A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Would you end a relationship because your partner is untidy and unorganised ?. My boyfriend is lovely. He treats me very well, but one thing i don't like is that his house is a mess a lot of the time and unorganised. He doesnt have a bed. He has been sleeping on the sofa and he has only just bought a mattress, even though he has lived in this house for a while. There are dirty dishes and cups in the kitchen, straw and empty toilet rolls all over the floor in one of the rooms upstairs ( he has two pets, and lets them out of their cages in that room ) . He also smokes and drinks in one of the other rooms, so there are cigarettes and alcohol bottles lying around in there sometimes. The only furniture he has in the house is a tv and two sofas. He doesn't have any wardrobes, as he hardly has any clothes. He doesnt use the bath or shower ( he just washes himself by using the water in the sink, or he has a shower when he goes to a day centre that he sometimes goes to. He gets meals there sometimes too ) . I know that sometimes men do get like this when they live alone, but i wouldn't want him to live that way if we lived together!. How can i talk to him about this without hurting his feelings ?. I really want to help him. He is on disability benefits. He doesn't have much food in the house. He just goes to the shop when he needs something, instead of buying a lot of shopping at once like most people do. He ahs told me that he needs help with some things, but he doesn't do anything to get help. He said he would get a support worker to help him once, but he didn't.
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (2 February 2013):
This wouldn't bother me I am more interested in someone's emotional flaws.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 There's a difference between clutter and nasty, and I think this guy is nasty. Not all guys live like pigs when they're single. My brother actually inherited the extreme neat freak-ness from our mom, and when he was single, his apartment was extremely clean and orderly. He actually broke up with his first live-in girlfriend primarily because she was pretty slobbish and he couldn't handle it.
He has had to tolerate normal family clutter since getting married and taking care of kids, which makes ultra-clean a very uphill battle.
The shopping thing wouldn't bother me...there are people with different shopping habits. Some go three times a week for little stuff, and others go two weeks at a time and stock their homes like a fallout shelter!
You would have more than just a cleanliness issue on your hands with this guy. He would truly be like taking care of another child who would want you to do everything for him.
His pets and smoking and drinking cost quite a bit of money as well. I wonder what his spending habits are too, because you must look forward to the future here in deciding whether or not this guy is a dead end relationship. There is saving for the future, spending habits, planning for different goals, and so on.
Your eyes are starting to open. Your standards are starting to change. In high school and college, it's easy to pick a guy who merely looks good, or who's ideals are attractive, and romance is everything. When we start our lives however, we start seeing how toxicity in other people could have a devastating effect on the momentum our our lives, and how one toxic partner can suck the life out of us in the years that will define the rest of our life.
I'd break up with this guy....he's good to you for sure, but is he the one you could spend your life with if you get deathly ill, or have children, or want to run a business, or help with household stuff, or be your life's partner?
It's a tough choice, but it's one I'd suggest based on the info you've revealed so far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): It sounds like he is under a lot of financial hardship and probably has emotional problems too. I think his untidiness and lack of cleanliness is a symptom that he has deep emotional problems - when you're in a lot of emotional pain, or a deep depression, you cannot get yourself out of bed and the slightest tasks are literally impossible.
I don't think he is going to make a good relationship partner because it sounds like he can barely take care of himself, so he won't be an equal in a relationship unless his partner is at the same level as him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I'm annoyed with my boyfriend for another reason now. He said he would walk up to my house to meet me, and then we would go to his house. He didn't turn up, so i went round to his house ( he lives in the same town as me ). He was in. I know that because his key was in the door, but the door was locked, and the lights were on in the kitchen and living room. I have a key to his place, but i couldn't get the key in the door, as i had trouble knocking his key out of the keyhole. I knocked on the door a couple of times, shouted through the letter box, and even tried to call him, but he didn't answer. He hasn't contacted me at all since i got home either. I don't get it ,as he has been in a good mood with me all day, and he even said he was cooking a meal for us, and had bought some drinks for us. Sometimes his bipolar disorder is a lot too handle, and it streses em out. I have been crying a lot since i got back home. I'm not going to contact him at all, until he contacts me, but i'm thinking of ending the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I don't know OP this is a tough one. Part of me paints a picture of this guy as just utterly lazy, someone who found a bullshit way of getting on disability so he'd get on benefits and just being completely filthy too. Another side of me says that he may have a pretty severe mental disability and living this way is just part of that and not really going to go away, you know? The type of guy who need a woman willing to be a mother who will do anything and everything for him while he does nothing at all.
Now when single I'm a filthy slob, except for personal hygiene. That's non-negotiable because it's important for my health and confidence. Grooming isn't important to me when I am single, I love having a beard etc. I've also had some hilariously unkempt apartments, clothes everywhere, unwashed dishes etc. I have bad habits and become lazy when single. But it really is only when single. OP your guy sounds destitute. He literally sounds like a homeless person or hippy living in a squat.
I wouldn't judge a guy solely on his apartment or lifestyle, unless of course you've been with him ages and he still lives that way. I'd more see if this is just a temporary rut or if you can push him a bit to get his act sorted.
Is he happy having disability benefits, is he happy living on nothing and if not what is he doing to change that?
If he is happy living that way then would you be happy living that way if you become live in partners?
No one can tell you what to decide. I may be sloppy when single but I know when I'm not that I have to keep my life progressing, moving forward, earning a wage to provide a better standard of living for myself and also maintaining a clean environment in which to live for both of us. Maybe your guy is that way too.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Hi
What disability does he have?
He won't have alot of cash so a big shop is out, which is probably why he uses a shower elsewhere and eats at the Centre,to save money.
If his cash is going on fags,drink and pets then his problem is not untidiness but being in control of his money.
His home sums up his life. You could tidy up for him, just once,to show him how good it looks.The relationship is up to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 February 2013):
 If any/ and every girl friend who found that I was untidy had dumped me.... I swear, I'd need to find a new G/F every time I brought a new G/F to my house.....
Son-of-a-gun.... You know... I think that that HAS happened to me!!!! I'll lucky if I can find a G/F who prefers to ONLY go to her house..... (or a cheap hotel or motel!!!).....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2013):
 he bathes in the sink??
yes, sometimes having a little clutter around a house is okay. hell, my house has clutter. i've got some clothes on the floor and empty beer bottles on the kitchen counter i haven't cleaned up yet from last night. maybe i'm biased, but that doesn't seem like a big deal to me. but this man either is EXTREMELY lazy and slobbish, or whatever reason he's on disability is causing him to be unable to take care of himself properly. if he's just a slob, i would certainly be really put off by this man. if it's disability, i somewhat feel sorry for him. he does need help. because the way he's living is unfortunate.
you said some men get like this when they are single. true. some men may have a bachelor pad with clutter and stuff. but most men still at least bath themselves... weird.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (31 January 2013):
 I wouldn't end a relationship if the only problem was my partner being a little messy and unorganized. Your problems with your boyfriend far exceed untidy and I would definitely leave a boyfriend over it. He doesn't bathe, he's lazy, and he lives in filth. These are not things you can "help" him with, he is a grown man. He also hasn't really attempted to help himself, it seems more like he said he wants help to placate you and to make it seem as if he is unhappy living that way when truthfully he doesn't care. If he is on disability I would assume he is home more often than not and that time could be used doing something around the house. I also wonder if he just wants you to come in and take care of him by starting to clean and pick up his things. I wouldn't go down this path, you will end up more like his mother than a girlfriend. It may sound harsh but it shouldn't be your job to take care of this man. Lazy people like him won't change and you will have a long, dirty, frustrating life picking up after and taking care of him. If you decide to continue anyway, which I assume you will, then just ask 'nicely' why he wants to live his life like a raccoon in a dumpster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): I also want to add that he only gets heat from a heater that you plug in ( but not from the radiators) and he doesnt have a fridge or a washing machine.
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