A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for reading. I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost three months now. When things are going good they're great. He's affectionate, we have a good time together, date nights, good conversation etc. But we've had our first disagreements as well of course. One being that when he says he's coming over it usually takes quite a few hours and sometimes he doesn't even make it over until right before he has to go to bed because he has work in the early morning. Which I understand he needs sleep, I just get offended when his reason for not making it over earlier is because he was out running around during his free time. I feel like a nag for mentioning it. Also, when we disagree about something, I won't see him for days because we briefly discuss it over text and he won't come over if I'm upset at him. Which I get I guess, just seems like he's better things to do rather than focus on the disagreement. So last night after a funeral I had some friends come over to drink a few beers. He was here as well, his first time meeting these particular friends, and I allowed one of the guys to crash on the couch for the night. But then when my and my boyfriend woke up my boyfriend left to go do his day by himself and left me here with this other guy all day, stood me up this evening and was short with me on text and I'm really just feeling like he doesn't much care about me despite what he says when we're together. I brought up to him last night that we've been together a few months and still aren't telling each other we love each other and so h told me he did but was obviously uncomfortable saying it. Would it be wrong if I just dumped the guy assuming it's not growing properly? I made a post earlier about trying to set boundaries within my relationships after my last boyfriend tried to strangle me to death. My new boyfriend and I had a conversation about the things we feel needed to be said and he said he thinks I'm insecure when I'm really not, I just don't want a relationship with no value to it and where my needs aren't cared about. I'm thinking about breaking up with him, but if I do I would make it no contact, no arguing, no anything because that's the way I am when I'm done. Would that be an ideal way to handle this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): [EDIT]:
"His level of respect doesn't even register on the scale!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): You want too much too fast. Wait a little longer before you exchange the words "I love you!" Not only with this guy; but in any new relationship.
You both take small spats too seriously. If you have a new boyfriend; its a little unsettling to have another guy crash on your couch. That's what Uber cars and Lyft are for. Call a cab, but leave!
It's okay, once he's more acquainted with your friends and your trust is better established. It's not really that big of a deal. His pouting and being stink about it was quite immature. All he had to say was it made him uncomfortable. How hard is that? Besides, it's your place and your friends. You can do whatever you please!
As I said, three months in is a little early for exchanging "I love you's!" His actions speak much louder in this area.
You need to get your emotional-bearings and learn to settle small disagreements. He had no right to call you insecure, even if you are. The relationships is very new and you're still tweaking and adjusting; so you will be a little unsure of things. He has failed the reliability test; so he has a lot of nerve! His level or respect doesn't even register on the scale!
If I could see more evidence of maturity, I'd say a breakup is premature. You barely know each other; so you overreact to the slightest things, because you're both gun-shy from your previous relationships. You're paranoid and nervously anticipating trouble at the slightest mishap. Possibly still a little shaken from post-traumatic stress after your assault. That's understandable.
Don't make a relationship all about YOUR needs. It goes both ways. In reviewing your post a second-time, I note some immaturity on both sides. His side more-so. The behavior is much like two teenagers feeling their way around in their first real relationship. You're both over 25 and should approach matters with more tact and understanding.
He felt uncomfortable about the guy on the couch. So why didn't he offer him a ride; or call a cab to get him home safely? You don't let someone drive drunk! Certainly not a bereaving friend! You just came from a funeral!!!
Now about leaving you waiting for him to show-up. Not just once, it's the usual routine.
Nope, that doesn't fly! Tell me what time to expect you, and show! Not when you get around to it! I'm not the last thing on your list of things to do, bucko! Arriving just in time to go to bed? Well, turnaround and go home sucker!
If I had to give this new relationship a prognosis or offer you a forecast; I'd say there will be many cloudy days ahead. I think his meandering his way along and finally showing up at your place at the last-minute is tacky and disrespectful. He may not be in it for the long-haul. He probably hooks-up earlier with his friends along the way. Makes his obligatory-appearance; just in-time to crash at your place. Maybe some sex before lights-out.
I'll say this, if you don't want to get too attached; maybe you should let him know it's not working-out.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (16 March 2018):
 If this is how you feel during the 'honeymoon period' I'd say you're wasting your time.
I do however think it's way too soon to be 'in love'. 3 months is nothing, you barely know each other so how can you be in love? You're debating breaking up with the guy so there's absolutely no way that you're in love with this person.
It doesn't sound like you're a good match and that's all there is to it. The way you mentioned ending it sounds a good way to go about things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2018):
 I think it's detrimental to set "deadlines" so soon in the relationship. You DO NOT know him (and vice verse) after 3 months. You have already had arguments (plural) and he refuses to talk about things that you two don't agree on.
So for now the relationship is somewhat (pardon my English) of a HOT MESS.
Why would he call you insecure? I see nothing here mentioned about what prompted that.
But I DO think you can tell if this seems to be going in a direction you LIKE or do NOT like.
Him standing you up, to me is a no-no. If he can't make it, then the guy BETTER call and let me know.
Showing up at your place just to go to bed... what's the point? Unless there is sex involved, and then it's more like a booty-call than anything else.
Him refusing to talk about disagreements is useless. Because if a couple CAN NOT solve problems together, find compromises and WORK little things out... then what's going to happen when BIGGER issues arise?
Now I get that he doesn't want to hang out with you if you are mad at him, personally... I wouldn't either. And I wouldn't want to spend my time HAVING to deal with disagreements over and over. I'm not NATO, nor a peacekeeper. Disagreements need to be figured out and then we move on. He sticks his head in the sand and stays away and you get alloyed... Both of you seem to lack the ability to REALLY communicate.
OP, people show LOVE in different ways. Saying it is easy, it's JUST words. Saying I love you, doesn't make it so. SHOWING you love/care for someone does. And if you feel his actions doesn't show that... then he isn't for you.
It is OK for you to say, I just don't see this going anywhere but I DO think you OWE (mostly yourself) the dignity to CALL him and tell him over the phone (not text) and NOT by ghosting. Ghosting is cowardly and he has shown no reason for you to be disrespectful and ghost him.
So, IF I were you, I'd call him and say:" Hey, Albert, I think you are a nice person and we have had some nice times but I just can't see this working out. I think we are just two very different people. I wish you well."
And then you BLOCK his number.
If he has ANY OF his stuff at yours - send him a text and let him know that he can pick it up. You can tell him what day works and leave it outside your door. You don't HAVE to talk to him or see him for that.
This is what dating is for! To find a potential mate/partner whom you can see yourself with long term. And if you can't, then let him go. You might go on ONE date with a guy and just NOT feel it or 5.
A partner is supposed to ADD to your life in a positive manner. Doesn't mean it's going to be a rod of roses every day either. there will be ups and down. Just 3 months in for them to happen is (IMHO) WAYYYY too soon.
If you know what you want, STICK to your standards. And if this guy doesn't MEET your standards then move on.
But I DO think exiting a relationship (unless is it a violent or abusive one) in a respectful manner is the way to go. You do NOT have to give him ANY in depth explanation other than you don't feel you are a fit.
"Do unto others"... is a GOOD golden rule to have in life.
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