A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a new relationship with a man who makes me laugh like nobody else, is affectionate, hard working and very patient. We are living together and planning to go away travelling together.I'm very physically attracted to him, I trust him, feel that he loves me and feel safe with him. He is a man who'd rather 'do' than 'discuss', we are happiest when on a mission together be it hacking the weeds in the garden, walking to the supermarket in the rain or away for the afternoon in a cycle trip.This is the healthiest, easiest relationship of my life, and we are even considering getting married, but.... I do have some reservations.I am a very expressive person that likes to talk about feelings (typical female!) and with a tendency to worry a bit about things, while he is more reticent, struggles to articulate his feelings and is unbelievably calm in any situation - but doesn't believe in planning anything much. Two different ways of being, I like how he has a calming influence on me and he likes how I organise things for us but the real problem might lie deeper still..I enjoy reading and philosophical conversations, I'm university educated(not that I actually believe that matters for all that much) where as he doesn't read and doesn't really do philosophical conversations - as I said he'd rather do than talk.He's not especially articulate and has no qualifications to speak of yet he certainly isn't stupid. I always enjoy to hear his take on things as he has a strong independent mind buuut, sometimes I just feel we are intellectually incompatible. Not that I'm better than him in anyway, cus I admire him very much for all his qualities.. but perhaps I will get bored without stimulating conversation? I'm scared of this happening because I want us to be happy together, forever.Am I being unrealistic?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Okay, I have to ask the question, if this is a new relationship and you aren't sure of it, why are you living with him? Why can't you just continue to date him and take a bit of time to figure this out?
I do like the idea that you will go on a trip together. That can be a real test of a relationship.
Why not go on the trip, reassess and then come back and report on how it went. But please do explain how it came to be that you are living together yet you aren't certain you two are a good match?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2012):
 Difficult question. I read all the other Aunts' questions, and ...all the different , even contrasting opinions sound somewhat right to me.
Because, yes,I too don't think that necessarily you can only be happy with someone who is completely your equal intellectually and shares all your specific intellectual interests. For that there are friends, or members of clubs and societies you join, to have animate debates about your favourite subjects.
I am college educated and an avid reader, plus some of the things I am more into and LOVE to talk about, are admittedly rather quirky: Mahayana buddhism, the School of Frankfurt social theory... heck if I should have waited to meet a guy that liked me and ALSO wanted to talk about that stuff,I'd probably been alone all my life.
Plus, educated is not necessarily equivalent to intelligent, interesting or mentally stimulating. I've met learned people, but that were dull and dumb, and streetsmart people with little or no formal education , but very sharp, very open mentally, very curious about all fields of life, and very informed about what goes on in the world through non-academic channels.
Buuut... ( like you say :) I don't know, it sounds to me that your differences may be more of emotional / characterial compatibily, than stricty intellectual. If you are introspective, aware of your inner life , and very adept to verbalize your feelings, it must be frustrating dealing with someone who is not at all comfortable with the same, the communication remains superficial , stifled, limited. If you are a planner ,and he is a go with the flow kind of person-that may be another difficulty. Plus, people must be passionate about something , feel driven by something- it does not have to be Karl Popper or greek tragedy....I have no problem with low-brow,.. but , what does this guy LOVE, what makes him tick, what does he get excited about ?
He pulls out the weeds, he walks to the supermarket , and .... ?
I may be wrong of course , but it sounds like you looked for comfort, reassurance and stability, and you've found them in this man. A protector. Which is good , but, you wonder if it will be enough , and tbh in your shoes I'd wonder too.
The problem is not if the partner won't talk about Shakespeare, people can feel very connected even talking about the dinner menu or Sex and the City. The problem is that when people are emotionally, psichologically, SPIRITUALLY distant, sooner or later they won't bother to talk about anything at all anymore, because they are just not interested in keeping the connection.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): You will get bored anyway, doesn't matter how many stimulating conversations you have now. This is what happens to two people living together, they can get bored with each other sometimes. It's not the end of the world, you don't get divorced over it, but you definitely will get bored.I m married for 27 years, got married very young, not even 20, we do get bored with each other, my husband is the smartest man ever, the man knows everything, really, everything, he even knows how feed a turtle.We get bored with each other, it doesn't mean, we don't love each other. To make life a little more colorful, we both have a bunch of hobbies: I dance, study languages, he goes fishing. And then we both workout, and travel together. I have girls nights out, he goes for a beer with his bodies.To find a man that you described is not that easy. If not having much of a stimulating conversation stoping you than let it be. But again, you are in your 30s, you ve seen what's out there, if you have a good guy, keep him, that would be my advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): I spent 17 years with a man who I loved but who was not my intellectual 'equal'. I found that it was not so much his complete non-interest in questioning or discussing things on a deeper level that was the problem. Rather, as time went on it became clear that his inability to plan anything left me with all the planning to do and his general charm and affection was basically that of a child - a very emotionally immature person who was often very loving and totally at ease in himself, but who could not structure his life in a grown up way and unconsciously expected me to play 'Mum'. It got to the point where I absolutely craved being able to connect with a man on a deeper level, despite having great sex in all that time. I'd suggest do what I failed to do...look at the positive characteristics that he has and think differently about how they might actually be the mark of someone immature and irresponsible who is unconsciously wanting you to nurture them in return for loads of affection and comfort but who will struggle to lead things forward - not being intellectually 'driven', even a bit, is sometimes linked to a refusal to properly grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): Join a book club, enroll in summer courses at university, I really do understand your need for stimulating conversation but you can get that from friends ( finding good relationships can be much much more difficult), but I must say that lack of communication is an issue you should work on, because unsaid things can become a problem, specially if you start over thinking them and not really talking them over.
I think I could be with someone who's not my intellectual equal but not somebody who's stupid (to me admiration - among other things- is key in a relationship) but I also believe that knowledge doesn't always come from a college degree and I know a lot of smart people who did not have a lot of schooling and I've learned from them and admire them and by the end of the day it really doesn't matter to me if the person I'm with doesn't know who Karl Popper was because we'll just turn on the TV on TOWIE and enjoy each other's company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): To be honest, it is not difficult to find people to have stimulating or intellectual conversations with. That is what friends are for. Finding a man that loves you and who you are compatable with is the hard part. If you have found someone who seems perfect for you, don't waste it by asking questions like this. If you do end up married and do get bored, join a philosophy club or something, but you will still have him to love you, support you, and be with you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I think that as long as he isn't stupid then it'll be fine. I once had a boyfriend who I met at university, so he was getting his education as well.. but he was slow. I don't know if it was a language barrier or something (he came from a different country, but spoke my language fluently after living here for a decade). I had to explain things to him very slowly, and with easy words. I had to explain simple jokes to him. I couldn't leave him to do a task on his own without supervision because he couldn't make one independent decision and would always come running to ask me what to do if something unexpected happened. He didn't use his brain, or his own logical mind. It was tiresome. I lost respect for him, and found myself easily irritated by him.
So to me, the level of education isn't so important has the level of intellect and ability to think for yourself. Educated people can still be stupid, it's weird, I know. But they can be good with books and then completely clueless in real life. Just an example. I also know tons of educated people who are booooring. So I don't think this comes down to education at all. Tons of educated people just want to talk about themselves, or their work, or not talk at all.
I think maybe what you are missing is someone to discuss things with (topics that you are interested in). If he can't show a level of interest in the things that matter to you (be they philosophy, your favourite hobby, your family etc) then there is a problem. You can either learn to live with it... maybe he is worth this little thing that you are missing if he is otherwise the perfect man. But maybe in teh years to come you will be bored, feel alone, feel like you don't have anything meaningful to talk about, and maybe it'll come between you and make you grow apart. You know best.
Then again.. life is risks. If he makes you happy now then go for it. You can't speculate too much about the "what ifs".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I don't think a couple that works well, are on the same level in EVERYTHING. If it is otherwise a even relationship I think it's actually a good thing that you aren't carbon copies of each other.
He should be JUST like you (only in a male version) You each have something different about you, partly I BET that is what attracts you two to each other.
Personally, I think he sounds divine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): Has that happened yet? Because it would have been an issue by now if it was.
OP surely you have friends you can have philosophical and deep debates with don't you?
You don't have to be on the same intellectual level for it to work. As long as your qualities compliment each other and are not already a source of conflict then I don't see the problem.
Now if you're planning on moving to a cave with him and never speaking to another human ever again, then yeah, that might be a problem.
If you ask me I think you're looking for a problem because this is thusfar a little too perfect for you, things are going so well you're trying to find ways in which it's going to come crashing down and take it all away from you. Well guess what OP, sometimes things just are this good and you do work this well with someone.
Me and my partner have the same kind of thing going on. I absolutely love sports and love to read about them watch them, and love to talk about them. She hates sports. Do you really think our relationship is somehow flawed because she doesn't share that one passion with me? Is it not possible that I can indulge my passion for sports with others who have the same passion?
Do you understand where I'm coming from? OP your partner cannot be your all, there is simply no other person in the world with the exact same ideas, passions, beliefs, intellect, physical prowess etc. No two people match 100% and that's the beauty of relationships they don't have to and it's even better when you have differing qualities that complement each other. I'm quite a fiery guy and my girlfriend is very calm and collected as a team we are amazing because the rare time she does lose it our roles reverse.
Who cares if your boyfriend can't debate existentialism for hours? Who cares if he thinks Plato was a character from Bill and Ted's excellent adventure?
Surely he's intelligent enough to be able to have a stimulating conversation about other things and surely you have other friends you can talk to about things he's knowledgeable about.
Again just remember, if guys only ever went for girls who can have stimulating conversations about sports then our population would be nearly zero.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): The thing is you are happy, comfortable and at ease together, so much is right but you seem to expect more - one person can not always fulfil your all needs. If you love him, really love him, then you will know his little faults and personality traits and accept that as part of the package. So 'Love' is the key, and you don't mention that.
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A
female
reader, 057  +, writes (22 June 2012):
I reckon that a bit unrealistic. Which we all suffer from from time to time. My boyfriend does loads of stupid stuff. Puts the milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge. Turns the power off when we go away for the weekend & doesnt realise hes turned off the fridge & freezer & now all our foods stuffed. Leavin wet towels everywhere. One time he didnt take the steak off the pan before running it under water in the sink. Sometimes I just think to myself "Christ you really are stupid or what?! Where is your head?!"
But in other ways hes the smartest bloke in the world. When it comes to values & morals, hes got ideas I never contemplated. He has an enormous heart. I read all the time, he never reads. But he has an enormous imagination & writes great little stories for his own amusement.
I spose you can see what you want to see in someone. But when you hear the old "Nobodies perfect" line, its worth considering yourself, theres stuff you can do better than him & stuff he can do better than you.
It sounds like youre great friends, dont stuff it up cuz youre still thinkin "Maybe I can do better than this..." cuz one day you might regret not appriciating what you had when you had it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I am like your boyfriend and my boyfriend is like you. It is normal to feel anxiety before the wedding but you only the if he is the one after years of marriage. It seems you are the one worrying here, not him. He does not look at this as an issue and hopes you don't either. Even after many years you will run out of exciting things to say. I would always vote for men who do rather than talk, because they are the ones who will stick through thick and thin. If you decide to marry him then you stop looking for underlying problems when there might not be any.
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