A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice.... Firstly what I'm about to admit is horrible - I'm not here for sympathy or understanding and I know I'm completely 100% in the wrong and nobody could be more disgusted with me than I am.I married my long term boyfriend of 6 years ,2 years ago.... Deep down I didn't really love him- he's a lovely guy but I was with him for financial security. I have a job too- 45 hours a week but it's poorly paid so it's not as though I completely rely on him for everything.He has provided me with a beautiful home, designer gear and luxurious holidays and a lovely sports car-things I could never have without him. I should be happy right? Wrong! I have come to realise what a stupid, selfish cow I've been as I have fallen in love with someone else...This guy is an acquaintance which I have known for about a year, he's single let's say- I see him every other week (not romantically but for business purposes). I feel he is my soul mate- there's a spark I've never felt with anyone else and we have so much in common. My husband and I don't have a lot in common. This guy is so easy to talk to- my husband doesn't really like talking about anything -he's usually preoccupied with his computer or work...This guy- my acquaintance doesn't earn a lot of money, he rents a 1 bed flat and drives a very old car and I would trade my current life to be with him and be poorer - this is why I'm so sure I'm in love with him.... He doesn't have anything financially to provide me with but I don't care!!! Obviously he doesn't know I'm in love with him but I know he has feeling for me from conversations we've had.I will not do anything with him until I have left my husband. Would it be crazy if me to leave my current life and be with this man? Or am I living in a fantasy world?Obviously I wouldn't take anything -money wise from my husband if we did split....
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 Hon,
You are comparing your husband, who you know well with a man who you only meet up with for business. You might 'connect' with him at work but I am sure he is a totally different person at home.
This part worries me: "but I know he has feeling for me from conversations we've had" It sounds like you are in a EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with this guy. You are only seeing the wonderfulness of this side of things, and the dullness of your marriage.
Speak to your husband, get both of you into marriage counselling, there is a lot at stake here, more than just your infatuation with a co-worker.
A
female
reader, Sue42  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 You must have loved your husband in "some" way if you dated him for 6 years and married him. Thats a RELATIONSHIP. Just because your past the honeymoon stage and things may seem monotonous does not mean your relationship is over. Just because single, sociable, seductive Stan who comes along and intrigues your senses does NOT mean you selfishly please your flesh and jump ship to some new stuff. THAT'S what's wrong with society today - people always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You'll eventually get bored with that and want to move on to some new stuff again. Be a decent woman and stick with your original guy. There are too many morally weak people in this world with no sensitivity to the feelings of others. You made a commitment - STICK WITH IT. If you are Christian, you should know that God hates divorce. The only exception is if one committed sexual infidelity; and I'm sure there will be consequences for that one. Don't let it be you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): I think I depends on the type of person you are. I've been where you are and I HAD to leave. I realised that I loved my fiancé but was not in love with him when I met this other man. And when I fall in love, nothing else matters. I move mountains to be with the person who gives me those feelings. But others, well they can be more business like about it. I could not have stayed, knowing that this man out there, was the one for me (at the time). My like was cushy and lovely, my fiancé, a great man. I didn't work, nice house etc. I threw it all in to live with a man on benefits in a one bedroom flat. I had to retrain to go back to work and after five years it didn't work out with him. But, do you know what? I'd do the same thing again, because I crave adventure, excitement, independence and opportunities. I realise that staying with my fiancé would not have been fair on him either, because my feelings for him were not what they should have been. I went to a counsellor because I really didn't know what to do at first, but when she said 'You just want to be free' I could have kissed her. It was like I'd been given permission to go. And life is more exciting to me this way. One love for ever, ...not very exciting....to me. But we are all different. If you're looking for permission, like I was, then take it! And go and fly! Live....don't exist.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): I think you are already doing your husband wrong by staying with him for financial security and letting him believe you are in love with him. Tell him the truth and he might just make your decision for you.
This is his life too. He is being tricked into spending it with someone who is using him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2016):
 "I know I'm completely 100% in the wrong..."
Soooo, don't make things any worse than they already are.
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (27 February 2016):
 You are living in fantasy land because all you have with the "poor guy" is your infatuation with him, and a broad fantasy about future as to how your easy conversation with him could transfer into nice romance for you. Nor do you have his commitment but just an unproven hunch that he may be infatuated about you as much as you are. You leaving your husband cold turkey for this guy right now is a suicide: you will end up being dumped by both men.
I think that what you see in him is what you wish your husband should be like but somehow you believe that he can't change. Your case is a variation on the cheaters fork: people get at at a fork on the road where instead of running to their spouse to fix things, they go cheating to wreck everything.
I'd suggest that you should give it a go at some marriage therapy to try to change things first, and after that due process, you can decide whether you wish to stay married or not. If you decide to divorce, then after you are free to pursue commitment of other men.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): yes, you are about as unrealistic as a person can be.For whatever reason it is you and your husband have a relationship that kind of works.You both satisfy a mutual need regarding money.He likes to provide and you like to be provided for.He is happy to give you a lifestyle and you are happy to receive it.Presumably the sex isnt tortutourous either.But now you have decided to throw it all away.You have a secret desire to end up on the streets begging.You dont even know this other guy but you have romantisised his poverty and his ordinary lifestyle.You want to be one of the common people again..or worse.He is probably brushing shoulders with wealthy old you in the hope he looks good by association but i doubt he wants you at all.Two steps later you"ll be on the streets begging.Let us know how it goes and as for thinking your about to do the wrong thing, let me tell you what mamma or pops shoulda told you long ago...If its wrong and you know it ,then dont do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): Woah, all the answers here are to just try yourself to stay on an unhappy marriage, which would lead to once again to situations like this. Like I understand, a LOT of our parents and grandparents and so, stayed together not for love but for stability and/or for family. Honestly, I've seen it at first hand what happend when you do that but you wish you had romance. It isn't happy. You somehow learn to live with it as an "annoying partner" or "pleasant roommate/family" who's always there but never 'there' as in, romantically. These two are never the same. Never. You end up regretting you stayed with that person, and always wishing for "that-one-person".I don't give a ^^^t if counselors or whatever tells me love doesn't last forever. OF COURSE IT WON'T if the ppl involved don't strive to stay together. OF COURSE IT WON'T IF both parties don't felt the same for each other since the beginning before marriage. OF COURSE IT WON'T if both parties don't realize that you have to keep the flame of love eveyday. EVERY DAY. It doesn't even have to be something extraordinary everyday. Just a "I love you" with a simple gesture would be nice. So. Damn. Nice.You have to remember that YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. As in, you are literally WASTING YOUR LIFE. You are between 30-35. For me, that's STIL pretty young (I'm 25). You STILL HAVE TIME. What are you going to do? Wait until your partner somehow dies and then you'll be "free" to do what you wanted at the age of what, 70, 80? How long are you determinated to WAIT for something to happen without doing ANYTHING for it to happen? Then you'll start wishing your partner better dies sooner than later. Do you really want to end up thinking like this?To your question, divorce. DIVORCE. DI-VOR-CE. But that doesn't mean you HAVE TO go straigtht to this new guy. It's probably that you feel this way of your "one-true-love" because you haven't been in love in a long time. You are feeling the spark that happenS at the beginning of a new relationship. But you know what? I think you should go for it. If it ends up well, good for you! If it doesn't, at least you have now a valuable experience to will help you choose a new and better relationship.Also, AND PLEASE, do realize that if you keep with this realtionship, things would be hard. You won't have that financially stability you had, and you would have to endure it TOGETHER. I'm saying this because not having money can really affect the relationship but COMMUNICATION and LOVE are the key here. It will be completely normal if you end up wishing for your previous relationship, but you will have to remember the reason why it would be a "previous" one. I wouldn't want you to completely back out when you encounter that not having money is not easy at all. I wouldn't want you to back out at the first trouble of money affecting your life and thinking "this was nothing like my previous relationship". A relationship means hardwork, from both parties, for all troubles. IF THAT'S THE CASE, I would suggest you to stay single for a while, because that means you are not ready for a relationship. Focus on yourself, relax and do activities for you and your friends. Go out, have fun, have even just sexual meetings with someone you just met, have sex just for sex and nothing more (if that's how you roll).And one last thing, DON'T you ever do that again. DO NOT play with the feelings of the person. Do you know how it is to know that the only reason someone you really cared about was only with you for the money? How ^^^^^d up is that? Seriously, DO NOT DO that even again. If you are not going to divorce him for the new guy, do it our of respect for your partner. If my partner were doing this just for the money I have I would like to know it YESTERDAY, NOW. I don't want to WASTE MORE TIME OF MY LIFE with someone who doesn't deserve it. Time of my life I could have used to meet someone who REALLY DID LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM. SO JUST, DON'T WASTE HIS TIME AND DON'T DO THIS AGAIN.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2016):
 No it wouldn't be crazy to leave your husband, but at this point, it certainly wouldn't be wise.
1) You are dreaming about a fantasy right now. You are business associates so you don't know if the feelings that you have for this guy will be reciprocated. I am not sure why you get the feeling you are soulmates other than you are attracted to him. That does not mean you are soul mates. Also, there is one thing about knowing someone on the surface, which is what you know now, versus really knowing someone. In short, I don't believe you truly know this person based upon what you say in your post.
2) Can you live with yourself if you were to leave? Presuming the feeling is mutual with your business associate and you left your husband, would you feel remorse or guilt? What do you think this would say about you and your character? In short, can you handle the fallout, emotionally, socially, and financially?
3) You stated that you married your current husband, primarily because of his wealth. So you break it up with him, maybe you get some alimony or some of his wealth and you wind up with the new guy. Do you think you'd be happy on your new income level? Living on love sounds romantic and is great for story books and songs, but rarely does it measure up in real life. In short, being poor sucks -- especially after having it good.
In short, though, no one can answer your question for you on whether you should do it or not. We all have to make choices in life -- and live with the consequences.
However, I do have to say that it does sound like you are living a lie. And that is sort of a shame. To trap oneself into an unhappy relationship ultimately will cause us to do things that satisfy what we are missing. In your case, that is seeking attention that you shouldn't be seeking. I have a feeling if this doesn't pan out, another scenario will arise because you haven't accepted your choice: financial security over emotional attachment. We all make sacrifices when we get married and sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side.
You may find it useful to talk to a professional to help you sort out what you want in life. Having someone help you sort out your feelings can really change one's life and put it on track so you can find happiness -- wherever that may be.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2016):
 My mom had an emotional affair with a married man oceans away. Same problems such as having nothing to talk about at home and feeling the outside one is the soulmate. The difference though, is that this other guy had money and he was ready to take care of her if she flew to him. Who knows if that's the truth. My mom went to three different marriage counsellors because she was torn. She would feel too much guilt to leave after all the financial support my dad gave. He had spent thousands and thousands to extend her late dad's life. She had been married since 1974. Their marriage has no passion. They've both had emotional betrayals. All three counselors told her to get a divorce. She then asked a question that's a life changing one. "Do you believe true love lasts forever?" All three answered no. After that my mom decided to stay in the marriage. So the point is why leave a safety net when after several years everything eventually turns into boredom and routine. When I talk to her these days she's still her happy, giggly self when before she had thought that she would be sacrificing her happiness. She's since moved on and realized that she was just withdrawing from the dopamine, the excitement that an external affair could provide her. My dad had stepped up romancing her but maybe now he's getting comfortable again. I think my mom doesn't care too much about passion anymore, after she made a firm decision to stay. She had thought she was staying for honor, but now she cherishes the idea of "till death do us part."
You are not crazy for seeking a soulful connection. It's just that if I were you I would train myself to be happy with what I have.
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