A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have heard of a few breakups from my friends. (They dated other people, and got dumped.). About 50% of those friends of mine said they trusted the dumper more, due to the dumper having been truthful about the breakup reasons, while the other 50% said they're NOT happy with the dumper, due to the fact that they lied to "Spare the dumpee's feelings".So, now, I'm asking, as a very specific question: Which case would you prefer, to have? Someone breaking off with you, being truthful about it? Or, someone just lying to you, about something you highly regard as important, and then, you find out the true reasons, and now, you feel your trust has been violated?Thanks, in advance.-Charlie. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Seems like a lot of dumpers lie to the one they're hurting. I would NEVER settle for being friends with the ex in question, UNLESS, they offer to find you a new date, without having to be asked. Seemed to me, my ex didn't want to see me happy, as she lied about everything.
Once she was CAUGHT lying, I ended all contact from her - I mean, I need someone honest, who doesn't SEE the logic of saying "I'm going to hurt him, and, I'm going to compound his pain by lying to him!" . I hope girls in the 20's age group are more mature, than THAT?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): In my opinion. If a dumper can't handle delivering the truth on why they're emotionally hurting the dumpee, how can they expect friendship, after all that betrayal of trust? If they seem to want to run a game on the dumpee, I think Karma will have to strike with something equally as painful.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I would want the truth.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I think in many cases there are no specific reasons for why a relationship has failed. Or there are many reasons, or the reasons are difficult to see until years pass by and you can look back and clearly see them.
When I broke up with my aggressive boyfriend it was very hard to say exactly WHY I did it. I was very unhappy in the relationship. But I didn't understand why I was so unhappy until some time went by and I could see the exact reasons. While in the middle of a break-up, reasons may be hard to see clearly because of all the feelings you experience in the process. I loved him, yet he yelled at me a lot and scared me. But he said he loved me, I was confused, and didn't understand why he treated me the way he did. At the time I didn't know what was right from wrong, but I know it made me unhappy. However it was hard to say "Im breaking it off because you are an aggressive controlling man who constantly puts me down". Because at the time, my thoughts were that whatever the cause for his anger, I just couldn't face him any longer. Maybe it was me, maybe it was him, I didn't know. I just knew I had enough of the situation. Now I look back and see that yeah, he was an aggressive and controlling man who constantly out me down, scared me, lied to me and used me. But I didn't see that so clearly back then.
Would I like people to tell me the truth? Well, if they are rational enough to know the truth of why they are breaking up, then sure. But most times a break-up is so filled with emotions that you can't know for sure if the person is lying to you about reasons to break up (some do just to hurt you), or if they are sincere. And then again, you don't know if they know themselves well enough to actually know the exact reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): It's irrelevant really because I cut all ex's out of my life. Who cares about violation of trust when you've just been dumped?
I don't know to be honest, happy or sad about the break up is irrelevant because I cut all contact with ex's. Trust doesn't come into the equation either. No contact, no hassle.
OP that 50% that said they didn't want their feelings spared probably wouldn't like the real reason either. I mean should I have told one of my ex's that she was so ugly that no matter how great her personality (the reason I started dating her) I just couldn't maintain an erection with her, that (I'm ashamed to say) I had to imagine someone else? Or was I right to just say I had long term ED, I'm sorry I didn't tell her sooner that I just thought that with her it would sort itself out because I'm very attracted to her? She was pissed that I didn't tell her at the start and pissed I wasn't willing to keep seeing her, but at least she didn't feel like she was so bad looking she couldn't even keep a randy young guys erection.
Do those people really want to hear that they're shit in bed, their dick is laughably small, their tits are so saggy they're a turn off, their back acne is too disgusting, they're incredibly unfunny, they're too fat, too bald, have an arse like two dead octopuses dried up on a beach, they're laugh is grating, they're so dumb you want to punch them in face, they're breath smells so bad it kissing is impossible?
Or would they rather be a bit pissed off that the person who dumped them used the "It's not you, it's me" line?
You see OP when someone thinks it's necessary to spare your feelings it's usually because the thing they are talking about is pretty damn serious and something after dating you they know you'd hate to hear. So you can't win in that situation and it's better to sound patronizing than tell a guy he has tiny dick or a girl that she is quite simply the most idiotic person you've ever met.
Honesty is not always the best policy, sometime it's better they think you're a douche than to give them a complex about themselves or confirm their worst security is actually something that has pushed someone away. Sometimes as the dumper it's better to take the blame and the hit rather than make the situation worse by making them feel like crap about themselves. It's easier for people to get over people they no longer like nor trust than it is to have their honest, lovely ex still floating around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): I think it depends on what type of person that dumpee is. I think for the ones who prefer the dumpers lie to them are the one who usually lack self-confidence, or truly believe in fairy-tales, in other words, they still want to believe they are still loved by the dumper, NOT because of SOMEONE better / more attractive / financially stable... etc, they want to believe it's just some other factors (ex. other plans in life... or personality) that have caused the breakup. Also, they hope there's still a chance in future that they will get back together because the dumper has "chosen" to lie to them in order to not hurt them at the moment. To some people, it hurts more to be told they have been cheated on than to have their other half telling them they met someone else. Because it feels lonely to be dumped... And for the ones who prefer honesty are the ones who are more logical in relationships. They value honesty and expect to have a trustable companion for life, someone who will not lie. They see it as a way of "being totally in love with someone". Lying totally violates their rules, and it also hurts them to know that their partner has lied to them WHEN they are in the relationship, and aren't willing to be open to them even at the last minute, refusing to let them know the truth.Personally I prefer honesty, although it differs from diff partners and diff stages in my life but at this stage, I prefer honesty. One guy actually managed to make me willing to be lied to , as long as he didn't tell me the truth, I thought that is "love"... well I understand that there must be a reason why someone still tries to hold to on a relationship, because it must give them something they need. It's the feeling of being needed that is attractive to some people. But to me, it hurts more to be in a loop and not being able to get out from a "limbo". It's just lying to yourself...Just my two cents...
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A
female
reader, lampshade69  +, writes (25 April 2012):
Personally I'd want to be told the truth no matter how painful, to be lied to would add insult to injury.
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