A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im in my early thirties, I have to think about starting a family. I barely make any money and would prefer being a full time mom. I went out on one date with a nice guy that seems interested. He told me his job.... I think he makes very little money... I mean if we had had a kid but it would be VERY tight, and I would probably have to work. I do like the guy and I havent been on a decent date in a while.... but I'm wondering if I need to just be blunt, ask him his salary and then maybe nip it in the bud if it is too little money. Should I be honest? Is that mean and awful? What do you think?I just dont want to waste my time or get to the point where we are both too attached to each other. Thats why I ask if I should just be blunt and nip it in the bud.... Im looking to settle down. I know what I need.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): So basically you are looking for a sugar daddy to give you money for the rest of your life so you don't have to work a job.While I personally think this is an entitled attitude (not that you're the only woman by far who wants this, but I think it's sad that society condones this entitlement for women but not for men), and also foolish for an able-bodied adult to deliberately plan on making themselves financially dependent on another person (whoever you marry, what if he dies, becomes disabled and can't work anymore, or divorces you?), it's a free country so you do have the right to pursue what you want. therefore if you want to land a sugar daddy, then yes the ethical thing to do is to inform any man you're dating up front that how much money he has is a major criteria for continuing the relationship. There are many men who want to be sugar-daddies (for example it fits in with their world view that the man should be the provider and the woman should be the domestic helper, which would fit in with yours too). But there are also many men who do not take kindly to being treated as a sugar daddy, and feel similar to women who feel like their husbands/bf's are only using them for sex. Therefore you should make it clear from the beginning what type of relationship you are seeking, and not spring it on the guy later on.basically, I'm just saying, you should make this clear up front so whoever you're dating can decide if this is the kind of relationship he wants to get into or not.I've had male friends whose wives, upon marriage, quit working and revealed that they felt they no longer should have to. The husbands usually felt: (a) deceived (b) used (c) resentful from then on. But since they were married they were stuck and couldn't do anything about it. Not a good way to start a marriage. Better to be up front and make sure you're on the same page before it gets too far.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 June 2013):
As a side bar, I wonder what responses would be written here if instead of a women writing about a man making too little money, it was a man talking about "a nice girl who was a bit too ugly....."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): You are not an awfull person at all thinking about finances of your future family. It's weird a little that you start thinking about this guy only one date, but you are entitled to pick and choose. Also if this is what you want to be stay at home mom, you deffinitely need to look for someone who has a very good job and can afford it. I married in my teens, that's what we did a long ago, and we were very much in love. But I would never ever do it again marrying like this not knowing about money making abilities of my husband, who turned out to be a free lance artist, and stayed like this until now. The result of marrying a man like that was that after my child was born, andi couldn't work for many years, we were very poor. My husband thought he was doing everything possible with working miserable job for years. As soon as my child went to school full time, I started cleaning houses and babysitting. I also cooked and did catering. I worked very very hard, and my husband had not even a full time job afterwards, taking it very easy. We lead this life for many many years. My husband would rather not have all the pleasures of life thatn work a little harder. We didn't go out for years. We couldn't even afford a bottle of wine sometimes. Nothing would change if i didn't inherit some money, could buy a house, couple of cars and pay for my daughters college. My husband even with the money we had, kept on doing the same miserable job, and it took me years to convince him to go into business. And now he is the sameith business,making it very easy, and me standing over him constantly if I want something to be done. Be carefull who you marry. If I knew then what I know now, I would think very hard before marrying anyone at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): He may have a low paying job but a huge trust fund from his Grandfather. If you find that him not having a lot of money makes you lose your attraction for him, then yes, don't continue seeing him, but I suggest you don't use money as one of your deciding factors. People with very little can end up with a lot and very wealthy people can end up with nothing. But, if find yourself attracted to him, loving him, really liking him, feeling like he is your soul-mate or your true love, then that is worth more than any money can buy. And happiness will be yours.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 June 2013):
Dear OP,
I'm 30 now as well and I know the problem of wanting a family but being single.
BUT.. my dear, maybe your dreams won't come true the way you planned it. If your plan A - "being a stay home mum with a guy that you love and will support you" doesnt' work out, what will be your plan B? Because this is much to ask from a man these days.
Not every guy, even with a decent salary, will be comfortable with the thought of you just staying at home. Well, not every guy wants kids anyways. And if you find a man who wants to support you, can and will afford it, you might not love him that much, who knows.
I don't want to say you have to give up. Just maybe that if you only chase after a guy who's 100% perfect, emotionally, financially and lifestyle wise.. it may be difficult.
Maybe you can see if there are men out there who'd be a better fit, finance-wise. But don't forget that no man - and not even a baby - can provide you with happiness. You need to find happiness yourself.
PS: I am sure there are downsides of being financially dependent on a man, given the 50% divorce rate of marriages nowadays.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): Let's be realistic. Yes, you should be honest about what you look for in a man, even if it's "mean and awful". The real world is not a romantic movie. He needs to know what person he is dating, and he should look for a girl on his own level.
Speaking of level, you said you barely make any money, and you said you prefer to be a full time mom, which means you want a man to pay for you for the rest of your life. That's OK, but exactly why should men be interested in such a woman? That's a question you should ask yourself and find an answer for.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 Seems a bit calculated after only one date...I always thought it was a bad sign if you go on a date looking for husband material...in my book, it don't work that way.
The guy might get a better job or win the lottery...who knows, but if you ask him about money after only one date then he probably won't want to see you again.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (16 June 2013):
 I think it's a little bit unfair to write someone off just because he doesn't make loads of money when you yourself are not willing to work. I'm all for staying at home and raising children if you have the financial means to do so, why not, but there is also nothing wrong with returning to work after your maternity leave is over. It's the only option for a lot of people.
You have only been on one date with this guy, so hold your horses a bit. At this stage you should be thinking about whether you want a second date with him, not whether he is going to make enough money to single-handedly support you and your future kids. I understand that you're starting to feel the pressure of time, and it is good to be practical, but if you approach this with a view of only finding a father for your future children rather than a man that you can get to know, fall in love with and THEN have children with, you're going to have a tough time. Even if you know what you want, you do still need to take your time over it.
This may or may not be a suitable guy for you, but you can't possibly know either way after one date. In any case, it's not like you're going to get pregnant now and have the baby in 9 months. You need time to see if he's the right person. So many people rush into things and end up tied for life to someone they are really not compatible with.
By the time you potentially have kids, he could have had a promotion, or changed his career, or come into money. Financial situations can change and you shouldn't rule out someone potentially good and interested just because his salary isn't good enough for you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 June 2013):
 I think it would be nicer if you go on dates with other men and then forget about him (not call back). That's better than cutting him off right after you know how much he makes. There are websites that show you the average salary for any job in different provinces. It should give you a rough idea if not the exact amount.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): What you want to do is not fair to this guy. But nothing about the dating process is.
I don't mind people marrying for money. But I do mind them lying about their real reasons to their spouse, benefiting from his money for years, and then eventually having an affair and/or leaving him for "being an unavailable workaholic" or some other excuse that is basically the same reason he got rich and they married him.
So tell this nice guy why you are really leaving him. I think you owe him that.
Later, tell whoever you marry the truth about how big of a factor their money really is. If you want his money when it benefits you then be willing to put up with the downsides of those qualities once you no longer want the money quite so badly.
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