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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been struggling with inappropriate romantic feelings for a woman (I'll call her Jane) who is a classmate at university. The feelings are inappropriate because I love my wife and kid, are devoted to them, and have no desire to end my marriage. Yet, I am in danger of allowing these inappropriate feelings to consume me. Jane and I carry on a wonderful platonic relationship and both of us are fully aware of the boundaries of this relationship. But nothing is static in life, and there may be a time in the future when the door is open to explore a romantic relationship. I don't want to close that door or walk by it if it opens.Jane will be moving to another city in a few months to continue her graduate studies. While I do not want to jeopardize the current state of our relationship I am sure there is a spark between us that we have taken great pains to avoid acknowledging. Should I ask her to consider the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I had the same exact situation happen to me recently. I was living the most normal marriage and about to celebrate 23 years, when I met this lovely girl, 24 years younger, and we started chatting. She started to let her feelings about me known and I started to feel strongly atracted to her. I thought it was too good to be true and decided to end it, but then she came back with the news that she was really in love with me and, even though I know this is impossibe, I let it continue. My wife intercepted one of the last messages I sent her and got very angry and actually kicked me out of the house. I never got together with the girl in question, as it turns out she could never find the courage to be with me opposite all this that wa happening with my wife and family, and I found myself out there, all alone and sad because I had ruined my marriage for nothng, just a stupid platonic love affair.I think the best way to deal with this is to examine your marriage and find the things, little as they may be, that are missing and need repair, and perhaps with some professional help, deal with them. I know that with a history of 25 years (23 yrs marriage and 2 years courting) I could not have a bad thing in my hands. I have the two most wonderfull kids any parent can wish for and that is not a small feat. My wife has since calmed down and just yesterday forgave me and asked me to come back. I am very grateful that it was just platonc and that no real sex or any more intimacy happened, because it makes it easier fo rme to deal with this.I stopped the other affair completely altogether, as I understand what is important here is my marriage and the way to solve it and carry on.Marriage is not easy and a thing like this can only strengthen it if you deal with it honestly and morally, there is no other way around it. The right way to act is to do what is right. I found that to be the answer. I know this is maybe useless now but I wanted to share my story, so that everybody knows that it can be saved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): only ask her if you are 100% willing to loose your wife and child, there is not a woman on this earth that would stay around once you have strayed. please consider this before you act on it, because once you overstep that mark there is no going back. good luck. oh and remember that you love your family and what you feel for her is probably just lust!
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Only ask her if you are willing to give up on your life with your family. They will probably never forgive you. And you will probably never forgive yourself.
I feel for you, but unless you are 100% ceratin do not go there. Let her move away and then concentrate on your family.
I wish you luck in making this huge choice.xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2006): The last poster (#10) told me nothing that I already didn't know, and the finger wagging wasn't at all useful - I've been doing plenty of that to myself. But something else did help, and it came after meditating on that honest assessment I referred to in post #8. The heart of the matter was that I had lost my way, and that feeling of being lost had started years ago, years before meeting Jane.
It sounds trite, but Billy Joel saved me today. All these years I have been worried that my marriage was built on doubt and therefore a lie - a prospect that came to a head after meeting Jane and put me in a flat spin out to sea. But Joel's song was about love being built on trust, and that is exactly the answer. With trust, doubt can never defeat love and by extension a marriage. I can't begin to describe how the relief washed over me as I found the thing I had lost, that my marriage was built on trust. Billy Joel's song also described the kinds of lies that some relationships are built on. I could say that none of them applied to my marriage, and that trust still prevailed.
As a consequence of being back on track, the inappropriate feelings for Jane have finally gone away and I can continue to be the friend I always had intended to be. As long as I don't forget why I proposed to my wife in the first place, the seeds of doubt can never take root.
I am grateful to everyone who took the time to post in response to my question. If I ever find myself in the same place again, I'll know where to turn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2006): So sad...You are finding yourself bored with the 'realities' of marriage, family and committment. But what you share with your wife is something, many others find hard to achieve. I think you need to learn to appreciate the gifts that you have right under your nose. Marriage is tough, it's working together and committing to figuring out how to make things work even when it all seems impossible. It is realizing that you are not always going to have your way, that things are not always going to be happy, that you are going to have to be brutally honest with both yourself and your wife, and I think you are finding out, that you will sometimes learn things about yourself that you do not like. If you want to have and maintain a meaningful marriage, you'll have to change your attitude, your whole perspective and start exerting a lot of effort. It appears you have a habit of falling in lust, which is very ,very easy to do. But keeping marriage love alive and vibrant over the years is something else. All old marrieds will tell you, real love begins after you endure the challenges of raising family, the fighting, the difficulties, the hope and despair. After all this BS, you are still there for each other. Lust is just that...great sex but no meaningfulness...it's basicall short term release. Look at what you will give up, to have that. In marriage, you just don't fall in love and forget it. Marriage love needs to be nurtured and paid close attention to. The smart married couple knows this and takes steps to preserve their love. Forget about Jane and just focus on what you have at home...you'll never regret it.
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reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 Hi, I might be too late for this post but I wanted to chip in to say that you (being the person who asked the question) have given the best response yourself,
But just to say that one sentence really stuck out at me:
"I've had romantic feelings for others that would pass in a matter of days - I think this is natural..."
I would say that if you were madly in love with your wife this is NOT natural. On the other hand, if you were a 25 year guy with a girlfriend and are thinking of getting out of the relationship, then it would be normal. You seemed undecided about which one you were, and were probably heading towards the latter (and trying to dodge the fact that you have a wife and kid). I believe that Jane was merely the most attractive option of the possibilities your subconscious (and more recently conscious) mind was evaluating as a way out.
I am delighted you are now looking to find what is missing in your marriage, as that is the real issue.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): Thanks to all who have posted their replies. They have helped me to evaluate my priorities and to consider the impact of my potential actions on the ones that I love.First, I will say nothing to Jane because to say anything will saddle her with an emotional burden resulting from my own selfish needs. If one of my married friends got divorced then started pursuing me, I would always wonder if I was the reason for the failed marriage - what a horrifying prospect. I would never want a romantic relationship with that person because I would feel guilty all the time.Second, I need to honestly assess what is "missing" in my marriage that allowed me to sustain inappropriate romantic feelings for Jane in the first place. This has been the most serious test of my marriage, but, as long as I get over these feelings, there is hope that I can identify the "missing" part with my wife and we can deal with it to make our marriage stronger.
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reader, smeedle +, writes (10 March 2006):
 I have read your up date and think that you are more involved than you would let on, you do want a relationship with jane in the future if that is possible, but you are struggling with the loyalty and love you have for your wife.
If you and your wife split up, would you persue Jane, and would she want a relationship with you, you really do feel deeply for this woman and this is what is causing your conflict.
Thankfully she is moving away and if I was you I would leave it at that, keep in touch with her as little as possible or you tempt fate.
If you keep in touch and see her some day something which you both regret but may not be able to stop will happen between you and your lives will be changed for ever.
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reader, mystify +, writes (10 March 2006):
 i would say what your are doing is already an "emotional affair " you sayyou have romantic feelings for jane and you are thinking of being with her in the future, i dont think thatthat is wholey platonic and if your wife knew would she put up with it? you dont need sex to betray your wife and your vows, id say decide what you want and then stick to it , and ifthatis your wife then for the sake of your marriage i would let your friend go, a marriage cant survive when one is so close to someone they have romantic feelings for , the same goes for if you decide to pursue jane let your wife go and find the true happiness and devotion she obviously deserves (as you say she is so wonderful) you cant have both
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): I am the wife of a man who turned his platonic friendship into a love affair. I am in so much pain at times I hardly function. Of course he loves me, and is sorry, but our relationship is changed forever, I am married to a man who lies to women and deceives them.I will feel differently about him forever no matter how well we heal. If he had left he would have placed me in the position of being a single parent. He now knows that platonic friendships grow, he won't pursue any more, it would just hurt too much. Hurt both of us
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): Thank you Bev for the warning about the self-fulfilling prophecy. I've spent a great deal of time thinking about that prospect as I try to resolve these sometimes overwhelming emotions. In the past, I've had romantic feelings for others that would pass in a matter of days - I think this is natural and never caused me concern. In the case of Jane it's been almost six months (and counting) of an emotional experience I hope never to repeat as a married man. In a way I am looking forward to the time when Jane moves away, hoping for the prospect of relief and through her absence a way off this ride.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): Smeedle, thank you for your thoughtful reply. After re-reading my own post I can see how one might think I would consider having an affair with Jane. This is not the case.
Perhaps I should clarify what I meant by "possibility". In order for me to pursue such a relationship with Jane, I would have to no longer be married. Furthermore I wouldn't end my marriage to pursue Jane. I take the commitment to my marriage very seriously and have no desire to "screw it up".
I have a few other platonic relationships that I maintain over great distance, and I am sure that this one with Jane will be just as successful... except that I have never experienced such consuming romantic feelings for someone who is not my wife. For me, that's the rub. Furthermore, Jane let something slip when she "lamented" that to find the right man, she probably would need to be 15 years older... that is, my age. So, based on that comment, I think she is burying feelings for me as much as I am trying to bury mine for her.
I don't wish for the grass to be greener - it is as green as it gets, and I am so very lucky. On the one hand, if I can hold out for a few more months then Jane heads off to graduate studies none the wiser. On the other, I risk a platonic relationship in the pursuit of closure. Now that you have more information, does your response change?
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 The danger in considering a time when a relationship with this woman might become a possibility is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You allow yourself to fantasise about your new friend and what might happen between the two of you, and you suddenly find that your interest in your wife and the relationship you already have starts to wane. It's simple deduction, really, because the relationship you *can't* have is all fantasy. Only the delightful, aesthetically-pleasing imaginings bubble to the surface of that fantasy.
So while your real life might involve dealing with a wife who's stressed and exhausted from working and toilet-training your little one, your imagined life only includes long walks on the beach at sunset, discussing intimacies, melding your minds, taking long drives along a windswept coastline... and hot sex.
No real relationship can compare to that, and the contrast between the two will kill off what you have.
So, although it might feel like a missed opportunity, this is when you remind yourself of all the things you love about your wife and your lives together. And when you reflect on what oaths you gave her when you got married.
Sure, "nothing in life is static", but trying for more than a platonic relationship with your friend is not exactly standing still and letting the chips fall where they may; it's the most destructive way to harm your marriage.
Please consider your wife, and simply enjoy your friendship. Use what must be a certain dissatisfaction with your relationship as a reason to work out whatever aspects have gone stale for you.
And good luck!
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reader, smeedle +, writes (10 March 2006):
No you must not ask her to consider this, what you have with this woman is lovely, she sees you as a really close friend and to cross that boundary and make it anything else would be damaging for her, for your wife, kids and marriage.
Your wife trusts you with Jane and just think what it would do to her if you changed the realionship from friends to lovers.
When men and women are very close friends there is oftern a spark there as you are attracted to each other in the first instance that is why you make good friends, and then the friendship continues and your feelings for one another deepen into a kind of love, one that you would have for any close friend as you share problems and talk through things that maybe you dont discuss with your wife.
You get closer and this in itself is a form of intamacy without being sexual, you are mixing these feeling up and thinking that as she is moving away you are about to loose her and want to keep a part of her.
My advice is to enjoy her friendship for what it is and dont make it something it should not be or is not.
The thing is that if she has not felt the same and only sees you as a friend and then you mention chances of a romantic relationship in future you may loose the friendship as she may think you have not been an honest and true friend and have been secretly lusting over her.
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