A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would you stay with someone if you knew they're health was going to deteriorate drastically over the next few years to the point of posdible handicap! We've been together for two years and always up front about it but now that we're staring at this head on its changing our perspective. Is it selfish to leave or selfish to stay? The love is there but the fear is too. We're 22 and 23 btw. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): He's going blind and has a degenerative disc disease too. And I knew about his vision loss when we started seeing each other but the disc disease came after a back injury at work one day. I love him to pieces and knew that the potential to him losing his eyesight was there but now we got another diagnoses that says things are going downhill rapidly. I love him to pieces and I'm not with him out of pity but I've never taken care of anyone and it scares me to fail him when he needs me the most because I know he'd not leave me when needed him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): So Very Confused, I'm sorry to read about your spine, I always follow your wise responses.
I hope your husband will support you and stick with you when you really need him and not turn back to drinking and abusive behaviour again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): Remember, you don't necessarily have to be in a romantic relationship or marriage with this person in order to help them when they do become disabled from a degenerative disease, if that is what you want to do.
I knew a woman whose long term boyfriend ended up getting diagnosed with MS. He was getting very sick, and was at the point soon of not being able to work anymore, or take care of much. They had been engaged, but decided to break it off so as not to financially tie her to all his upcoming bills.
She still spent time with him almost every day, and took him to doctors' appointments when his family could not. Then, she started seeing another man after a while who also befriended her ex, and it seemed to work out very well for all of them. They all saw a lot of each other & remained very good friends. The ex was well cared for.
There are as many possiblities as you can imagine. Your relationship and obligations are yours to create with your significant other. Use both of your imaginations to come up with a scenario that works for you both, and is mutually beneficial.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2015):
 I'm older than you. I got engaged February 29, 2012. About two weeks later I was diagnosed with early onset degenerative disc disease. Basically my spine is collapsing on itself and I will require care for this for the rest of my life. As it progresses I will become more and more mobility impaired and less able to care for my home, myself, or my spouse.
I tried to break the engagement as I wanted him (as a much younger partner) to not have to push me in a wheelchair for 20 years... he said "in for a penny in for a pound" and currently is actually the sicker of the two of us and I am doing the lion's share of caring for each other.
My father fully expected to outlive my mother. He made arrangements for his pension to be reduced so that when he died she would be cared for. She died ten months after they retired.
There are NO guarantees in life. NONE. Fear is a rational thought in every case. The unknown can be scary.
Is it selfish to leave? I don't think so. Self care is the most important thing a person can do to help love another person.
Can you love someone and still leave them. Yes you can. I love my husband but had he not gotten sober earlier this year I would have left him. My heart would break because I love him so but MY needs and my self care are more important than anything else. I am USELESS to people if I am not taking care of myself.
IF ending this relationship is what a person needs then that has to be respected.
IF it was ME at my age knowing what I know I would probably stay.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (17 April 2015):
If you ask other people, I would imagine many people would say that they would stay with their partner, if they were in a loving relationship with them. They would probably say it depends on how strong the feelings are, how serious you are, and whether you honestly believe you can cope with what’s to come. They, and I, would also say that this makes it a very individual thing, and there’s no right and wrong if you’re completely honest with each other. Only you will know if you can, and want to, face it. Remember, though, that it’s okay if you can’t, and even if you can, you don’t have to. It would be crueller to lie than to be honest if you want to walk away. Give this a lot of thought, but whatever you do, be honest and be firm in sticking to the decision you make.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2015):
 There are no SET rules you have to follow.
I don't think it's selfish to STAY if you two work well together despite this illness, AS LONG AS you don't stay out of pity or because you FEEL obligated - that wouldn't be fair.
And I don't think it's selfish to leave IF you CAN'T handle the changes.
Did you ever read the story of Kelly and Jessie Cottle? If not - look it up. (this is a brief description) He was wounded in combat and lost his leg doing rehab and she met him for a swim-meet - so she met him AFTER he lost his legs.
There are MANY stories out of of people making it work. Stephen Hawking and his ASL. He still had a love life and had children. And while his body may not have been strong, the man's mind is brilliant.
There is no shame in staying OR going. As long as it's for the "right" reasons for the TWO OF YOU.
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