A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a high school teacher and has been emailing his advice to a student in regards to her life choices. She told him that she was thankful that she wasn't pregnant and now knows she is not straight, but instead is gay. He even recommended a beautiful Sarah Waters film produced by the BBC for her to watch and warned her that he would get in trouble if he told students about this film. It's about a lesbian love affair. The student also confessed to him that she really wanted to have a baby for which he counseled her to think carefully of her future and not to have a baby because it offers unconditional love. My husband keeps this hidden from me, for fear that I would disapprove. He would also accuse me of being jealous and accuse me of trying to make him look bad. He has said in the past that he would never jeopardize his job due to inappropriate behavior. He has another female student who sent him an email and teasingly referred to him by using the urban slang word for boyfriend. Odd, even if it is a joke. That's a little too familiar for me to think that is alright. My husband informs me that he is not allowed to be with a student alone, but also lets students know when he will be at school early before class and he often stays late working on projects with the students. He says that he is never alone with them, but I also wonder. From home, he once called a male student to coordinate some school equipment pick-up and when I mentioned that it was odd for a teacher to contact a student via cell phone, he bitterly remarked, "Sorry that you disapprove."Our own marriage is not on the rocks, we are child free, I'm good looking, love sex, have my own successful career, and we share hobbies and common interests together. I don't nag him, don't like to spend money and I keep him laughing all the time with my sense of humor. So all this probably has to do with him and has little to do with me much like his secret love for online porn when he is home alone. I'm afraid if he slips up in school though, he might end up getting hauled off in hand cuffs one day. On the other hand, it may not ever amount to anything other than his own personal titillation and fantasy. It makes me uncomfortable and I am unable to talk to him about it. You don't see me lusting after other younger men. I once pulled up a photo of a hot nude guy and he asked me to not look at that in his presence! So, I suppose that means behind the back is okay then. I start to think that this just reflects your everyday normal behavior for guys - lusting after females as long as they don't act on it. That's how men get away with it, I suppose. You can't stop what people fantasize about and men will be the first one to tell you that they are just hard wired that way, so get over it.What boggles my mind is that I start to regret my own choice in a mate because I see how we are not a fit or a match for each other when it comes to these kind of issues. In my list of admirable characteristics for a husband, this kind of behavior does not make the list. It's a turn off. We've been together for over 20 years and maybe he is going through his own male crisis. Young women who adore him, would make him feel young again and he can feel worshipped and powerful I guess. Who knows. He'd deny it if I confronted him about it. I used to make him feel that way when we first met, but I grew up. It sickens me to think that this may break us apart when we have shared so much of our lives together. Worried, depressed and oppressed . . . . What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): What you say isn't enough to prove he is looking for a reprovable relationship with the students but rather that he takes his job very seriously, maybe makes a snow of zeal, it is true. Do you fear he would cross the boundaries of an appropriate student-teacher relationship? It seems he is close to both female and male students. This is a good sign I reckon because he can't be accused that he grants special favours to female students. He might as well be a devoted teacher (and a helpful person in general?) that pokes his nose into every corner looking to be of help to the apprentices and to be seen as a good leader of the herd. As I said, this may be a little too much from his behalf but let's take a peek at the reasons. This behaviour can indicate that your marriage is unwell so he focuses on his work, maybe too much, to be distracted from a troubled marriage. You can explain that you don't disagree to the relationship (with the students) for the relationship itself but rather because it steals from the time that can be dedicated to your marriage and solving possible conflicts that have sprung here and there, in order to improve what you have. On the other hand if he likes children and regrets you don't have any this may be his way to "spend" his paternal talents. However the school should have a counsellor to whom the students can restort to in order to discuss their problems so you may tell your husband to rest at the thought the students can seek out for the assistance of a professional when he is unavailable to answer them. Meanwhile you can think of more pleasant and healthy ways to spend your time together.You grew apart because of other problems, too. He feels you don't understand him and seems to have resigned to this (saying he is sorry that you disapprove but not looking for a solution that pleases both of you). It can also be that you forwent commenting on your relationship because of bitter scenes that have ocurred and a negative conclusion is always anticipated at this point. E.g., you don't discuss an issue because you anticipate you won't reach a fortunate conclusion. I think you should relinquish the old ideas and at least seem unhostile to his choices and the behaviour towards the students if you want to catch him in the wrong. If he opens up to you and you become the friend with whom he can discuss his private matters and how he enjoyed helping a certain student today, then you might be less worried, depressed and opressed tomorrow. You may not catch him in the wrong but discover new things about each other, hopefully pleasant. Both of you should lower the guard though, and you may achieve this and much more by a wise approach to the matter.All the best.
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