A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, looking for a male pespective probably more than anything but all advice/comments welcome. I have been with my bf for a year now ( we're late 30's)and live an hours drive away. We have wonderful times together, great sex life and laugh a lot but because of work patterns we only see each other alternate weeekends and occasionally in between which is really hard. He gets on well with my children ( he's divorced no kids) and they have been to stay at his recently which went very well and he's mentioned taking them to meet his parents . My issue is he hasnt said I love you yet and although pays me lots of compliments and is very affectionate does not get emotional so I dont really know how he feels about me. I asked him about this a few months ago and he said he was very hurt in his last relationship which ended 6 mths before we got together, so he needed a bit of time, but that he was really happy with me and very relaxed around the kids and all was good. I have not mentioned it again to give him time but it is a niggle with me and bothers me on and off. We are holidaying with the kids and have made plans for holiday next year so i know its not a short term thing, but wonder if it'll ever work with the distance and cant help feeling this arrangement may suit him perfectly as it gives him so much space. I would like to think we will end up living together eventually and he used to joke about that when we first got together but doesnt any more. Sorry Ive gone on, but would a man get this involved if he just wanted weekend fun?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 June 2008):
No I dont think he would get as involved if he just wanted weekend fun.
He must see something very special in you, to go to the effort of driving to see you and keeping in contact. Long distance relationships are hard and if he only wanted fun, he could surely find a girl around his area who was much easier. And plus, hes spending time with you kids and is thinking about geting them to meet his parents- if he just wanted weekend fun then he wouldnt bring the children into it you would think, hopefully anyway.
I understand though that despite those positive signs you are having doubts as he hasnt said 'i love you' or really showed much emotions.
This must be confusing for you.
I do understand where he may be coming from. Often when people get hurt, they build up a barrier to protect themself from geting hurt again. For some people, it means puting up a emotional barrir so they do not say things such as I love your or really let you see their emotions, because if they do, that makes them become vunerable! And being vunerable makes it hurt so much more when things go bad. However, this "approach" that some people take to "protect themself" is really self defeating as if they continue doing it, in the long run it pushes people away.
So I think that might be waht your bf is going through. Now that you may understand, its time to figure out what to do about it...
Well thats a hard part and maybe its something you could post another question about on here because Im not entirely sure. But in my opinion, when somoene has been hurt badly, its up to them to move on, to find a way. Personaly I think that if someone still has emotional bagged from a past relationship, that they shodulnt be in a new one as it makes it so so hard for them to really move on. He needs to find that inner peace and happines by himself. Yet living so far away, he might be able to do this. Let him know how you feel for him, and do as much as you can to encourage him to be open and share his feelings. The ball is then in his court. Its up to him to decide if hes going to open up. He may very well benefit talking to a counsellor abut his feelings, as it seems he may have some deep issues.
Another thought that came to my mind was that maybe you living so far away, it allows him to not only keep you at a 'safe emotional distance' but also at a safe phsyical distance.
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