A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have just moved back home after 12 years abroad. My Dad died 12 years ago, and I have found out recently he had 3 other children, from affairs after another.With my Mom, who he was married to, he had 3 of us. I was aware of 1 other from an affair, she is older than me. Growing up, my parents would fight always and there was bad blood with his family as they permitted this behavior, although from an African perspective, wives never leave husbands, so my Mom knew about only one of them, not the others.Knowing this has really tainted my memory of him, so much so, I very rarely mention him to my Mom, or real siblings, as evidently, my Dad was living parallel lives. I now wonder when he was supposed to be on business trips, where was he, instead of coming to watch me play sports where was he, if he was abroad, was he visiting others etc etc.I guess for sure, my real siblings, we attended the best schools in the country and best universities, whilst from what I gather, the others did not.I have never really spoken openly with my Mom, but I want to ask her what happened, why did he behave like that, why didn't she leave him? She told me a story about 3-4 other family friends, who's fathers were bad, and my parents were conversational with the 'bad women' who slept with married men. I detested this so much, that I have vowed not to speak to those kids, we also went to the same schools, but I cannot agree, that for instance, 2 other bastard kids would try cosy up to their father knowing he has legitimate children. I know some friends that know my Dad's bastard child, and I have stopped speaking to them now as I really do not want to be associated with them for anything.Would it be a good idea to ask my Mom? I know it affected me seeing my parents fight, hence I am very quiet and not trusting of them, as instead of watching me play sports, they'd be fighting, they sent me to a boarding school too as I was regressing badly due to their fights, this was nearly 15 years ago.Anyone with experience of this, please comment.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I believe there are two parts to "answering" your questions.
1. Don't bring up the subject of your Father to your Mother.... Even though your anger toward your Father has a "curiosity" component to it.... this is an appropriate time to keep that anger and curiosity to yourself... It WOULD be appropriate for you to seek professional counselling about this (your anger toward your Father), and I would encourage you to seek that.
1A. IF your Mother should ever bring up the subject of your Father... and IF AND ONLY IF she should mention or allude to his "other" life (and "family")... may you, then, reveal to her YOUR FEELINGS about your Father... AND you and she might then compare notes as to YOUR FEELINGS versus HER (and your Father's) reality.
2. Your feelings about your 1/2 siblings are atrocious, as noted by others before me.... Part of YOUR "assignment" is to LEARN that they are not responsible for their (and YOUR) Father's behaviour. They are the RESULT of your Father's behaviour, not a CAUSE of it. Don't allow your (common) Father's questionable behaviour to taint your feelings about - and toward - them...
I hope you are able to re-adjust how your feel about this complicated "family"..... and come to peace with yourself. your parents and your siblings and 1/2 siblings who are part of it... The sentiments you've expressed in this submittal have the potential of making your life an unnecessary Hell.... Please seek more help and guidance.
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I agree with you . I wouldn't want anything to do with these illegimate children and would want to know if they were aware of whar was going on. I would detest them as results of your father's affairs and would want nothing to do with them. I can relate to exactly what you are feeling. I would discuss in depth with your mother who knew what and what exactly went on so it puts your mind at rest and you can judge how to act going forward. Why should be be remotely interested in something that your father sired out of wedlock?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Your attitude towards your half siblings is disgraceful! calling yourself 'legitimate children' is disgusting! Your half siblings are also your fathers children! They would have every right to know their father just like you! They cannot be blamed for your fathers actions, and you certainly need to grow up! You talk about them as though they are garbage! that is horrible and you seem like a truly awful person if you blame these poor children for your fathers behavior... Seek counseling as you need it desperately.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Hey, those kids did not ask to be born, your attitude does you no credit. As for your half siblings coying up to THEIR FATHER maybe they didn't know thier mother and father were not married, or maybe he was married to their mother before he married YOUR mother. Maybe your father was a bigamist.
For an adult in his late twenties you have some serious growing up to do, and the quickest and most efficient way to do that would be to seek counselling.
Your half brothers and sisters cannot be blamed for your father's actions, and your constant use of the word "bastard' is offensive.
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