A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a live in relationship for almost three years. I caught my partner last year emailing women while he was unemployed. I have tried to work through this mistake that he told me it was and he is home with me every night. I want to trust him however he will not let me see his private email account where he gets the great bulk of personal stuff as he has another one just for jobs where I have the password. He told me that I have no right to look at his emails as he thinks I'm controlling in that respect and the reason he hasn't proposed to me is tha he has debt and doesn't want me caught up in it. Please give me some advice on me trusting him and whether he is really worth it. He is 55yrs old.
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female
reader, Noodleness  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 It's hard, so, so difficult in these situations. Technology can be a beautiful, resourceful thing, but it often causes so many other problems that you wonder if it's worth it. In this day and age you're seen as strange or stone age if you dont use email, social networking sites or the internet in general, so we have to accept the fact it's not going anywhere.
Everyone deserves the right to privacy, but personally, (and I speak with experience, I was with some for four years who cyber-cheated CONSTANTLY)I think you also have the right to ask for proof he is no longer emailing these women. Everyone knows you cant be in a relationship without trust, and the only way you'll be able to trust him is by SEEING he is no longer in touch with anyone he shouldn't be. It also depends on what your boundaries are.
Dont sneak around, it gets you nowhere and is completely exhausting (try 4yrs of it!), ask him outright, "can you proove to me you're no longer emailing strangers?" Ask him to show you his inbox and sentbox, not for the password, so he still has control over that.
If he is decent, although he wont like it, he'll show you there and then. If he's not, and refuses or says he'll do it later (giving him time to delete things!) then he's hiding something. If thats the case then only you can decide what to do. If you can put up with the uncertainty and paranoia and not knowing, fine, stay. If you dont want to live like that then, well, I guess you know.
What I will also say is this, if he shows you, and you find nothing, let it go. You've asked him something he'll deem unreasonable, (although its not really given that he's proven himself to be untrustworthy in the past) and proves there's nothing there... thats it, there's nothing there. You cant go back every day and ask again, because the more you look, the more insane your brain will get. And the more you ask, the more you'll drive him to it. Of course it doesnt mean he wont do it again, but it means he hasnt been doing it since whenever the last messages in his inbox/sentbox were sent. So that should put your mind at rest.
Like I say though, if it doesnt and you have a sneaky suspision you wont be able to let this go... I'm afraid theres only one thing to do.
Hope this helped a little, even if just to realise you're not alone! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Firstly, if you really wanted to find out what is in his private email account you could. There are devices which you can purchase (search online) which can be attached to the computer and track key-strokes for example which would give you his password. That said, if you need to do that.... then you don't trust him and without trust (which is understandable given his previous behaviour) you don't really have a relationship. I have a feeling your doubts will grow not lessen and so I think you have to decide - do you want to find out what is in his emails and face the truth one way or another, or do you want to work at trusting him. Personally I would not trust a man that had already started online chats with women (though you do not say what these emails were like). Decide what is acceptable to YOU in a relationship and then take the necessary steps.
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A
female
reader, babyrlene  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 most probably he is keep things from you.. Try to keep a close eye on him these days, you might caught him red handed!! Good luck!
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