A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years. Yes, I knew since the start of our relationship that he masturbated to images of hot chicks on the internet. Then, I didn't care in the least. Why? The sex we had was awesome. He wanted me several times a day. He always took his time. He would explore every inch of my body. He was very loving. Always holding my hand, looking me deep in the eyes, telling me how much he loves me, how sexy my body was and how much I turned him on. All he had to do was get a glimpse of my in my underwear and he was throwing me on the bed. He made me feel like the sexiest girl in the world. I am not shy in bed. I am very enthusiastic, I tell him what a god he is, I am not the girl to just lay there! So, why would I care that he jerks off on his spare time when he made me feel so wanted, so loved, so desired? three years into our relationship, he moved in with me. At that point we were no longer having sex 3 times a day, but it was still everyday and in the same loving fashion. After a few weeks of living with me, I noticed that our sex dropped from every day, to three times a week, then two, then MAYBE once a week. I was wondering what the hell?? And when we did have sex, no more was he making me feel sexy and desired, it was like he was taking out the trash. Something he didn't like to do but he knows that it needs to be done. It was quick and jack-rabbit style. Well, I found his flash drive and had thousands of pictures of half naked women (all categorized by name) Dates on them told me that he would jump on the computer minutes after me leaving the house to go to work or run errands. He would exert all of his energy on these images and leaving me sexually frustrated and confused. His excuse was that he is tired or doesn't feel well! Now, that my sexy time with him has been drastically reduced, him lying to me on why he doesn't feel like having sex, and when we do, it is over before it started...I now have a problem with him jerking off to porn. He is picking them over me!! I don't think so!!!!We had several talks about this, it would get better, but he is still doing it after I told him how it made me feel. Our last talk on the matter, I asked why does he keep doing it when he knows it hurts me, it makes me feel ashamed of myself, it is taking away our intimacy. He told me that he will stop all together, and then told me that I need to let this go, forgive him and stop punishing him, if not, he may have to leave me because he no longer wants to be punished for this. Our sex life is back to about 5 days a week, it is not all jack rabbit style. But now, he has put a lock on his ipod and takes it with him to the bathroom?? I've noticed that when we do have sex, he quickly goes in the bathroom with his ipod and comes out hard?! It's like he needs to get himself excited in order to have sex with me!! So, since he told me that he will stop hurting me like this, and that he promised to give it up...do I have a valid excuse to break up with him because he made me a promise that he knew he wouldn't keep?? Plus he said if I was unable to let it go, he will leave me!! Other than this, our relationship is still wonderful. He tells me all the time that he loves me. He rather do something with me than with his friends. He considers me his best friend. He wants to marry me. If it wasn't for him sneaking and lying to me about this, we are a perfect couple! What should I do??!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, olderthandirt, that I understand, but when those fantasies are taking MY place, I have a HUGE problem with that. I am sure if you were in a relationship and your girl was choosing hot guys with more defined muscles and a bigger member than having sex with you, you my friend would have a problem with it to!!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 My answer is always the same... porn is fantasy and is to be treated as such. If he has a porn dream during the night is he guilty of breaking a sacred trust? NO!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Here's a logical question:
Why would he use the words "No, he said he will leave me eventually if I am unable to let go of the past and continue to punish him for what he has done. " if this stuff isn't TH PAST??
If it's still going on, it's not the past. It's the present. It's not punishment, it's dissatisfaction with the relationship. He's not just a porn addict, he's a raging porn addict. He can't even feel natural arousal without dragging his ipad into the bathroom like a stallion with a tease mare.
I don't think it has anything to do with losing interest in you. It has to do with his messing up his arousal circuits with porn. The addiction is worse now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was single most of his life. He never was the guy to go seek out one night stands, he likes being in relationships. With that being said, his longest sexual partner is his hand and these pictures. I know it was a habit formed well before meeting me, but the first two years or so, his habit never got in the way of desiring me...hence why I never considered it a problem. It saddens me that there is a chance he no longer finds me desirable and no longer gets that high when he is with me. He still puts me on a pedestal on every other aspect of our relationship...but if I cannot be his number one desire anymore, I don't feel love is enough for me. It's like he is saying "I love you and I want to marry you, but I would rather screw the neighbor girl." Thank you YouWIsh for your advice and making me feel like what I am feeling is valid. I agree that I should no longer punish him about this...and I don't for the most part. But it is hard for me to keep a smile on my face when he goes into the bathroom for 10 minutes with his Ipod. I mean, I am right here!!! I understand every guy should have his "own time" but not when I am sitting in the next room. I wouldn't care if he would use his imagination (yes, he is thinking about another girl, but is not getting the same kind of "high" from it) I just never thought I would be in this kind of situation with him. I give him my everything!!! I have never turned him down for sex! I tried to one time, but he translated the no as "try again later"...and I ended up giving it to him. I can tell when he is thinking of another when we are having sex(he hardly looks at me and never kisses me during) That makes me feel like a tool than a partner. Thanks for all of the advice! I greatly appreciate it and will take it all into consideration. Want to exhaust all my avenues first before bringing up therapy :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): I have a lot of respect for YouWish, but I'm not sure I agree with her here. Not yet, anyway. I think labeling this porn addiction is premature. You might just have a dud of a boyfriend on your hands.Have his porn viewing habits changed since you started dating? As he gradually lost interest in sex with you, did he start watching more and more porn? If so, MAYBE it's a porn addiction problem. But if his porn habits have remained constant, clearly the porn has nothing to do I with it. If he's not looking at any more porn now than he was when you were doing it three times a day and he was a god in bed, then porn didn't cause that change. He's simply lost interest in you, whether he wants to admit it or not. And even if his porn habits have increased, there's no guarantee of cause and effect. It may be that his loss of interest in you lead him to more porn, not the other way around. It may not be that he's a porn addict, he's just a loser that can't handle a real relationship.In I either case, I 100% agree with YouWish that you deserve better. He doesn't respect you or your relationship. You can't trust him, because you know he's deceiving you. You have more than enough grounds to break up with him, and then some. I think it's time for you to move on, and find somebody who will make you feel like a goddess in bed.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2014):
He is a porn addict, and yes, he hasn't upheld his side of the bargain. But it's one he can't win if he doesn't get help for this addiction. That's like telling a meth addict simply not to do it anymore, or a heroin addict to stop shooting up. He'll feel withdrawal same as any other addict, because what he's addicted to is the pleasure pathways that porn has created in his brain. His brain creates natural endorphines that are very hard to come off of.
You don't need to accept the lack of sex, but he does need to get help. I think you do understand that it's not about you. Most women in your position start self-internalizing it, like they're not good enough or he wants a prettier girl, which isn't it. He's addicted to the high. His arousal response patterns have gotten used to being hyperstimulated by porn instead of the natural state of arousal with a woman.
If he's up for getting help from his porn addiction, I think there's something to work with, but the deception, the accusing you of "punishing" him..all that has to go.
Seriously - who can blame you for not wanting to put up with this? You're not punishing him. You're standing up for better treatment, and you're in the right for doing so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he said he will leave me eventually if I am unable to let go of the past and continue to punish him for what he has done. Overtime, I was treating him really cold, hardly talking to him and not connecting to him on an emotional level because of his action. So, he agreed to give up masturbating to images of random women if I can forgive him and move forward. But, now he has gotten sneakier about it. Even though I love him so much, I have thought of leaving him because he didn't hold up his end of the deal!! And the whole making him feel like a god in bed, I did that because he was. I have never experienced sex with another man like I have with him. I want that kind of physical intimacy back. I want him to be just as turned on by me as I am by him. I don't want him to have to look at images in order to get in the mood for me. I want the passion, and believe me, I've tried to keep the spice going. I honestly feel if he will give up surfing the internet his desires for me will come back....but I don't know if I can wait much longer :-(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2014):
Seriously, he said that if you didn't accept his porn addiction and the lack of sex between you, he'd leave you??
I'd call his bluff on that one and throw him out. The guy has a serious porn addiction, and it has nothing to do with you. It's like the social drinker who gradually becomes an alcoholic. He's caught in it, and he's using the "I'll leave" because he believes that you're desperate enough to not mean what you say. Is he right??
Check this site out:
www.Yourbrainonporn.com
This is a fantastic site about the effects of porn addiction (the fatigue, the needing extra stimulation, the erectile dysfunction, the difficulty getting stimulated by conventional intercourse,the "stress" factor, and other things). It will absolutely open your eyes to what you're going through, and you're not alone. It's not a judgmental site, but a truly useful one for guys who recognize that their addiction is destroying their healthy relationships.
You need to make the stand. It's not acceptable what he's doing, and it crosses the line when it starts affecting your real flesh and blood intimacy.
Another thing - stop being so available. You're not his animated sex doll telling him how big he is and what a god he is. Don't accept his manipulation crap about you "punishing" him. It's smokescreen and noise. He pulls that crap, you tell him "have fun with your fantasy". He needs help.
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