A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Mah boyfriend and i had been together for 5 months...we had had sex before but one night we were washing his car in his barn and there is a couch in his barn. Well sprayed him with the hose (juss being goofy) and then ran to couch. he followed too juss being silly as well...well then he kissed me, and i didnt think much of it, it was just a kiss...but then things changed, he started unbuttoning mah pants..but he was watching me the whole time...almost as if he was testing me...seeing how far i would let him go. i really really didnt want to do anything beacuse i just wanted to hang out and have fun, no sexual stuff. so i looked at him and said no...he stopped for like 2 seconds and tried again i said no again but he started saying all kinds of stuff like "Aw, comeon baby" "Please babe" as he was saying this he contined to get mah pants and panties down...low enough for him to "stick it in" (wow this is really awkward to type) as he was doing all of that i hadnt really said anything because i was juss too shocked for words to come out that he was continuing after i said no...so maybe you could say that i lead him on idk, but i freaked out...then he stuck it in!!!!! i looked up at him tears in mah eyes and i was like NO! this is the kicker he pushed it in further before he even gave any signs of pulling out, i shoved him off of me yelling "You ***hole!!! What the **** is your problem!!!!!" then i jumped off of the couch and ran to the other side of the barn, he ran after me and said he was sorry...ect. for the rest of the night i hardly spoke a word to him.on the way back to mah house we were sitting there quietly...thenn he looked over at me and was like "Baby...do you think i raped you?" staring out the window i juss simply said no.at that moment in time i didn tthink it was but then since then (this happened in August) ive talked to a few friends who say it was...so im juss wundering if it would be classified as Rape...what do you think?Oh and on a side note...the next night...he broke up with me. he said what he did the night before scared him and he was afraid that he was capable of worse. idk, im still in love with him to this day, and maybe thats why i had shut that memory out of mah mind untill here recently...i dont want to think badly of him...i love him...so what do you think? was it rape?thanks.
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male
reader, ron.89 +, writes (12 November 2009):
anyone who really loves you will stop when you say "no". a real man will stop when you say "no". you should think ill of him, because i'm sorry to say it, but this was an unwanted sexual advance that resulted in sexual contact--you need to take back the power that he stole.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I'm sorry to hear about this, whatever you call it I can tell that you feel violated and found this unacceptable, and that is the main issue.
Rape is a tricky one, "technically" you were engaged in sex against your will, which is called rape. But what does that mean? Not a lot. "Rape" tends to conjure images of perverts waiting in dark alleys etc. etc. but most rapes don't happen like that, just because your situation wasn't "extreme" doesn't mean you weren't raped.
From my experience, (I've been raped twice) taking the step to calling what happened to you "rape" is very important, it shows that you have accepted an interpretation of events which effectively sets you up as a victim- which can be very hard to take or accept. But from experience, this step can mark the beginning of a healing process. Calling such events "rape" is also crucial if you decide to take legal action. Shock is an amazing thing and can stop you seeing clearly for ages, so don't let the timescale bother you either, you're feeling this now, perhaps because you've only just become ready to.
It sounds to me as if you need to accept what happened to you in simple terms, whether you choose to use the word rape or not. Again, from my experience, taking that step was very hard but ultimately very rewarding. Now that I have accepted the word, I can now talk about being raped without reliving every detail (was it, wasn't it, did he/ they mean to? etc.), so I guess for me it's a useful category which represents my experiences, and which others can understand.
A final point I'd like to make, and it relates to something that keeps cropping up in the answers is that it really IS right to call what happened to you a rape, if it helps you to understand and deal with this. Rape simply means unconsented to sexual activity and takes many forms (police have even told me that "rape" doesn't necessarily have to involve penetration!). Men should never "go too far", "get carried away" etc. because it boils down to the same thing. A brutally violent gang rape is the same as a lover taking advantage when you've already said no: both violate your body and your wishes, and they bring an element of coercion into sex, and sex should never involve coercion or manipulation of any kind. Just because you didn't get a beating and you knew the guy doesn't detract from the simple facts that he stuck it in after you'd said no, and you're not happy about that.
Good luck to you, and I'm glad to hear this guy is out of your life.
PS my first rapist had a history of touching women up when they were incapable, at parties etc. Nobody talked about it until I made it public that he had raped me, because they were embarassed to. If I had known about all this I really don't think I would have trusted him, hung out with him or seen him as a neutral guy. Ifs and buts I know, but I would encourage you to be open about this event, ESPECIALLY since the guy even said to you he feared he was capable of worse. I know it's hard to take it on but you have to think about who in the future might need to know that this guy is not honourable.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 November 2009):
 rape call 911 and report itdo not take a shower. have the police gather evidence.He is going to victimize other women if you don't.He is a predator and you have to understand what he has done to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): I think this is what's called date rape. And it is rape. It may not be a violent assault (I take the point that the anonymous poster made), but it's still rape. I'm quite stupified by some of the things one of the posters said. We're not animals. We are human beings and unlike animals we have the ability to control our sexual urges. You said no. And as the anit-rape campaigners say, if "no" doesn't mean "no", then what word do we have that means "no"?
It makes me angry and sick when I hear about guys putting pressure on women (who they're supposed to care about) to get them to do things they are not comfortable with just because it's what THEY want.
I don't know what you should do about it. I know things can sometimes get ugly when women pursue things like this legally. But I think you should talk to someone you trust and get their perspective. If you decide to let it go that's your right, but if you're still upset about this don't bottle it up. Talk to someone. If you talk to a counsellor or a professional then you don't (I don't think) have to worry about them making a legal issue about it if that's not what you want. You don't even have to tell them who did it.
I wish you well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009):
This is an example of why I think the legal system needs some kind of charge of "forced involuntary sex." Something that is a viewed as definitely a crime, but it's more a crime of overstepping boundaries than a full blown violent rape.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 November 2009):
If you told him, "No" to begin with and he kept going, he "stuck it in" and you again said, "No" then yes, he raped you. He knows that he did wrong. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it may have been one of those scenarios where he thought that "no" meant "I'm playing hard to get" then he realized you were serious after you called him an asshole and wouldn't speak to him. So yes, he raped you, stay away from him.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 pps
but remember: you didn't feel like you were raped. you felt like he over stepped the mark, he said sorry, it wasn't a big deal. you were annoyed rather than hurt. this is very very important. how you felt determines what it was, really. just because some friends then say 'it was rape!' doesn't mean to say it was. from the way you seem to look at it, it wasn't. if someone really rapes you, you don't keep liking and loving them. you hate and fear them.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 November 2009):
ps
Having said that, it all hinges on how long he kept on going after it was clear you didn't want it. If it was a couple of times then he reluctantly pulled out, ok. If it was several minutes and you were all the time upset, not ok.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 November 2009):
No, I don't think it was rape at all. Well, I wouldn't consider it so. I think it was this:
You are both very young. He has a very strong sex drive. He doesn't quite know where the boundaries are yet. You were both horsing around in the barn. His thoughts turned to sex. You lay on the couch willingly - he thought maybe this was a sign that you too were also thinking about sex. He tried to initiate it by pulling your pants down - he was no doubt by this point not thinking very straight as he was so turned on. He was trying to persuade you (oh, come on babe, etc.) and you didn't say anything - which might have been a silent 'yes' (eg, if you were too shy to say it, but happy enough to let him do it). Then when it actually came to putting it in, yes, you made it clear you didn't want to, but he was so close that he couldn't stop himself just doing it once or twice (which is all it was by your description). He then (with what probably took huge effort) took it out and said sorry.
Poor guy. Personally I feel sorry for him. He was just carried away. He didn't do anything nasty - he didn't hurt you, he didn't keep on having sex until he was satisfied or anything at all like that. He dragged himself off you. Basically he thought he might have been getting the green light, and then when he realised he wasn't, it took him a few seconds to get himself together and get off you.
Don't make a big deal out of this. I don't believe it is a big deal, and I don't think it's fair to him. Poor guy is now walking around thinking 'hell, am I a rapist???'. He is obviously so upset about it that he has split up with you so he doesn't 'do it again'. If you really do love him, you should talk through what happened and forgive him. I only think maybe you aren't 100% compatible on the sex front. To be honest, if I were in the barn with my boyfriend, then I too would be up for it. That you weren't, and that you would rather cuddle and be close, etc, but without sex, will be pretty frustrating for him. It's also very very difficult for a young guy with a high sex drive to just shelve those feelings. He is, of course, going to have to learn to be patient, and that if his girl doesn't want it, hard luck, he's got to live with it. Having said that, some girls do also have a high sex drive, and with a person like that this sort of problem probably wouldn't come up, as she would be up for it as well.
It's a tricky one. But I think whatever happens between you too, it is very important that everyone stops bandying this word 'rape' around. It wasn't that. It was a mis-managed moment, as far as I can see, as a result of inexperience and high feeling. You aren't hurt or damaged in any way. It seems like he is more than you. Please sort this out with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): I've faced a similar situation and I still don't know what classifies it as rape, I think because we tend to think of rape as being assaulted by someone who you don't know (I'd been with my guy for five months as well when he did this to me). However, you did say no and that he should respect, so I do think he took advantage of you, which is wrong! So whether or not you label it as is rape, I think you should know he violated you, I know this sound cliche but no means no and the fact that he did it anyway shows he has issues with respecting women. In which case you don't want him anyway. I know this is someone you're in love with, but someone who loves you back doesn't treat you this way. So consider him breaking up with you as a favor, like he said he doesn't know whether or not he could do something worse to you, and you don't know that either. Although, it will take sometime to get over, you will get through this! There are plenty of other guys who will respect you, and never take advantage of you! Just realize you have your whole life ahead of you and being with someone like that will only hold you back in the long run.
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