A
female
age
41-50,
*utterflyEffect76
writes:Where do I start.....As a single, I was very sexual and had multiple partners both male and female.I met my now husband this way so he knows what my past was like.I have always wanted sex with multiple partners, but for many years I let it subside and I had been completely monogamous to my husband but on and off I found myself talking to other people sexually on the internet but never anything physical.My husband agreed to meet and have sex with other people. It has only happened a few times for him, and for me only once since we have been married.I want sex with other people so much. I crave sex, I want it and I need it.My husband loves sex with me so that part isnt the problem, but I dont get the pleasure out of sex when with my husband which causes me great sorrow as I love him deeply.My husband has asked me not to look for anyone else to have sex with either of us as he wants us to be monogamous again. I have accepted this but its not what I want.For me, sex is a painful chore and the only sexual pleasure I now receive is from self pleasure when I am alone.I feel like my husband thinks pleasuring me is a chore as if I have not orgasmed within 5 mins from the start he tells me to make myself orgasm. I dont enjoy sex with my husband at all. This has made me hate sex with him and I no longer orgasm with him even though I offer him sex daily.I admit I do not like giving him sex anymore. I dont get anything out of it other then knowing once he has orgasmed he will be in a better mood which is why I do it.I fear I am still married because of our children. I have been with him 7 years and I dont want to get divorced.So my question is: Would you stay in a orgasmless marriage??
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 I am with Covent Garden Girl. Maybe you talk more about orgasm because it is sort of more evident than all the rest of bad things that are happening to you. But I think your real question should be whether you should stay in this marriage. Your husband sure has a very high load of resentment agains you. I don't think the children would be spared that. And, though children should always come first, in a case like this maybe no one would blame you if you left the man. You need to put yourself on the balance, too.
I don't think he is ever going to change. I would recommend your leaving him.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I felt quite sad reading your last post.
You say you don't know what love is. Maybe he feels that, too. Or maybe he's fallen out of love himself. Whatever the cause, the two of you have a lot of sexual and relationship issues that are causing a lot of pain. An open marriage will only work if the marriage itself is working, and somehow that doesn't seem to be the case here.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do, and hope things turn out for the best.
Oldfool
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A
male
reader, theOC  +, writes (26 June 2008):
I would not stay in an orgasmless marriage. We are all sexual beings and the thought of not having an orgasm is horrible. You mentioned that you have kids and are worried about your kids. I'm not sure how old they are, but don't sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your children. Your children will be fine in the future. When they're of age, they will understand.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLazyGuy, You are right. I am not sure what love is. He is my first boyfriend, so I have no past experience of how the relationship side of things work.
At first it was great, even the sex was wonderful. He was a loving and attentative lover who took his time to make me feel fantastic.
Over time, and with my problems after childbirth, I asked him to not spend too much time inside me. It caused pain. This subsided and things got a little better but over the last year it is only when he has had a few drinks that he stays up longer.
I have asked him to go to counselling with me, but he refuses. He doesnt want anyone knowing our sex life is as bad as it is as he tells all his mates how fantastic it is, that he sleeps with other people when he wants because I allow it and one of his mates spoke to me about it and asked if I would have sex with him!! So the thought is there for my hubby too, whether its just to spruke off to his mates, if he really feels that way and just doesnt want me to do it.
I have recently felt that he has been having an affair, but cant prove it and while I wont cheat on him I just wish we could clean the slate and start afresh so we can rediscover ourselves again.
To me, I dont know what love is. I think I love him, I miss him when he isnt here and while I am not jealous of him having slept with other girls while we have been married, when I have seen him making advances on other women I am very jealous. So much so that I caused a HUGE scene and told him how it wasnt what we had planned.
At the start I truly thought that my desire to see other people would go away. But at first the desire to go with another female crept in and my husband loved seeing me talking to other bi women. But it has never been about us having 3somes etc. We simply went our separate ways to have fun. He had more luck then me and the women then emailed me afterwards saying they couldnt wait til next time and then one told me she would work her way to taking him for herself. So, it seemed to me that he was attentative to the others, but not me, but still saying that he only wants me sexually, but when we are sexual, it isnt a 2 way street.
He says I dont "make love" anymore, which is probably true as I dont feel that passion there from him anymore. Yes he may want sex, he wants to kiss and touch me as it suits him, but I dont feel loved.
I guess thats why I have tried to accept that this is how its going to be from now one and work out ways to try and exist in the world the way things are at the moment.
I know divorce is inevitable. But I am trying to delay it as long as I can as I dont want to have custody issues with him. My children have special needs, and a divorce will set back their progress and its something I do not want to happen. I am willing to put my life on hold so my children can be in a home with both parents.
Home life isnt that bad, we dont fight, so the kids dont see conflict, but we do discuss things that are happening, but thats always when the kids are in bed asleep. We have taken to also emailing each other so we get out what we want without cutting each other off like can happen when talking.
Yes my husband can appear very controlling to me, but he normally only lets this be seen by me. If we have anyone around he plays the loving husband.
I guess I just wanted to know from other people in a similiar situation was how they lived their lives so they felt happier.
At the moment I feel so down, and I want to feel happier again.
Thanks for your time!!
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
The way you put it, he definitely has serious resentments pent up inside.
"Castration" (means he feels inferior and less masculine). Rape (means he's punishing you for your "indiscriminate" sexual desires). "Find nice friends in the park" (means he hates you communicating sexually on-line).
Somehow I feel that this is not about an orgasmless marriage; it's about your husband's issues with your sexuality. Are there other signs that he may be taking things out on you?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Wow this is one messed up situation.
I would suggest that you two get some serious counseling and I really have to wonder why the hell you two ever got together.
You two really just don't seem compatible at all where is the love? The attraction, the desire to make the other person happy?
Why the hell did a woman who wants sex with lots of different people preferably at the same time agree to marry a man who wants a monogamous relationship?
You also basically claim you trained him to be quick and now complain he is too quick.
What do you kind of advice do you expect anyway except, get a divorce?
You had a lot of different partners in the past, didn't this teach you anything? Surely it can't be the first time you been with man who needed a bit of coaching? Just how good was the sex you had before you got with this guy?
I am seeing two people who ain't right for each other and little hope of them both accepting that they need to work together to make things work.
Get counseling but be prepared to accept that this marriage is not just over but should never have happened. Some people just aren't meant to be together no matter how deeply in love they think they are. (and I seriously doubt anyone who wants to sleep around is in love).
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA few weeks ago my husband drank way too much, and for the first time in ages he stayed hard for hours. Seems to happen when he drinks.
But this time was different. He tied me up, which I dont mind and we have done it before, but this time, once I was fully restrained he raped me. He was dirty, ruthless and it took me a long time to even talk to him after it happened and the week or so after he did nothing but suck up to me and said that thats what he thought I wanted from others.
It was the first time I got really scared of him.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
Well, the problem lies with your husband's poor sexual performance, not your nymphomaniacal desires! :)
His rough sexual play and blaming you for his premature ejaculation sounds like he's angry with you for some reason.
It also sounds like he doesn't want you to have sex with other men because it would show him up.
Why is he treating you like this? Is there some issue that is eating at him? Or is his natural sexuality (rough) something that's taken time to emerge?
Since you've tried to communicate the problem to him and he only comes back with hurtful insinuations (accusations of castration), it's hard to see what other steps you can take. Communication really is basic and when one partner refuses to communicate or respond, it's hard to do anything.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe time issue of 5mins is partly because once he enters me, he barely lasts a minute and the longer he works on me, the less time he lasts once inside me.
He blames it on me as a few years ago after I had children I was experiencing intense pain with intercourse and I would ask him to hurry.
I have asked him to see someone about it but he gets angry and says he would be better off castrated.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried countless times to show my hubby what I like. And yes, he was able to give me great orgasms, its not only having a new people to have sex with me.
These days he is just so rough. He hurts me, not intentionally he says, but from touching my breasts which he pulls and bites, to touching my pubic mound, grabbing it, squeezing it tight and pulling at it. I have told him that when he hurts me I cant just orgasm. I have told him that I need to be built up to orgasm not just do it when he is ready.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
Posted my response after an exchange between Daniel Pew and the OP, so my comments might be off the mark.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I shouldnt say that he wont let me have friends. I asked him how I am supposed to meet "nice" people and he told me to go out to the park and meet them. For me, I am extremely shy in real life and this makes it difficult for me.
Online I can be anyone I want to be and can chat about anything and everything. And I know I used to be very sexual but it was like I put myself into another role and I played it out when I met people from the net.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
Which is the problem?
1) Your husband's lovemaking is boring and a chore, and he starts getting impatient after 5 minutes.
2) No matter how good your husband's lovemaking might be, you just want multiple sexual partners, that's what you like.
If the answer is 1), then an improvement in your husband's lovemaking abilities would at least partially solve the problem.
If the answer is 2), then only reaching a new agreement with your husband could solve the root cause of the problem.
I'm just curious: Can these multiple sex partners give you the 5-minute orgasm that your husband can't give you? Or is the problem that you love the excitement of the whole process, and every minute leading up to the orgasm (whether 5 minutes or 50) is filled with pleasure in a way that your husband's "chore-like sex" never is?
At any rate, from the sound of it, this orgasmless marriage isn't going anywhere unless you can communicate with your husband and get him to agree to address the issue.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes there are lots of things in the relationship side of things that I dont like. But I am not perfect either.
I am always depressed these days. I do very little but play with my kids and go on the internet. I rarely leave the house.
My husband complains I am not the fun exciting girl I used to be when we started dating. He noticed that when I was talking online to other people in a sexual nature that I was much happier.
Im not saying my husband is the sole problem. I know I am the problem because he tells me so. Its just finding a way to move on I guess.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
Dear poster, the issue is not just sex, but control. Maybe he is jealous, is afraid you would cheat, and, instead of giving you reasons not to, sends you to the dungeon and throws the key.
You need to stand your ground regarding his controlling nature, and your insatisfaction. I think you should talk very seriously to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): For awhile yes, but not without counseling for both of you. Number one, your husband needs to learn how to please you in bed. And you need to think about the possibility that you are a sex addict, and once the "thrill" is removed (i.e. your married and having sex with only one guy) you have issues enjoying yourself. Seek counseling at once and hopefully a fulfilling sex life will blossom out of it for both of you without involving other people in your bedroom. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think the monogamy has only been as issue when my husband became more and more controlling of me and not allowing me to have friends even on a social platonic scale.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyEffect76 +, writes (26 June 2008):
ButterflyEffect76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think the problem is that I think that my husband will never make me orgasm again or try and make me feel sexually alive.
Yes I would love to see other people, but it is not all sexual. My husband is dominant. I am not allowed out to socialise on any level.
I guess I am just over being controlled.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
"Orgasmless", that is.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
Ooops! Something I forgot. Do you think you can talk to your husband and let him understand how this is affecting you?
If you really can't make it work, perhaps you should really think about your own life and whether or not to divorce. I know you don't want to hurt your children, or lose your husband, but I'm afraid that a sexless life would be unbearable over time.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
It is easy to understand that no sexual pleasure would make you very unhappy in a relationship. However, it seems like you're rushing things a bit. Your post sounds like you just have no hope of ever having an orgasm with your husband again. It does seem like he's not willing to help in that regard. I wonder if he understands how important that is.
I think I perceive that you would wish to have sex with other guys and stay married. This option, that used to exist, does not exist anymore. Are you sure this isn't the real heart of the problem? Is it just the anorgasmia that bothers you? Does monogamy play a role in your insatisfaction?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I am in one and don't like it. I need to find what you are looking for myself but don't know how. I am bored of sex with my wife of thirty years
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