A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For starters, I am aware that I need to move on and stop obsessing over my ex, but there are some things that still confound me to this day. I wonder if she ever really loved me or if she loved how I made her feel instead. Understand what I'm getting at?I saw her recently and we struck up a conversation. She was adamant about the fact that I need to move on (true). When I probed her if she was seeing someone else she said yes. Now, instead of saying that she really liked the person, the only thing that came out of her mouth was that this person was crazy for her! It was really odd.She always kept me guessing throughout the relationship (many years), and I always felt that it wasn't a two way street. Is it possible that she never really loved me but just loved how I altered her mood? Was it all a big lie? There always was this distant cold side to her, but she also had a very affectionate sweet side. I know it's time to move on but I don't want to end up in another relationship in which I'm just a "supply" or positively charged battery that she drained and then discarded. Moving on is so hard....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks WiseOwlE! Your kind words mean alot to me, and the same goes to everyone else who was kind enough to impart their two cents on my intransigent mindset. I know what I need to do but I'm too hung up on the physical connection and chemistry we once shared.
It doesn't make any sense because my peers all perceive me as the charmer and semi player - I meet new girls all the time and have no issues striking up conversations with total strangers, but I am very picky when it comes to selecting a significant other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): Rejection from someone we care about is a hard pill to swallow.
Couple of years back, I got blindsided and dumped by a guy. We were having a wonderful time together. So I thought.
For whatever reason, he just ended it and told me I could do better. I wasn't prepared; so I know exactly how you feel my friend. I didn't look back. I was tempted to call, I hoped he'd call. I'd see cars that looked exactly like his. I've even seen guys I thought for sure was him.
I wanted to let go. I was tired of him holding my feelings hostage. I resisted all my temptations and impulses; because I just wanted to move on.
Oh my gosh! It was so very hard to do!
So, my dearest OP, I do know exactly what you're going through.
I wrote to DC. Not for advice, just to share my experiences with others. So many nice people embraced me and shared their feelings. I have experience and wisdom to pass on. So now I respond to people like you; because I know exactly how you feel. I also know what it took for me to move on. When I did, I met the most wonderful man.
Allow yourself freedom. Shed those oily feathers weighing you down. Delete her number and shove all reminders of her into a dark corner in a closet. Stay away from places you know she frequents. Find some new friends who can distract you. Her memory will fade, you'll ease your mind, and you'll get over her. You've been holding on to false-hope.
All that does is make you suffer. She enjoys knowing you're suffering for her. That makes it narcissistic supply. Feeding off your energy inflates her ego.
Fight for your freedom and peace of mind. You'll find love again. Not until you get over her!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 We can live our lives being hopeless romantics and allowing our heads to be in the clouds, but that will not bring her back. You just need to accept that it is over, and move on to someone who will show you love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aunthonesty - You're right. there's just something in my psyche that's refusing to accept the breakup, and it almost feels like and out of body experience. Weird.
Denial runs deep, and as the song goes....... "love does what it does, and ours is doing nothing. But all the time we spent must be good for something. Please forgive all the disturbance I'm creating. But you've got a lot to learn if you think that I'm not waiting for you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 February 2016):
I understand that seven years is a long time with someone, yes it will take time to get over that person, but looking at your age, you lived a lot longer without her, and you can do the same again once you accept that you need to delete her from your life. It is clear to me at the moment that you are not ready to accept that, and you use different methods to ensure there is some contact between you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE - you are correct. It's me who is creating all the drama for myself because I am the one who for whatever reason has a hard time moving on. A lot of it has to do with my obsessive thinking patterns, something I've done all my life.Looking at it from the outside makes it all seem so simple becuase I often impart the same advice you do. The issue at hand is the seven years that I spent with her - I feel like she is part of my DNA now and it's hard to break the habit. I have to do it though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2016): The fact you describe her antics in such great detail, nearly every move; is what I am going on.
You are so sensitive to her mind-games, you're giving her narcissistic supply. All you have to do is block her and she can't send you anything.
Of course you're going to see her in the same venues. Then find new places to hangout. That is almost a certain indication you only go there hoping to run into her. You're both playing cat and mouse. Only you pretend you're trying to get over her. You're not. There is really nothing new about your story. It has been told over and over. Same scenarios, same outcome.
She throws you bait, and you willingly go for it.
I said you give her too much credit; because you go for it all so easily. Most of your problem is self-inflicted. You can't let go. You admitted it's hard. It's harder for those making no effort. You're implying she's a stalker. Be that the case, get a restraining order.
You are highly receptive to her tactics, and your posts seem to show almost a sadistic pleasure allowing her to get at you. Sir, you're being a little bit of a drama-queen. Don't take offense. It's normal under the circumstances.
Only problem is, you're giving in to all the drama. You can easily put an end to it with no contact, and avoiding old hangouts. You're very skillful at dodging advice. It's all to your benefit, if you're really absorbing any of it.
You're not allowing yourself to let go, that makes all her games effective. No reaction, no fun for her.
It will stop as soon as you let go and move on. Yes, it is that simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE - I agree with everything you said about moving on and implementing a no contact strategy. The issue, however, is that we frequent the same venues from time to time and this makes it hard to move on. You alluded that she is not as manipulative as I give her credit for, but this is not entirely true. Whenever I try to move on she will send a very innocuous text message with subject matter that reverts back to an event, subject matter, etc. from our past. She knows how to hoover in an inconspicuous manner to let me know that she's still there. But I agree that it's up to me to move on. I've psychoanalyzed her covert headgames from day one and confronted her about it, but I stayed around because the sex and affection was so good. This is all on me because I have a choice here.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2016): She isn't a mythological creature, nor is she as manipulative as you give her credit to be.
You are leaving a window open for her and being receptive to the mind-games; while being totally cognizant of what's going on.
Moving on takes effort, and the subconscious-mind has to be convinced moving on is what the conscious-mind really wants to do. The reality is, you want what you want so badly you leave yourself open for her to keep you frozen in time. Her objective is to keep you from finding someone for yourself. She's on an ego-trip. She doesn't want you, or anyone else to have you either.
You will free yourself when all contact is broken. Stop leaving her an opening; because you're just on hold to stroke her ego. It gives her power over your emotions. That's a voluntary thing. It's all up to you. Not her.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2016):
 OP, block & delete her number. Stop her from jerking you around.
Once you cut the contact 100% it will be easier for you to let go and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your advice and kind words....much appreciated!The advice that you all have imparted is usually the same advice I impart to those who are enduring a similar fate. It's safe to say that words ring hollow when your heart is aching, and it's proof that your mind and heart work independently.The reason I was/am hanging onto hope is because of text messages that she began sending again. These messages were innocuous, but knowing her and her history of passive aggressive moves and covert mind games, she knows damn well that I am overjoyed to hear from her. This is the same person who told me many months ago that we need to break things off and move on, only to contact me the next day -- yes, less than 12 hours later -- to invite me over to her place to help out with a chore; this chore of course progressed into all out sex. I'm a strong and independent guy with copious amounts of self confidence, but this little wolf in sheep's clothing has put a spell on me. She is not of this world but rather some seductress from Greek mythology who is adept at the art of leaving you guessing, and probably was teleported here with a time machine...lol. I need to move on!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2016):
There is no way of knowing if she ACTUALLY loved you the way you wanted her too, FACTS are though, that she has moved on with a new guy and is NO LONGER interested in you or your attentions and you NEED to accept and respect that by leaving her alone.
You are beating a dead horse.
Knowing that she loved you or not... will not make moving on easier. Knowing that it JUST didn't work, might.
Cut the contact. If you meet her by chance be polite don't try and give her a 3rd degree interrogation. It's really none of your business.
Do things you enjoy, spend time with people you care for (and not in a romantic way) family, friends. Get some of the things you have procrastinated doing.
Start living your life, don't let your fantasy about her hold you back.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2016):
 I hate to break it to you, but you do need to move on. In no short words, she has telling you that she has moved on, is seeing someone that wants to be with her, and is trying to tell you in as nice as way as possible that you need to leave in your rear view mirror.
The best way to move on is for you to find someone new. That means dating a lot.
Another way to move on is to engross yourself in work, traveling or making plans that excite you. Right now, you are totally unencumbered to do EXACTLY what you want. So take advantage of it. Travel to a country, disappear for a weekend, visit a city you haven't seen before.
Also, you may find it helpful to write a good-bye letter to your ex but do NOT send it. Simply put it in a drawer and leave it there. Sometimes jotting your feelings down on paper and getting them out can help. Then simply start removing her presence from your life: no Facebook, no emails, etc. Also you simply need to quit checking up on her. You are torturing yourself with the hope that she'll realize her "mistake" and come back. That simply will NOT happen. A lot of that is acceptance -- learn the Serenity Prayer and understand it's meaning.
Trust me, when I saw in time, this will pass. You can speed up the process though by being kind to yourself and treating yourself as #1.
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): Yes, moving on his hard. No matter what answers she gives you; they'll never be what you want to hear. That being, "take me back." Or, "I want you back!"
You're wasting her time and yours. The personal questions you're asking are none of your business. If you're her ex now; whether she loved you or not is irrelevant. Surely she doesn't love you now. Not the way you want her to.
She was right to urge you to let go. In fact, you should leave her alone altogether. You're picking at your wounds just talking to her, and asking questions that deserve no answer at all. You can't move on, because you're not really trying. You're trying to force her to tell you what you want to hear. Instead, she told you what you needed to hear. Assume it was all a lie, and use that to help you to detach once and for all.
Take her advice over ours. Move on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): The only way not to end up in a relationship like that is to take a look at YOURSELF, not her.People in our lives and our partners especially are in a way reflection of ourselves at a certain moment in time. You were with her NOT because she needed something (that's her part of the story), but because YOU needed something. That "something" is the key. Have you been repeating certain behaviors, thought patterns, relationships you learned as a kid? I know it sounds like cheap psychology, but it works. As long as you stay focused on her (or anybody else for that matter) you are externalizing the problem. By placing the responsibility someplace else you put yourself in a powerless position. You have no say, things happen to you.If she loved how you altered her mood, you may have loved the feeling of control/, power of being able to control her mood. See where I am getting at? If it was a relationship of convenience, for her it was for you as well. She had you to make her feel better and on the other hand you may have enjoyed not only the power but the idea that you are needed. And if you are needed you are less likely to be dumped. So, are you afraid of being alone? This kind of fear can push us into relationships where we tend to chose needy partners because it gives us a (false) sense of security that they won't leave us.Make no mistake I am talking about subconscious mechanisms. Most of the time we are completely unaware if them. Until we turn the light towards ourselves and start digging. Honesty is the key. Whatever you may find or whatever you think you know about yourself, know that it is not WHO you are. It is just a mask you are wearing (one of the many) and it is your choice wheter you want to keep it or not.There are always two sides. Leave hers alone and focus on yours. That's a good way to get out of the fog and not repeat the same mistake. If it's this
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 February 2016):
 How about you be a constantly plugged in battery so that no matter what kind of woman you meet, you always have love in you, and that the success of a relationship does not define your worth. If you love yourself and are happy no matter what, then no one can drain you.
Of course it's always good to make sure the woman you are with is long term material. That means they can love wholeheartedly without holding anything back. You can't guarantee that they don't lie. You can only do your best and not take things personally if relationships don't last forever.
You move on for yourself, not for your ex or future women. Hanging onto the past does no good. It does not solve the mystery. It does not make her come back to you. It does not change the quality of the women you are going to meet.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 February 2016):
Nobody here can tell you if she loved you or not. Going by how the relationship was and if you felt loved or not should be enough. Think back to when you broke up and try and work out why you both did not work out.
Now you say you need to stop obsessing over her and she has asked you to move on, therefore I think you need to break all contact. All social media should be blocked, numbers should be deleted.
You say you don't want to be used going in to another relationship, yet I am getting the feeling you didn't feel used when you where with her. You need to let go of her or else you will end up being miserable and alone.
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