A
female
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anonymous
writes:Dear All,I really need some help, because I really feel like giving up.I've been with my boyfriend, 'James' for 8 months now. He truly is the most wonderful guy I've ever met. I met him soon after coming out of a long-term relationship. James and I hit it off straight away, and I feel totally and completely in love with him. He was the first person that I had sex with, and I gave him everything that I have.About 3 months into our relationship, I found out that he'd been lying to me. When we first met, he told me that he used to fancy one of his friends, 'Joy', but nothing happened between them. But then he admitted to having kissed her, but he didn't tell me, because she had a boyfriend and didn't want him finding out. I am not allowed to tell this girl, who he is still friends with, that I know. I have some severe trust issues, from previous people. It took me until Christmas to get over this, and I told my man that I trusted him again, then he promptly suggested that we go out for a night with Joy and her friends. After telling him I was over it, I didn't really want to go back on my word, so I agreed.That was truly the worst night of my life, and brought me right back to square one. I think he still has feelings for her (he keeps all of her emails, and deletes all mine). He tells me how much that he cares, but I don't think I believe him anymore. He's the love of my life, and I don't want to give up on us, but I don't think my heart can take much more. Can someone please tell me how to deal with this issue that I have with her?
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female
reader, Elliekitten +, writes (18 January 2006):
 Hello again, i kind of get the feeling i was being a bit too quick to judge from my own bad past experiences here, maybe i was a little harsh as now i have re-read and re-read again your question and the extra added information i kind of feel that he hasnt really done anything wrong,so sorry about my advice before.
i still however feel that it might be a good idea for you to help yourself it may be you thats the problem and not him, maybe you should think about why you are so sad and in so much pain because i dont think it is him that is making you feel this way, i feel you may be a little depressed and maybe a visit to your doctor would be beneficial, he would assess whether he thinks you are depressed and need medication or a counceller maybe. there is some excellent help out there for depression and doctors are very understanding and helpfull,
maybe you should concentrate on loving yourself a bit more once people have discovered the wonderfull feeling of being happy in there own skin they are irresistable. your b/f maybe finding it very hard right now to cope with your negative behaviour so put some positive vibes into the relationship by getting some self esteem. I have lost many good men because ive been so negative and low about myself they just couldnt cope and i dont want this to happen to you.
all men fancy other girls in relationships, they are men after all, this doesnt mean he doesnt love you it just means he is human. your b/f is still there after all which says alot and tells me he loves you very much all you have to do now is love yourself. good look i hope this has helped abit.
ellie
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (18 January 2006):
 This is a really tricky one to call. You don't think he is doing this diliberately and I would be inclined to say go with your gut on that one. I am assuming that your b/f is aware of your past. Hopefully he will see from this how hard this is for you and help you out by reassuring you every step of the way.
This isn't really a question or 'right' and 'wrong'. Just make sure that you mointor things. If this is causing you more pain than you can bear then be prepared to reconsider your descision. Don't expect things to get better instantly because they most likely will not. Create a support network of friends you can rely on to help you through this and who will provide a shoulder to cry on.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this brave descision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, again.
I didn't really finish this story. I've had this talk with him on numerous occassions, but each time I tell myself that I'll get over the fact that he's still friends with her. But it is killing me, I cry nearly every day about it, and feel like dying sometimes. I snap at him, I subconsciously punish him, but I don't mean to, and I don't want to give up on this, so I'm going to stop. If he wants her, then by all means he can go and get her, but he keeps telling me that I am the only woman for him. I had a conversation with him last night, and he swore on everything that I was the only girl for him, and he never wants anything bad to happen between us. I think I am going to chose to trust him again, even though he still maintains contact with her.
This is honestly the hardest thing that I've ever struggled with, (and that's been a lot). I was taken advantage of sexually by an older man when I was 15, I was emotionally abused by my own father, and been messed around by 3 terrible boyfriends in the past. I can honestly say that I don't think he is doing this deliberately, but I need to overcome this for my own peace of mind.
I would like it if someone could tell me I'm doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Elliekitten +, writes (16 January 2006):
well you really are feeling this arnt you, i really feel for you its very tough love isnt it.
i could tell you hes an idiot and to leave him straight away to save you more pain but i very much doubt you would listen or even be able to listen as love stops you from hearing honest advice beieve me i have been there.
i am a firm believer of womans intuition and if you feel he has feelings for someone else then your quite possibly right dont keep pushing these negative thoughts to the back of your head as that will not help and they will not just dissapear.
you need to deal with this right away before it eats away at you.
when you come out of a long term relationship you are desperate to find someone to take the pain away and this will make you put the next decent man on a pedistal you will only see good in him because you dont want to loose him and face being alone. im afraid sometimes we need to be alone to grow and learn no matter how hard it may feel at the time everything really does happen for a reason.
the first thing to do is talk to your b/f and tell him how you feel, maybe suggest having a break from this relationship so you can have a serious think about if he is the man you thought he was or the man you want to be with,when you suggest a break you will know from his reaction how he feels about you and have a better idea of what path to take.
i hope i have helped you a little, good luck in whatever you decide to do.
ellie.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 January 2006):
He may be the love of your life but you have to weigh that against the pain this is causing you. I am wondering what happened on the night out. Did he ignore you? If he did then that is no way to treat his partner.
You can't blame yourself for this. I get the impression that is what you are starting to do and that is bad. If you don't want to end it striaght off then I think you need to talk to your b/f about how you are feeling because I can tell from how you write this is causing you allot of pain. See how he answers you and judge things from there.
Please do not continue to torture yourself which is what i feel you may be doing. You have done everything to make this work. Hope this works out for you. I really do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2006): The issue you have I'm afraid my dear, is really with your BF.
If he has already given you lots of reasons to not trust him, then why are you staying?
One possible solution is that you both need to make an effort to not hang with "joy". I highly doubt that he is going to agree to it though, as she is his "friend."
The other only resonable advice I can give you is that you do need to break from this guy! Its just making you feel bad in the long run. Besides, you want someone who is "solely" devoted to you, and you only!!
I know its difficult for you and you must be quite hurt again.
With 60,million people on the planet, there are so many others to choose from that are going to be deserving and "trustworthy" of your Love!
Good Luck hun! :)
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A
female
reader, headland +, writes (16 January 2006):
 If you feel this way just talk to you fella about it, it will really help. My friend was the same, she thought her boyfriend liked someone else and he said no the only person for him was her. I realli think you should tell him, it will make things better and make you get over it.
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A
female
reader, x Chrissy x +, writes (16 January 2006):
 Hey,
You need to sit down and have a serious talk with your man, tell him that you dont feel comforable with him being so close with this other girl mainly because he had feelings with her in the past and tell him that you are not sure that those feeling have completely faided away and if he is being honest about the whole situation. I think the reason you have trust issues is because he is not telling you the whole truth and you know it somehow.
You need to make sure that he is not taking you for a ride, he has kissed this girl and if they are still keeping close contact then it is clear that he has some feelings for her. Ask him you make a choice if he really wants you or 'Joy' and if he still goes back on his word of not showing you enough attention and taking to her a lot, then you have to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship where you dont trust your man and you dont feel secure in your relationship. It is your choice and you have to show him that you will not be anybody's second place.
Good Luck.
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