A
female
age
36-40,
*lifton
writes:The other day I got into a fight with my gf of 2 and a half years. She had been acting distant for a day or so and I finally asked what was up. I called her and asked if something was wrong. She began telling me she just didn't think she wanted a relationship anymore and had begun having a 'wandering mind.' She went on to say she never loved me and that she had been in love with her exes from the past but she had never fallen in love with me. And she said she wanted to be single and be alone for a while. I'm absolutely devastated. I can't believe she told me she never loved me. It's the single harshest and most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me before when I trusted them. I know time will heal all wounds but I don't even know how to get over this pain I feel. How could I have been so stupid to not notice she didn't love me? And how could she spend so long with me and never love me? Any kind words or bits of advice? I feel like I'm suffocating.
View related questions:
her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (16 March 2018):
She has done you a favor. I’ve known a few people who had this happen to them after they were married and had scrambled their DNA. a coworker of mine had it happen a few weeks before her wedding. I know that’s not much comfort but it could have been worse.
Grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you had it will take time but you will survive. But as much distance between the two of you as possible you can’t heal if you’re trying to remain friends. It will take time but you will recover.
Remember their is no one person for everyone. There are plenty of .75s out there who we round up to the one and in time you will find her.
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): It is not your fault.
Pls remember this. Yes time will heal your feelings, and that was a very nasty thing to say to you on your ex-girlfriend's part. If it is true, I assume she told you otherwise during your relationship, so there is no reason that you would know any different. Anyone would trust that their girlfriend was telling them the truth when she said she loved them. Do not beat yourself up about not being able to "tell" her inner feelings.
Again, it is not your fault. You cannot make someone love you; they have to choose to develop those feelings where there is an attraction. If she did not do this and stayed with you for 2 1/2 years, that is her character flaw to correct.
So sorry that you are hurting. You will recover, and lots of people care about you. Seek them out. You are deserving of kindness and love and respect.
Best of luck,
R
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): Sorry for your painful loss, my friend. These things happen. Being caught off-guard by the news will definitely place you in a state of shock and confusion.
She may have been contemplating a breakup for some time; and my speculation is she has plotted and rehearsed how she would go about doing it. She may have picked a fight and allowed it to escalate; so she could gain enough courage to go through with it. Then to make sure you could move-on; she added some hurtful remarks to give you somewhat of a push! She wanted to cut you loose without a lot of lingering post-breakup drama. If you think she never loved you, there is no reason to look back.
Review your memory in retrospect, and recall the hurtful words you've used. Women never forget!
You are going to hurt whether she loved you or not. She just broke-up with you! Would knowing she loved you make you feel any better; when a breakup means she doesn't love you enough to stay? At this point, I guess it doesn't matter. She wants out, and her mind has been wandering. That means she's ready to see other men.
Time to detach your feelings! You don't have a choice.
You'll have to take her word for it, and move on. Trust me, the pain of being rejected hurts anyway. If she loved you, or loved you not! Your ego is bruised, and that's half the reason for your pain. It makes the poison more effective.
When the heart is broken, and the emotions are in turmoil, nothing makes sense. If she did love you, the question would remain...why did she stop? The expiration-date is here!
Anger may have gotten the better of her, or it was faked to dump you quickly. You can't totally dismiss an accumulation of relationship-issues which brought everything to a head. She probably got so angry she wanted to hurt you deeply. When things reach that point, it is better to let her go.
She lost as much time not loving you as you lost loving her. So the sacrifice is equal. It doesn't make you feel any better; but the end-result is that she confessed, so you can have your freedom.
Make sure that you completely cut-off all contact.
Do not accept call-attempts and messages. Temporarily shutdown all your social media accounts. Block and delete messages. Booty-calls are unacceptable. That's only an attempt to manipulate. The euphoria from hormones subside; and it's back to square-one.
You have to disable your social media accounts; because you will track and stalk her activities. You'll become addicted to it. It will tempt you to do foolish things like drunk-texting, insulting her; or harassing her with threatening or hurtful messages. You'll see things you don't want to see.
Spite and vindictiveness is a shameful display of weak character and immaturity. I truly hope you are above this behavior. Not to mention any threatening actions could get you arrested. That could jeopardize your employment. I'm covering all the bases here; because she just dropped a bomb on you. Typical male-behavior is to lash-out and/or resort to angry reprisal. Never a good move!
Do not allow for head-games; because they are coming! So take preemptive-steps to guard your feelings.
Arguments and tit-for-tat are stupid, counterproductive, and manipulative. The minute you feel relief, a call or message will set you back. Someone who never loved you deserves no opportunity to take such words back, nor to rub them in! That's the bitter medicine you must take to get-over her.
NO!!! You don't want to be friends! That would only leave an opening for unexpected drama or ambushes.
If she recanted, how could you trust her anymore? Once words hit the air, enter the ears, and are processed through the brain; it's too late. The words were either meant to stun and immobilize you; or to make you let go without hesitation. Let go!
Focus on yourself now. Catch up on old-friends you've neglected, reconnect with your family; and avoid rebound relationships, or man-whoring. Stay-away from mutual- friends and avoid her "sympathetic" girlfriends. That's an opening for drama, and flirting with the devil! You don't want follow-ups on what's she's up to. They will be exaggerated to add sting to the poison.
Don't let your buddies talk you into getting buck-wild, drunk, and stupid. Don't waste your cash at strip clubs! Do your grieving at home! Avoid intoxication or drugs! You will do and say things you'll regret. Try not to sulk or sink into self-pity, to avoid depression. That would adversely-effect your work-performance, and sudden unemployment can cause discord in your finances. It's not worth that. Don't end-up trading places with the chick on the pole!
If you're over 30, you've had your heart broken before. You survived, and you'll survive this too. The upside is this, once you give yourself time to heal, you will be free and available to find someone better.
Forgive her. Free your soul and your heart to move forward. This will all fade into the past, and you will heal. Don't let this fill you with bitterness, insecurity, or negativity. She's only one woman. This is only the end of one chapter in your life. You have much more life ahead of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): Sorry to hear about your pain.
Read a book called BOUNDARIES IN DATING.
An example like you just described is in there. It means she wasn't upfront with you and blindsided you.
I'm still busy with the book myself and will see what the advise is going forward...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2018):
 Well, there are 3 possibilities here.
1. she wanted a "clean" break so HURTING you was her (non-logical) way of pushing you away in one fast swoop.
2. She didn't LOVE you and should never have strung you along for 2 1/2 years. So she is a coward who used used.
3. She has fallen out of love with you. And has been comparing the feelings she has had for you with those of her exes and came up with a "maybe I don't love her" as an excuse to end things.
Doesn't matter which option is correct, THIS is on her. If she didn't love you, she being unfair to keep dating you for that long. Secondly, YOU can't MAKE people love you or not. Again, ON her. It's not like there is something "wrong" with you - she felt there was something missing in the relationship (or in her).
I know rejection hurts. I can only IMAGINE how hurtful it must be to hear someone you have been with that long say those things. Again, this isn't about YOU being "stupid" for not knowing or not "good" enough to deserve love.
Make the presumption that she was WITH you because she CARED for you maybe even loved you, makes sense. So you can stop beating yourself up for NOT knowing how she felt. YOU are... (in case you don't know) NOT a mind-reader! (right?)
WISH her well, and then CUT all contact. Do NOT let her worm her way back in case she doesn't find what it is she "thinks" she is looking for. Be done with this woman.
If break ups were not painful then what came before (the relationship) wouldn't have been worth much. So accept that you are hurting. It's OK. You got "punched" in the face emotionally TWICE in a VERY short time - first by her declaring she never loved you, and then when she ended it. But you DO know deep down that IF she didn't love you the relationship wasn't going to work long term because YOU deserve to be LOVED fully and completely - not your fault she wasn't capable of being honest sooner or loving you as you deserve.
Don't settle for half-ass. She is half-ass.
I think it was a tactless and cruel way to end a relationship -but again - THAT is on her! It doesn't REFLECT on you. All you did was recognize that things seemed off. SHE is the one who CHOSE to stab you and then leave. When she COULD have left with some compassion for the partner she had been with for 2 1/2 years!
Keep your head up. Spend time with people who are supportive and loving. CUT her off completely. No second chances for that one. You deserve more and better than that!
...............................
|
