A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some grounding comments on my situation. I was long term married to a decent guy and had 2 kids but a few years ago I met another guy and felt real chemistry. He was 8 years younger, had a partner who was expecting his first child and he lived and worked locally. We couldn't resist each other and ended up having sex. I found out I was pregnant. I told him, we talked and I had an early abortion and it upset me deeply. This didn't end things though and we continued to meet up on and off for another 2 years.Then lightning struck twice and I found myself pregnant again, and although not sure, I thought it was my lovers child. I was over 40 and already about 7wks gone. I couldn't bring myself to abort again and had the baby. My lover kept in contact for the duration, calling me when he could, but didn't want to see the baby and my marriage was up and down.Then a few months ago we met up again and have now started seeing each other every couple of weeks. I no longer want sex with my husband.He is the baby's 'dad' and doesn't seem to realise she isn't his. I have tried suggesting separation to him but he doesn't want to even though I've said hes more like a friend to me.I do worry about the paternity issues minefield, my teenage children's distress and my lack of money we did split. My lover seems fairly content with his home life and we don't discuss our daughter when we're together as it was my decision to have her and I feel it makes him sad to think of her being brought up by my husband. Yes I know we've brought this all on ourselves...just where do I go from here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's good to hear from a male perspective and some excellent points made so far. Thanks. So to add.. my husband, the innocent party in this, has a needy personality and a poor self-image, he is negative, moody and can be controlling. My biggest mistake was to stay with him in the first place but he is well organised where I am not and I thought we could help change things for the better, a head over heart decision. On the plus side he has a successful career. My lover is mine, I can be simple, passionate me, a side that has been eroded over 23 years of over analysing our sex life, criticising it and comparing it to others he reads about in the papers. My lover does none of this, he is just passionate, considerate and gentle. He also reminds me a little of my father, who separated from my mother when I was 7, although was still around for me. No, don't expect my lover to pay a penny toward our child. I definitely need to ask those soul-searching questions.. I am selfish. My mother worked hard to give me everything, I am her only child and at times felt very smothered. I don't know how I can deal with the past though. Selfishly too, I wish I could convince my lover to meet his beautiful daughter...
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 The younger man is not going to want to take care of the kid. There's no way you can convince him of that, short of dropping her off at his door - and that'd be a long shot anyway.
If he really wanted to be with you and raise kids with you, he would have asked you to leave your husband. Guys are extremely jealous of the women they care about, and if he really felt anything, he would be deeply upset by the thought of another man sleeping with you, even (perhaps especially) your husband.
In all likelihood, asking the other man to step up will simply drive him to leave you and find a new mistress. There's really nothing you can do about him; even child support is probably not an option if your husband signed your daughter's birth certificate.
Much more importantly, you need to tell the your husband you've cuckolded him, for one thing. He deserves to know, he's a decent guy (as you described) who *swore* to take care of you and your family - he didn't sign up for this, any more than he signed up for cheating or a sexless marriage. It sounds like his only crime is being too boring and reliable.
Besides, he'll probably be more amenable to a split if you tell him about this.
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