A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem is very specific. I love my girlfriend and we are together for almost 4 years now. I have plans to marry her and to start a family with her in about two years and she agrees. We have been living together for 2 years, so we know each other very well. I am 26 years old and she is 21. We are both engineers, although she is still studying, she will finish it next year.She has some trust issues, so she limited my free time and my friends to her comfort level. I have always been outgoing type of person who valued company of other people more than and after her I was pushed to break all contacts with few people that she said to be dangerous for me and our relationship. Of course, that is not real danger for both our relationship and me. I was able to understand that she needs that to be sure that I love her, so I did that. Most of my new life I was just happy to have her, but somewhere deep inside, I wanted to meet with people that I knew before her and just have a good talk like in times when I was free and available. We had really good sex life, she was nice to my family and she completed me on places I needed person like her. Those were the things that were stronger than frustration from her trying to change who I am, so I saw that I can be happy with her even if she is a little bit different from what I had in mind. But…After some time, we decided use pill. Sex life became even better, but not for long. She was gradually losing interest for sex until I had to tell her that it is hard for me to feel rejected every night and that she should stop with the pill or our relationship will suffer even more until we break up. Needless to say that in that period I was frustrated, feeling unattractive, unwanted and I was even more frustrated when I had to masturbate. It is not a problem for me to masturbate, but I felt like I have someone who can at least few times a week have sex with me, but she has no intention to satisfy my needs. Our sex life was bad to the point that we had sex 1 to 3 times a month. For two young and healthy people living together, that is really small number. She agreed to stop the pill. Nothing happened. Everything remained same. No interest, same routine even if we have sex… She made pause with the pill, now she is back on pill. This story is going back 1 year. At that point she had so little interest in sex that I started being frustrated. In the meantime, we came back to our home town where we have families and are living here for 2 months now and we both live separate. Lack of sex in my life is affecting this relationship in such scale that I find reasons not to sleep together at her place or mine. We see each other every day, but only during day, because I can’t stand having girlfriend which I can’t have sex with. I tried to have conversation with her on that subject, but it always ends the same way. I try to explain how it is bad for us, she saying that it’s my fault that she doesn’t want sex because I ask too much. I wouldn’t be asking if I could get enough. To clarify what is enough for me 2-3 times a week.I said what I think that is important, and everything that could be of any help in determining both our personalities. I am not considering cheating on her as I was told few times by friends close to me, and I would have really hard time if we would break up. But now I feel like it has come to point of no return. Either I will accept her lack of sex drive, or I will break up. I know all her family which is really nice to me, and same goes for her, so it would be big deal if that happens, we would both disappoint many more people than just us if we couldn't find solution for us.Help me and give me advice. What would you do?P.S. English is not my first language, so I hope that some meaning could be found in my words.
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male
reader, rivi  +, writes (28 July 2010):
I don't think there is any more you can do - you are throwing good time after bad.
She just doesn't seem to be physically attracted to you and whatever else the relationship might bring that's a deal-breaker.
Better luck with the next gf.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnswer to jmc930:
I had talk with my friend on this subject, and he asked me about same thing as you. How about foreplay? Here is what I do: I start with foreplay and continue until she wants foreplay to move on to sex or until she has orgasm. About 2/3 of our sex is foreplay.
When we speak about sex life, she says that she wants to have more emotions and love from me. I am working most of time, trying everything so that my business can live to see better future, so I thought that maybe I am spending too much time working instead with her. We agreed to give each other what we need. I started planning my day up to certain hour, so I will be able to spend time with her more. When I did my part, I was expecting results too. I didn't want to ask sex from her immediately after change in organization, because it would be like I am here just to help myself. I was waiting for her move, but nothing changed. We had one sex and then after that – nothing. I am so frustrated that I came up with the plan…
Because she is always the one who controls when or whether sex is going to happen, she never had feeling that she wants it as I have. I started pretending that I don't want it, but it's too early to say what this plan will result with. Even if sex happens I will do my best with foreplay but not with sex. I will not control myself and it will last only few minutes 1-2. I know that it is not a best of ideas, but I hope that after that she will have feeling that I am not interested and that she will try harder around me. If not, after reading answers most of them are suggesting break up, so it will come naturally for both of us.
I just want to be sure if I am doing the good thing and is there something more I can do to work on this relationship.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (26 July 2010):
Frankly it's time to call it quits.
You have given her the best years of your youth and all you are getting out of it is sex 1 to 3 times a month - NO WAY is that enough - maybe for couples in their 70s or older.
Have you really not been with any other girls in all this time ? Your balls must be bursting with frustration !
In my view that's what you really need to do - see loads of other women and get some mutual physical pleasure going on between you and them.
Really : it's obvious to an objective outsider that you and the present gf are destined to break up - the longer you leave it the more time you are wasting when you could be getting into other girls' pants.
Say a polite and friendly goodbye on grounds of mutual incompatibility and be grateful you discovered this prior to marriage.
There is a future ! Embrace it and move on !
Bonne chance !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2010):
 What would I do in your situation? Oh dear, I hate to say this. But I think you and she are not compatible sexually nor are you compatible from a communication standpoint. This is as good as it's going to be with her, you are in your wooing phase. From here, unless you both have a great deal of interest and both put in a good deal of energy into this, the amount of sex you have now is what you can expect in the future.
She says she would have more sex with you if you asked less? I sincerely doubt that.
I know English is not your first language (may I just say that you write much better than many of our native speakers?) and so I just want to point some things out to you that may not be relevant or accurately reflect what you were trying to convey.
"I have plans to marry her and to start a family with her in about two years and she agrees." This sounds more about YOUR timing and that she is merely going along with you. Honestly, at age 21, she may still be forming as a person and may not have reached full maturity just yet.
You have set a timetable which may not be HER timetable.
Perhaps this reluctance to have sex is one of the few things she can set the agenda for?
You said also that she has controlled your relationships with a number of your old friends. Have you done the same with her? Was this a mutual decision?
"She wants to be sure I love her..." so she made you do things you now resent? I don't the think a good foundation for a relationship is built on that kind of insecurity and sacrifice, honestly. Why would she doubt your love for her?
If you were my brother/friend/relative, I would be advising you NOT to enter into marriage just yet. Things aren't going to get better in the sexual arena and there seems to be much more going on here than incompatible sex drives.
With all due respect to your families, they aren't the ones who are in your bedroom and in your home day in and day out, so leave their feelings off to the side for your decision on this. Getting married to this girl just because you might disappoint your parents if you don't isn't a good enough reason to get married. The marriage is about you two, fundamentally. Your families are just the support teams.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): As a successful relationship is about give and take, compromise and sacrifice, it seems from your excellent description the sacrifices and compromises could be generating mostly from you. While you have a great attitude about doing your part, I invite you to consider how compromising your girlfriend is. Perhaps an effective question to ask yourself is:"Am I willing to have a marriage with the same terms?"Because as most married persons will tell you, marriage enhances negative conditions. Do not expect your girlfriend to change. Ask her to, and if the change doesn't happen, drop your expectation so you're no longer frustrated, and in the meantime, there's over three billion women in the world, so your chances of having a partner who's giving and selfless are pretty high.
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A
male
reader, TJGumm +, writes (25 July 2010):
Well you wouldn't want your girlfriend having sex with you even if she don't want to would you? That seems like an unfair request to me, however maybe you could try lowering your standards first? Here is what i mean: don't ask her to have sex with you 2-3 times a week to start off with, maybe you can try once a week like say every Saturday, this would be fair to her so that she can have the ease of mind without always trying to turn you down as well as you getting more or less what you want...
(If you would like me to further explain message me).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): It's pretty normal for women to go through 'phases'. Sometimes we want lots of sex and sometimes we can't be bothered at all.Usually, at least for me, sex is linked to many things outside of the actual relationship. If she's stressed, depressed or anxious about her studies/work she might not be in the mood.Try adding a little romance to the equation. Instead of asking her for sex why don't you give her a nice massage one evening when she's spending the night. Don't rush it but towards the end you could start making your touch more sexual, kiss her back and her neck and see how she reacts. If she's not in the mood for sex then don't ask for it, wait and see how she reacts....There is such a thing as different sex drives, hers might not be very high. In that case you will probably be setting yourself up for disappointment as people don't normally change.Hope that helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): You make it very clear that you love this girl, and that she satisfies you with almost everything else, except sex. It sounds like you are very good to her and very concerned with how she feels, which is good.
When you have sex with her, do you focus on her at all? Try doing more foreplay and putting energy into pleasing her when you have sex. She might want it more if she knows she's getting good things out of having sex, too.
The pill sometimes decreases sex drive in women, but it's also good so that she is much less likely to be pregnant. This is a choice you'll have to make with her.
What does she say when you talk to her about her not having a sex drive? I would like to know so I can think of other possibilities for you.
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