A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:If your were scared of commitment, would you be with someone for nearly four years. but not live with her. Get close and then pull away again and then repeat. Despite illness on both sides, the rows maybe a couple days of calming down but he never wants to let her go. Would you text everyday, tell her she looked and smelled good and was so sexy when you see her. Keep in touch every day and always say night. ask her advice about which company car she thinks you should have and ask her what she would like. but when she said she loves you, you used to reply but a small row two months ago stopped you saying it anymore. He is so scared to repeat the hurt of failed relationships but don't see that she is his present not his past and she loves him too much to ever hurt him. Would a man stay with a woman if he didn't love her?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 OP, I'm sorry I'm late to the question but I have to respond.
Would he stay if he didn't love you... yes.
would he commit to live with you and marry you... maybe
is it going to get any better in terms of commitment from him
probably not.
His excuse "i'm scared to fail again" is bullshit to be honest.
if you love someone and you don't want to ever live without them you will move heaven and earth to do so.
My current husband is my 4th. And god help me I have been through more with him in the 2 years we've been married then with all the others combined but he is my heart and soul and I am his.
when we met he said "I'm just here for the fun and games" and that was fine with me because that's all I wanted was a casual FWB/NSA long distance friendship. He told me early on in casual conversation (since I was not available for marriage or a serious relationship) that he didn't believe in Marriage. That marriage was stupid and he was NEVER Getting married.
did you note he is my husband? three days before we are going to fly to Las Vegas to get married (in front of family and friends) I said "we don't have to get married everything is fine the way it is" and he said "no we are getting married"
Now he is in the biggest battle of his life trying to get sober. The reason? I told him that IF he wanted to be with me he had to get sober. He finishes his first 28 days in rehab on Thursday. WHY did he go to rehab? He'll tell you "I want to be with my wife and this is the only way"
He's been drinking since he was single digits. He's 41 and this is his first attempt. He doesn't want to give up his first love (alcohol) but he is willing to do it to not lose me.
What is your bf of 4.5 years willing to give up to not lose you?
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 February 2015):
 OP: I believe you missed my glib point.... i.e. That, if a woman is sexually available to him - regardless the circumstances - he may choose to act like an a$$ (as your man seems to be doing).... Don't give him credit for LOVING you, just because he's THERE....
We men are famous for needing only a PLACE to have sex... whilest women, stereotypically, desire, or prefer, to have a REASON to have sex...
I was not commenting on whether or not your boyfriend knows your name....
P.S. You were correct when you commented: "...I now see its the other way round."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Yes and no. Its not that he doesn't love you. He certainly has feelings for you but his feelings for whatever reason have a limit. And he doesn't want to cross that limit. There is a song by Madonna you should listen to, 'Express Yourself." This is exactly what the song is about. One of the lyrics is 'don't go for second. Put your love to the test.' You should listen to the whole song. It is about how YOU have the power to make your relationship better by putting yourself on a pedestal and not taking his shit. And not being so easily consumed by compliments or that he gave you flowers or said you are pretty, stuff that is easy and really doesn't matter in the long run. These are things a guy could say and do for any girl. You want to be the exception, not the rule. You want a guy who will do anything for you. And like she says in the song, when you walk away, most likely he will regret it and he'll be back 'on his knees.' How a guy treats you starts with how you treat yourself. And what you need is to be tough and have a lot of dignity. That's sexier than any dress or perfume that you own. Sometimes you have to test a man to see for yourself how he truly feels about you, and that way know if he is worth your time. The best way to test a man is to be really dignified and really strong and therefore have the ability to end things and say, no, this is not good enough for me and walk away. Even if you're just doing it to test the waters. I've done it. I've broken up before, still being in love, because I am not getting what I want. And 9 times out 10, they regret it and they come back with a sweeping gesture. It happens. You've just got to give yourself more credit. And usually, no longer having you is the only way they realize how special you are. It's crazy but it's true. I don't think you are insane, it is not what I am implying, this is just a quote that anybody can find sense behind at some point, and I think it is useful to you right not, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." What you are doing is not working. So far, your game plan with him has been you are available to him regardless of his hesitance to commit to you. What you are doing is not changing the dynamic. That you are sexy and that you smell good and that you love him is not making him any more committed. So your only hope here is that you have to change the dynamic, altogether. You only have two options. Accept this or don't accept this. Those are your only options. So the only way to change the dynamic is to choose the latter option, don't accept this. Do the opposite of what you've been doing. Break it off. Let him miss you. Let him think he has lost you. Let his mind wander and think that another man is now enjoying your sexiness and your perfume and your awesome love. Cause that is what he is going to think, without you saying a word. All you have to do is break things off with him cold turkey and then just be strong and stick to your guns. Don't waiver. No phone calls, nothing. And his mind is going to start really playing tricks on him. He is going to feel panic, jealousy and remorse for having taking you for granted. So if you want more from him, you've got to stop being so impressed with the bread crumbs he is offering you and start placing a higher value on yourself. And stop making excuses for him. Oh poor guy he got hurt 7 years ago, he is so scared. Boo effing hoo! Yeah welcome to the world, everybody and their cousin has been hurt in the past, so what? How is that your problem? He is on your watch right now. You are not going to bite him, you are not going to hurt him. He needs to get over his fear because you love him and you are going to treat him right. So this 'fear' excuse is bs. And why should you give a rat's ass anyway that he was hurt in the past when he could care less that he is the one hurting you now? Seriously, stop making excuses for him. Give yourself more height and significance. Don't accept this anymore. Let him miss you. Let him get a taste of life without you. That'll straighten him out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldguy1465 I think being with someone for nearly four years, is a little more than hanging around.
We have been through hell of a lot, I think we are past exchanging names don't you?
I cannot see what your answer has to do with my question.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2015):
IF a woman puts out for a man.... he doesn't even have to know her NAME to continue hanging around with her......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise owl was correct when he said about "It's not fear of commitment, my dear lady; it is fear of failure".
He once said to me, He was so scared of a 3rd relationship failing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers.
I always thought it was because he didn't think I was good enough for him but I now see its the other way round.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Sometimes a guy holds on to a woman he knows he doesn't deserve. He knows himself and how he can be poison within a commitment, and he knows if she gave him her heart he would manage to screw it up. It's not fear of commitment, my dear lady; it is fear of failure. He knows he can count on you because you're there and even though you fight, you are such a caring person, you put differences aside and the goodness in you steps forward. You see something good in him, but he isn't willing to change to make himself worthy. He is stubborn, and selfish. He knows it, and you recognize it. The battle between you is you're tired of him holding on, and just when you're ready to let go, he holds on tighter.
You're not going to like this. Here goes anyway.
You have to move on with your life. Tell him go get his life in order and stop blaming other people for hurting him. Look inside and see the truth. He isn't afraid of you hurting him, even though you may have a lot of times. He is afraid of hurting you in ways that would make you hate him. Your fights are because of this side of him. He knows he's too old to change his ways, and he doesn't want to be saddled down, and be one woman's man. He likes things on his terms and under his control, but he also likes being cared for.
You fight because you know you don't have to take him as he is, but you also find it hard to let go. You're going to become an old woman who wasted a years of her valuable time trying to change a man who doesn't want to. Sorry, this isn't your question. He can love you, but he's not good enough for you. He knows it.
If he loved you, he would change. He does a lot of things you can appreciate, but the most important thing he can do for you is change to be a better man. If he can't do that, stop wasting your time and find what you deserve.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (31 January 2015):
Yup. People do this every day. I spent nearly five years with a man who quite literally beat and raped me on a regular basis. Why? Didn't think I deserved any better.
People often stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons. I fell out of love with my ex long before I left. So yes, any human can remain in a bad relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Dear Cupid, it seems like this man is emotionally unavailable. You give he takes but but does not want to commit. Trust me you havent done anything wrong, and you should not take his behaviour personally, but if you have indicated that you want a full fledge commitment and he is not ready to give you that then I am afraid you might have to gradually let him go because you will remain stuck in this cycle. He is showing you signs he likes you and then holds back and never shows up when you need him. He is broken, and four years is long enough to show that you cannot fix him especially since he keeps holding onto the past. Its painful yes, but you need to know and understand that there are men out there who are ready to commit and love you and appreciate you for all that you are and yes my dear you deserve it. Let Mr. Emotionally Unavailable go and move forward. to answer your question, men and women stay in relationships with people they are not 100% in love with because its an easy option, for some its better than being alone, they are waiting for the person they consider to be their ideal partner comes along. As a personal rule I cannot stay in a relationship with someone who is hesitant to show me and express their love for me, i don't like the confusion and pain it brings always being in suspense and wondering what they feel for me. as always the case its not about the other person but its about you, do you feel you are happy in this relationship, do you feel emotionally secure, loved, respected, appreciated, valued. If not then its time to let go!
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