A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Would like to hear some advice about being with a widower How do you know if they're ready, and can they be very warm and flirty one day, and more withdrawn, though still very friendly, another time?I really like this guy, he's been widowed just over 1.5 years. Sometimes he flirts, other times no, but he always makes time for me and we do spend hours together, happily chatting away (though not as often as I'd like as we're not in the same city.) Behavior wise he's very sweet, old world manners, and he does remember many little things I say, and does little gestures (eg I asked him where I could get some type of tea, couple of weeks later when we met, he had brought me a box).I'll always remain friends with him, but I don't know if I should squash that little kernel of hope that we could be more.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 It may be a cultural thing that he is hesitant. I was a younger widow than you when I was widowed and my problem was not finding one nice man. My irritation was men approaching me who I was absolutely not interested in. I mean a married neighbor, NO thank you. I have given him no encouragement. I had only ever spoken to his wife and baby-sat their children. And older uncle of my other neighbor who was affronted that I refused his lovely (NOT) offer.
I did not even consider dating until two years after I was widowed. I had a disastrous date with a guy who a girl friend organised. His attitudes were light years away from mine. I found him racist and I ended the date after 30 minutes as I could not endure him. The fact that he arrived 30 minutes late did very little for him in my book anyway.
At first I chose to throw myself into community activities rather than date.
This widower may still be working through his emotions. Don't push him to make too many decisions just yet or you may scare him off.
From listening to him make sure he really has dealt with his grief at losing his wife.
And make sure he is not just looking for a carbon copy replacement for his late wife.
And I would say beware of a person too set in their ways. I would also avoid a heavy gambler, person with a serious police record, person with a serious drug problem or a person who has never been able to handle money and isn't interested in learning to cope with his/her finances. Because THEIR problems will become your problems if you choose to have them as your partner.
I am sure none of those apply but I thought I would add them in.
Ask him about his plans for the next ten years after he has been widowed more than two years. By that time he should have had time to start thinking about the future.
Ask a potential partner very gently (if you observe indications) about any health issues as these are likely to get worse in time and then his/her problems will become your problems in the future.
And if you do choose to become a couple iron out all the potential issues before you start living together.
Sometimes and older potential partner will make it quite clear that their own children from the first marriage are to benefit when they pass away. It is their right to say this. However it may not be really fair if you marry them at 40 and then continue to be their faithful partner for the next 80 years.
A re-think may be required and new Wills drawn up - even if they state "provided my potential new spouse and I remain married for a minimum of X number of years"
This will not discourage a person who loves the new partner and has his/her own financial life in good order but may discourage the man/woman who is after his/her assets and only intends to be married for a short time before they file for divorce.
As you are both adults you should both be able to honestly discuss all the issues most likely to cause hassles in the future.
I think it is a good idea to sell up both your homes abd buy a new one so there are no memories from the past keep surfacing. (eg, Her kitchen, her decor in the bedroom etc)
Take it slowly and be honest every step of the way. Iron out all the potential difficulties before you become a couple.
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