A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some advice and honest opinions.How do you feel about ex's keeping in touch with each other? What's the reason they feel the need to stay in touch?My boyfriend of 6 months still keeps in touch with his ex who he was with for over 2 years. After telling him a couple of months ago that I was worried about their often contact with each other and that I wasn't really okay with it, they still talk sometimes. Even though he says he's over her and doesn't want her back.This girl cheated on him, lied to him a lot, and lead him on towards the end of their relationship. She didn't want to be with him anymore. This is the girl my boyfriend claims to be his first love and real girlfriend. I'm still worried and confused. I do wonder why they still want to talk and how often they talk. I want to ask my bf when the last time they talked was and if they are still in regular contact. Should I talk about this ex thing again with my bf, or just let it go? What should I say to him? Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2013):
 My take on this:
IF you have children with an ex you need to remain in contact and you need to be civil and friendly for the sake of the children.
IF you have no children together, and there is nothing to bind you to each other (such as shared custody of a beloved pet which is what I have now) there is NO NEED to be in touch in any way shape or form with an ex.
I think that folks that say they are "friends with an ex" and actually keep in touch on a regular basis (esp if they are the one initiating the contact) are folks that have not really worked through the end of the relationship and are holding on to make themselves feel better about the end of a relationship OR they are still attached to an ex that broke up with them and they can't let go.
I talk to my first husband as needed.. and when our kids were little that was a lot.. now with the kids fully grown I rarely have any contact with him at all... but when we do talk we are very civil almost friendly. I do occasionally speak to his wife.
I saw my other ex husband over the weekend... my current husband saw me hug him and say hello and give him a kiss and he didn't bat an eye.. mostly because he knows that while i did not leave him, I am over the relationship and I keep no secrets from him (the current spouse)
IF you feel your BF is hiding something, and you are not a jealous suspicious, insecure person by nature, then trust your judgement.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 November 2013):
 When a guy has two girls who are putting out for him... he usually keeps his mouth shut... not speaking to either (girl) about the other.....
That is likely what you have here.... Do you want it to continue? If "yes," then proceed as you have. If "no," then tell "boyfriend" that you think his contact with his ex- is inappropriate.... and as long as he chooses to continue it... he needs to find another "girlfriend"... because YOU won't have it....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Yes, your feelings are important about this; because you gave up dating all other guys to be his girlfriend. If talking to him again and again hasn't helped. Not only is he wasting your time; he is hurting your feelings.If you have stopped privately contacting other guys to be exclusively with him; it's time he prove his commitment to you.He hasn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend. If his contact with her is excessive; that's pretty much an indication he hasn't completely moved on. If it's several times a day, or many times throughout the week. That's a lot.When there are many years of separation between exes, there isn't much more than friendship remaining. There is a definitive line between their past history, and your ongoing relationship. They should behave as regular friends would. Unless they have kids together. Contact should be infrequent or irregular. You should feel included, not excluded.Communications should be exposed and accessible to current partners. No secrets. Confidential matters, such as health and family issues, are exceptions. However; you should be respected as a committed couple, keeping exceptions few.If you have calmly expressed your discomfort about it several times, and he has ignored you. That isn't a good sign. The point being, you shouldn't have to.If he finds it hard to limit his contact, you can consider that he isn't over her. If he sneaks behind your back to keep contact going. You may have to offer him a serious ultimatum. She shouldn't be more important to him than you.Don't stick around being the second-rate girlfriend, pleading for him to stop contacting his ex.She "was" (past-tense) his first,... blah blah blah. Well, you are his present. He can't have two girlfriends.Develop the strength to leave; when guys don't treat you right, or they'll walk allover you. He has to prove his loyalty, in order to earn your full trust. You shouldn't be sharing him with another woman. You have to be the one and only, if he wants you to commit.He wouldn't like you spending all your free-time chatting with other guys. Ask him, how he would feel about that?Try to compromise. "You" decide what you consider comfortable for "you." Stand your ground.If it's not up for compromise; then you have to move on to find someone who doesn't have "ex" issues. Put your foot down. End your worry and confusion. You're not the the third-wheel. She is.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 November 2013):
There's no need to repeat yourself, he already knows you don't like it.
You're just going to have to trust him (assuming he's always been trustworthy). If he cheats, leave him.
Or, you can leave him because you don't like them talking together. But, some exes are perfectly capable of just being friends.
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A
female
reader, Juliene  +, writes (19 November 2013):
My ex husband was/is in touch with all his ex´s,and whatever I did he didnt care what I did say.He still talks with them.Even his ex wife that cheated on him,he still looking for her all the time in the computer.She doesnt want to talk with him anymore.
MY OPPINION is : they still hoping to have something back,and they can not let it go.
Someone that loves and cares for you wants YOU,and dont care about anyone else. IF you have any doubt,any bad feelings,and bad intuition....let him go. Go after someone that wants YOU and is present in your relationship.
( a girl beleives in words,but a woman wants prove of love).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): I believe the reason most ex keep in touch is because they still have unresolved feeling and some sort of attachment. If he continues to keep in touch after you expressed your unhappiness, then I am afraid his ex means more to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): You could tell him, that you are ok with him keeping in contact with his ex, but so that there is no confusion or cause for you to worry, you would like him to tell you when he contacts her, and tell you anything that they discuss that you should know. Tell him you trust him to always honour and respect your relationship. It really is up to what YOU want in your life. There is no right or wrong answer to what you can ask from him. Similarly, it is up to him if he wants to put your relationship as much more important than his exes or friends or family...or whatever.Listen to your own feelings, and know what you need. I would not like my bf to be in contact with an ex that was quite recent more often than occasionally. I would not understand it, and would need convincing to be comfortable with it. I will always break any communication with an ex if a bf asks me to, out of respect for their feelings and the relationship. They are exes, not best friends, they no longer have a priority. My ex WAS my best friend, but out of respect for his new relationship, and mine, we stopped communication. That is my opinion, and how I feel about it. That is what works for me.
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A
female
reader, fat hen  +, writes (19 November 2013):
why should you let go that topic. I dont think he would appreciate if you did the same thing to him.dont quarrel. Or shout. Your motto isnt to make things worse but your motto is to find out what is really going on
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A
female
reader, fat hen +, writes (19 November 2013):
if you want to know about their conversation you could ask him to call her up infront of you and put the phn on speaker so you can hear what she says and tell him not to mention your presence so that she doesnt get on guard.and if he refuse there is something fishy.
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