A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What should I do about my gf's past? I think about it every single day, multiple times a day, the closer and more I feel for her the more intense this problem becomes. She has been very promiscuous, sleeping with around 20 people of which most all were one night stands.I have read LOTS about this... Would it make me a bad person if I left her over this? I love her so much, but I continually feel disgusted with her past and how she used to be... I constantly picture her with all these random people, doing degrading things with her that I have found out throughout the relationship. I want to end this feeling of pain so badly and I think the only way I can do that is if I end the relationship... I cringe every time I think about it, which is A LOT!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): You can't win no matter what. It'll never, ever, ever stop hurting if you stay. You'll have total guilt and unanswered questions about the future that might have been if you leave. And you can't do something in the middle. You're just screwed because of Charles Darwin. You hurt, you never wanted to, you can't stop it, you get no sympathy, and you get called immature for it. Welcome to being male in the modern era of extramarital sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): To the anon female who’s boyfriend has the same problem – I thing that your answer was beyond excellent. That was extremely understanding and realistic. Perhaps the best answer that I have ever heard on this subject, certainly including my past answers to this question. That is what my wife thought. You and her are 2 unique women. I would have been stupid to have left her and I think your boyfriend would be stupid to leave you.
If you do decide to leave her, listen very carefully to what Yos has said. Do not make her feel like a damaged person.
Well, if you are like me, you will begin to forget about it after some time. It took me about 2 years before I finally mostly accepted it and would rarely think of it. The bad thoughts would crop up from time to time and sometimes I would make an unkind remark to her about it if she said something that would remind me about her past. She would ignore it because she was OK with it because she thought that it made me feel better and I only did it once or twice a year. Not nice of me, but it did make me forget it for several months and she was accepting of it. Of course, she was never really happy with her past either. However, I just discovered her true feelings a few months ago. She said that is because she just discovered them also. It would have been better if we could have discussed it more in the beginning. I think you should do that, but do not insult her in the process.
We never really talked about it much earlier in our relationship, but all of a sudden the bad thoughts came back a few months ago. That was after 28 years together. We talked about it for weeks and my bad thoughts are gone now except for some brief moments. We talk if they go on for more than a couple of hours, otherwise I never mention it to her. She has been great all through these past few months and has been willing to talk whenever I need it.
I almost left her during our first 2 years together a couple of times. I’m not sure why I didn’t, but we are both happy that I didn’t. I dated a few other women during our first 3 years together also. She wanted me to and we both felt that I needed to do that so that I could make an intelligent decision about staying with her. She was my first after my divorce and only my second sexual partner ever and we both wanted to make sure that I wasn’t hanging on to her as a rebound relationship. We think that is what saved our relationship and she thinks that allowing me that freedom was the best decision that she made. I’m not suggesting this, but it worked for us. It allowed me to compare her to others and to gain confidence. Her multiple partners gave her more confidence after feeling old and unattractive after her divorce. She wanted me to date more, but I was afraid of ruining our relationship.
There are advantages to one’s partner having experience with multiple partners. I have written about them in my 2 articles on this board. My wife never had the slightest thought of having an affair during the few years that our marriage was not going great because she knew that even with the problems that she thought that I was the best partner she had ever had.
Like others have said, leave her if you absolutely cannot handle your thoughts, but consider what you might find in the future. Think about it a lot before you jump to a decision.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Baby Duck, that was a wise t-shirt!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Does thinking about your gf's past make you feel insecure about how attractive you are? The fact that she's chosen to stay with you shows that she thinks you're hotter than all those guys!Do you think that she was used and dumped by a lot of guys, so she's less desirable to you or low status because noone wanted to treat her nice or keep her? Well, her promiscuity sounds like it was her own choice, for whatever reason. Or are you grossed-out thinking about the guys? Then try not to think about it, and ask your girlfriend not to talk or give you details about her past.Or are you just worried about STDs? If so, get yourselves tested and then that worry will be over. If you break your feelings down, and try to deal with them, but still can't get over them-- then break up with the poor girl. She deserves someone who loves her as she is, because of her history and passion and sensuality, not someone who shudders to think about her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your insightful replies. Wow... Some of you gave me some views I did not think about before, it helps a lot!
I do love her, so much. I do not want to leave her, that is the last thing I ever want to do. It just hurts so much to know that so many other men have taken advantage of her... I feel cheated, like life has played this big joke on me.
I truly am saddened by all of this, her past truly does hurt me. I feel a cluster of emotions, some angry, some sad, some disgusted, some curious, jealous, insecure, all sorts of things I wish I did not feel.
Im so confused what to do... I dont think there is anything she could tell me that would make it any better. I dont think there is anything I could do that would make it feel any better. Im worried that this feeling I have, this very strong very real emotion will not go away. That I will spend my life with her, waiting for this to dissolve... But it wont... And I will eventually have to get out of this relationship.
I want a wife, a family, a life partner... I don't want a fling, or some short commitment. I want to build a life and a future with this person... I want her to be my last. But, I worry that she can not be trusted, or that she may not be satisfied. She tells me that all she wants is me, that I give her more than anyone, and that she loves me more than she has ever loved. She tells me that she wants to be with me for the rest of her life... But, she also lied to me about some things in her past, and she would keep things from me like going out with her x bf, or continually go out with other men (all platonic she said)...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): I believe that it would merely make you an immature person. I have done many things in my past, all of which now make me appreciate the love, kindness and stability that my partner offers me. When I was younger and wilder I would never have realised how wonderful my man is, and would probably have strayed. Now that I've experienced how shallow people can be I know what I have.Your girlfriend is loving and appreciative of you probably because she has experienced what she has. You should learn to get over what are essentially your own insecurities and enjoy the love that you are fortunate to have.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Leaving her won't make you a bad person, as long as you do so with care. Don't make it some kind of punishment, or a moral judgement, and don't leave her feeling worthless because of it. Own this yourself, don't blame her. Otherwise you're no better than those random guys that are torturing you right now.
You should bear in mind that this problem is something inside you, not her, meaning that you'll likely encounter it again in the future (unless you date virgins...). So you need to decide whether you're ready to face it now, or later. You'll most likely have to at some time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): I think it would help to have the perspective of a male who has experienced (and continues to experience) similar feelings. I'm with a girl whose past bothers me. It bothers me a lot and often--like you. Her past involves more partners than I would prefer, drugs, and continued friendship with men in her past. I think about it all the time and we've even talked about it. I'm really into her, but her past has, and does, interfere with things for me. The irony is that part of the reason I left my previous girlfriend was her past which, at the time, I perceived as robust, but was a lot less "offensive" the current girl's. In fact, the previous girl's past seems pretty tame today. It was half the number of partners and a lot less of the high-risk behavior. What does that tell you? You be the judge.
This is a complicated subject that people tend to oversimplify and dismiss. It can be pretty irritating.
People will tell you the same stupid things, especially (no offense) women: "it shouldn't matter," "you're insecure," "get over it," "just leave her then." That's all partially true, but it's also partially BS. It's more complicated that that. It does matter. It matters because it matters to you (and me, and others). And there's no magic, spiritual statement or hard-hitting solution to make you feel better. Leaving her is harder that it sounds. But so is "getting over it." It's a true dilemma.
I'll tell you that one thing that occasionally makes me feel better is to think that every hot, worthwhile girl is going to have some stupid past. And, it's rarely a neat, clean one that we're happy about. My current girlfriend is hot, smart, cool, successful, all of that. I'm willing to bet that yours is too. On the contrary (and I don't mean this to be cute or mean or sexist), a few of my (male) friend's girlfriends aren't. And, guess what? Those girls have milder pasts. But they're also less interesting, less attractive, less cool. In some ways, we as men pay the price for having something good and desirable. That price is that some dudes beat you to it.
The other thing that makes me feel better, and may make you feel better is this--this discussion. Realizing that they're are other guys agonizing over the same thing. I am. You are. Other saps on this board are.
You can't just let it go. Don't let people tell you that. That's stupid. But try to forget it for one day. Try your best to have ONE day when you don't think about it and just enjoy the girl for what she is now. Just one day. Start there. Or, do what I've been wanting to do for a while (and I probably will do now). Ask every cool, pretty girl that you know or see (and that won't slap you) about HER past. Tell them a little bit about why, and that you're not trying to get off or pick up on them. See what you find out.
You asked a question in your post: would it make you a "bad person"? The answer is, of course, no. You're not bad for looking for what you want and knowing what you don't. Just make sure that you know that leaving her is what you want.
E-mail me if you want talk more.
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A
female
reader, DeviLishToy +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Always remember that our Past is History and shouldn't be relived. Our Future is a Mystery, and the Present is a Gift. It would appear to me that you certainly need to sit and talk to her about how you are feeling and after that you may end up feeling much better about it. If not then you seriously need to realize that it's her Past, and not necessarily something she's doing while she's with you. Communicate with her, it's important in relationships to have good communication. If you find that you just can't be with her because you can't get past the problem you are having with her past then I'd suggest you move on because you are only going to let this eat you up until the relationship withers away. Think about it long and hard before making any rash decisions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Why do women just assume that every man having these feelings is a hypocrite?
Does it ever dawn on anyone that the guy asking the question might not have screwed everything that walks in the past himself? Like, he might have a MORAL PROBLEM with the way she's lived her life?
I'm sorry a few men are sluts but women have no right to paint us all with that brush.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (17 June 2008):
 You wuld not be a bad person but you would be a person that belives the myth that men can have lots of women and it makes them more desireable but if a woman does it, she is a bad person or easy. Many people make choices for different reasons. If she loves you and she is faithful to you, i would say give her a chance. She may have been looking for someone to love her by being promiscous and if she has found you and she treats you with love and u treat her good, why end it????? You may be what she was looking for.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 June 2008):
We find this question every so often. I believe that the advice I can give is very simple, and is simply a description of what your options are. Either you accept her as she is, with her past, yes, and all the good things she brings to the relationship, too, or you leave her. There's no middle ground. There's no staying with her and making her life miserable over something she can't change.
If you had slept with twenty girls, what could you do if a girl said she can't get over your past? That's where she stands with you.
Take her, or leave her. No other options here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): it seems to me that you know you want to leave her but you dont want to feel like such a bad person and you just want someone to tell you your right for leaving her. well...your right on leaving her. if i was with a guy that slept with that many people, id be afraid that im just another person he would sleep with. i personally think 5 people are alot of people to sleep with and i would only sleep with someone if i really loved that person. you also probly wont want to be thinking bout this all the time when you could be really happy with someone that hasn't been with so many people. i wish you lots of luck!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Well, if it makes her unsuitable for you, then yes, leave her. it wouldn't make you a bad person, because this is a characteristic that makes her incompatible with you. It's your choice. Some people can tolerate their partner's past, some other can't.
However, if you're questioning whether you leave her or not, then I say, give it more thought and maybe try to make it work. Is she a bad person because of her past? Does it change the love she gives you? No, probably not, because if her past were such a big deal, you'd already left her, no questioning. I think you could go to therapy to explore these painful feelings. You say the closer you become, the stronger these feelings get, and you say that you love her a lot. These feelings are correlated, and maybe you haven't found out quite yet why. Maybe if you do, you'll be able to get over her past and live in a happier relationship.
You can always leave her, though. Who knows, you may find love again, or you may not. You have to think about this: are her other qualities something you value in a relationship? Do you think you'd find someone like her, that would make you happy, with a cleaner past? Do you think her past defines who she is now? What's more important: who she was or who she is now? If you decide her past is more important, leave her. If you decide the present is more important and want to give it a shot, then try therapy.
I understand that some guys have these issues. My boyfriend does too, and while I'd undestand if he left me, and would respect his decision, I'd feel bad that he gave more importance to who I used to be and the mistakes (or not) that I made, than who I am now. It's really painful sometimes to realize that some people don't believe that people can change, and that who you are today is much more important than who you used to be.
Whatever you chose to do, don't feel bad. You're only doing what's best for you and her. because believe me, if this starts eating you up, you'll end up hurting her much more than if you just left her. But you have to weigh your options. But don't feel bad. It wouldn't make you a bad person. You'd only be opening a door to her to find someone who loves her despite her past. And you'd be opening yourself a door to find someone you are comfortable with. And there's nothing wrong with that. But realize that you have choices besides leaving her.
Best wishes,
x.LR.x
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A
female
reader, countrygirlWV +, writes (16 June 2008):
 It wouldn't really b the best way to be the best person in the world if u truelly love her then her past shouldn't matter. I mean I hate thinken about my boyfriend with another girl but u just need to let it go. But if you truelly can't then maybe u shouldn't b with her
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): If you cringe everytime you think about it--then end it. You don't really love her. If you did--it wouldn't matter if she was with 100 people. People change and do things in their life, big deal. If she is with you now and it is serious, then forget about it. However, if you feel used and that she is going to do the same to you, then leave.
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Would it make you a "bad" person? I guess that depends on how you want to define "bad". Would it mean that you are a pathetically insecure person? Yes. Would it mean that you are a hypocrite and a sexist? Possibly.
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