries and will say "No" to her face than one who will do anything she asks.
"I don't know what this control she has on me would be?"
It's called infatuation. She's hot and is paying attention to you, you're wired to enjoy it.
"I have never said she was hot or sexy. I felt that wasn't respectful or kind to say to her and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable."
It's not disrespectful unless it's in front of her grandmother. Girls like to be respected, but they also like a man willing to be forward, willing to risk offense. Stop treating her like a delicate flower and more like a grownup. She is a sexual being, and so are you, don't be ashamed to act like it under the right circumstances.
"I don't understand how he didn't put in any work probably doesn't respect her nearly as much as me and would just hook up with her after pretty much just meeting her."
He did respect her, but as a peer and a sexual being, not as a special snowflake. At least, he did until he was done with her; not sure if he did after or not. She responded to an assertive, dominant man who was clear about what he wanted. In contrast, you acted like you did not want sex, so you did not get any.
"I do know that she isn't daddy's little girl like she always acted around me."
You are learning, young Anon. Now apply that lesson to every female over the age of consent.
"The point of this post was should I have said she was hot?"
Yes, but you can't attribute everything to just that one point. Read everything above a second time. Assertiveness, dominance, and honest expression of your intentions do not preclude respect or compassion. Being willing to give everything does not get you anything - you have to be willing to ask, to receive, and trust yourself to be kind in response.
"I just want to spend time with her cause she makes me feel different and good or special."
All girls know how to do that. Most do it honestly, because most are decent folks. Some do it to manipulate you into doing things for them for free. As you get older, you'll learn to tell the difference, if you're paying attention.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Well hun, if anything, I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, I would keep doing what you're doing. If the girl doesn't realize she's being treated by a gentleman, she'll end up regretting it later if she gets involved with a "bad boy". You seem like a very nice guy. As a female, I agree that being called "sexy" or something COULD be a little uncomfortable, depending on the girl, especially if they weren't close to the person who called her sexy, you know? Calling her beautiful is really noble, since many guys don't use those words anymore.
You can try to see if she does in fact like you. Some girls play coy. Try to catch her looking at you in school when she least expects it... girls do that. If they are caught staring at a guy they'll probably look away pretty fast. Test out those things, and if you're bold as her to hang out, go to a movie or something.
If she doesn't like someone who seems as nice as you, well, it's really her loss. It's hard to get over somebody especially if they're nice to look at but I hope everything works out for you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Well that is really sweet that you respect her like that. I digg that you don't know what you are feeling right now and it's because your in your teenage years and well I am too. I wouldn't quite say it's love but a huge crush you have on her. And you telling her she is hott would make her feel good but you want to make sure that you don't go out of your comfort zone just for her. And don't fall to head over heals for her because you never know if she will end up falling in love with someone else in time. I think that if you really like her take her out on a few dates and see if this is the kind of girl you would want to be with when your older because remember in teenage years dating is a way to find out what you want in a person when you are older and whatevr you like about her now, someone else later on in life could be the same as her. But once your friend and her aren't together anymore give her time to think things straight like two weeks at the most and if you really care for her then date her there is no harm done in that. And by the way it sounds even if you guys breakup there is a good possibilty that you guys can remain close friends afterward then too. So don't force yourself to do things just for her, you need to make sure you feel right telling her certain things before you tell her make yourself feel comfortable first before going to her needs because you never know, she could be a totally different person then what she apperas to be when you are not around. Good luck:]
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