A
female
age
30-35,
*arasvati
writes:Needlessly hostile boyfriend, hard to deal with.I'm on my last nerve with my boyfriend, and I feel like I have no one else to turn to. We've been dating for over a year, and we're both 21. This weekend was supposed to be a good, fun couple of days with him, and yesterday went just fine. However, today he has been yelling at me for multiple, minuscule things. For example, he became angry with me because I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat, and then he yelled at me for sitting on the arm of the couch. I can understand maybe saying something about it once, but he was overly dramatic about both events. I tried to communicate with him by asking why he was acting so hostile, and he abruptly started screaming, saying that I feel like I'm entitled to everything. I told him that if anything he is the one who feels entitled, because I find myself buying him food daily and giving him car rides, since he does not have a job or is going to school. He told me that if I felt that way, I could just go home. He yelled this loud enough for the entire household to hear this, and he said it with such hatred that my heart skipped several beats and my face turned red in embarrassment and shame. Immediately afterward, he fell asleep (seemingly uncaring), leaving me to sit in my worry. How could I better communicate with him? How should I handle this? Should I have left, or do I need to give him some time? I feel helpless and, despite the fact I know I did nothing wrong, I feel like I have. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 They told you already but one more repetition won't hurt : of course you can do better. You can ALWAYS do better : you can stay single and be on your own.
The feminists in the '70s used to say : a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bycicle. I am not as extreme- I am not a feminist - but I agree that a man is a want, not a need. We are not talking about food, shelter, water.
If you meet someone who can make your life better and happier, he's welcome, and you take him. If he makes your life worse and unhappier- you apply a swift kick to his backside and stay on your own ( which is definitely better than the pain ,stress,and shame of staying in abusive relationships ) till you meet a person who actually brings happiness rather than grief.
At the end of the day, it's really THAT simple.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 You can do better. Being single is even better than this. Ask yourself if this is good enough, if you are happy. You only live once, settling for "better, but still bad" will be like throwing your life away. Learn to be independent. Dare to be on your own. A boyfriend is not supposed to complete you, or carry you. You need to be responsible for yourself, carry yourself. Then, a boyfriend can fulfill his true purpose: be the cherry on top of the cake that is your amazing life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2013):
 So this is your second abusive relationship. Honey, that is very worrisome. It could be bad luck but it also could have something to do with you. You need to find out which it is. First step is to get out of this last abusive relationship. It is not going to get any better, only worse. Once you are free then perhaps speaking to a counselor who specializes in these kind or relationships. Just to check it out and get your mind thinking clearly. Stay single for a while, it can be very therapeutic and empowering.
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A
female
reader, Sarasvati +, writes (4 October 2013):
Sarasvati is verified as being by the original poster of the question @YouWish, my mother thinks the same as you do. I really do not know. I lived with him for a long while and did not notice any evidence that would suggest he was on drugs. But that doesn't mean anything. He often sleeps all day and stays up from 8 pm to 8 am. Our mutual friends have not said anything either. But I suppose it's a possibility....it would explain his laziness.
To reply to everyone else, I appreciate your prompt and honest responses. It's difficult to leave a relationship that you're so invested in, however. I also feel pathetically reliant on the romantic presence of another person, so that's why it's been hard for me. As if that weren't enough, he also lies about everything, I feel like (saying his biological father was dead, lying about his age to my mother, even saying he wasn't dumping money into an online game even when I had proof). But because he is a vast improvement from my previous (and abusive) boyfriend, I feel that is the best I can do.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Yes, OP, you should have left. Long ago. Clearly the honeymoon is over and your boyfriend is no longer interested in impressing you.
The best way to communicate your dissatisfaction is to leave without another word and never come back. When he sees how easy it is to be kicked to the curb, he'll either smarten up or live the rest of his days alone.
He didn`t change overnight, OP. This has been building for some time and you`ve been putting up with it and you shouldn`t. Not everyone deserves a second chance. If you want men to treat you well, you must be prepared to walk away if they don`t.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 September 2013):
You should not handle at all !
I feel I am becoming boring and repetitive here on DC, bcause lately there's been a whole strings of " how do I deal with.... " and my answer is always the same : who says you have to deal with ANYTHING other people decide to throw at you ? So maybe the advice is not very inventive, yet I think it's rather sensible :
you have the responsibility for directing your life to follow the path you want, and you have the responsibily for whomever you accept as a fellow traveller to accompany, for a while or forever, on this path.
Who needs travelling with a companion who is hostile, aggressive, overly rude, irrational, and potentially dangerous ? better ditch him and travel solo for a while .
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 September 2013):
 You handle this by getting up and walking out the door and not coming back. who the hell needs that kind of treatment??!? That's just psycho on his part. He clearly needs anger management if he blows up like that over you sitting on the arm of a chair or not knowing what you want to eat. Jesus.
I would leave a person like this. But ghats just me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2013):
At your age it is so hard to see the simple truth: he is not someone you should be in a relationship with! Yes, there are things in a relationship that can be worked on, but only when both parties actually want to, and it is something minor. Like long distance relationships. Like ling working hours. Like how often you see each other. Like when there are frequent misunderstandings. When both parties give a little and take a little and communicate properly. Your boyfriend dies not communicate properly, and YOU cant fix him! Your boyfriend is aggressive, YOU cant fix that. He doesnt respect you.. Again, you can not fix that. Those three things make a relationship with him impossible. They are dealbreakes. You need to end the relationship and be with someone who treats you right out of his own free will. You cant make/force someone to treat you nice. Realize that you can not fix him or change his personality. If you stay you are accepting his treatment of you. Nothing will ever change. You will find someone better, in the meantime it is better to be single than with a man who treats you so poorly. He actually is dangerous, because this is part of a process to break you down and make you feel responsible for his actions.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2013):
 Actually, I don't know why I thought of this, but is he taking drugs? His behavior sounds really erratic, and coupled with the fact that he has no job and is letting you pay for him only to go off on you like this, it sounds like he's taking something.
Other than that, he could be hoping you break up with him, but he's too much of a coward to do it to you, so he's provoking you to do it.
Either way, drop the guy. Don't waste time with him anymore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): "How could I better communicate with him?"
You can't.
"How should I handle this? Should I have left, or do I need to give him some time?"
You should have left a long time ago.
"I feel helpless and, despite the fact I know I did nothing wrong, I feel like I have."
That's exactly how he wants you to feel, if you think that you're in the wrong then he'll be better able to control you.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 September 2013):
 It's nothing you have done wrong. That angry and irrational person is who your boyfriend is. It can easily take a year or even longer to get to know someone fully in a relationship, and your boyfriend finally feels comfortable enough around you (read: secure enough that you won't leave him) to start showing his true colors. Now that he's shown you this side of his personality you can probably expect to see this kind of behavior from him on an increasing basis. He tested the waters, so to speak, and you put up with his crap. He will now feel he has the upper hand and will be more confident in belittling you the next time.
Run the other way, and hard though it seems, consider yourself lucky: my mother, for example, was MARRIED to my father before she found out he has a temper like your boyfriend's. And their marriage hasn't been a happy one. She has said on occasion that had she seen that side of him beforehand, she'd never have exchanged vows with him. But she didn't know better, and we kids grew up with him yelling and throwing things when something trivial wasn't perfect.
Don't waste another minute on this guy, as clearly he's not grateful for the kindness you've shown him.
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