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anonymous
writes: Hello there, Im nearing 16 and finishing school this month. However, Im am very much still undecided as what I wish to do with my life, yet we have had to choose A-Levels and talk of University is already arising and all my friends know what they want to do and where they want to go. I also have lost my father 4 years ago and feel that I cant talk to anyone that much about it because my mother and I keep fighting - getting undereach others feet. Im just not ready to go off in 2 years and begin my working life. I want to be sure ill be happy too.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 May 2006):
 Lets address one issue at a time.
You and your Mum fighting. Is your Mum still grieving for your Dad, she may not show it but she might be finding it hard to be both parents to you. Parenting is hard enough when there are two parents around never mind just one! Please cut her a little slack too, remember as well as being your mum she is a person in her own right with needs, wants, hopes and dreams too. Try to show her that you appreciate her a little (just a bunch of flowres or a bar of chocolate or a cup of tea without being asked) Tell her that you love her and tell her that you miss your Dad. If you try to make this effort she may realise she has been a little wrapped up too. Be a mature man and make the first move. It may be hard (and quite frankly you may want to scream at her!!) but try to show you love her with words and actions, no matter how annoying she is.
Second problem. Chose your A levels and stop worrying about what you want to do when you *grow up*. I will give you a little bit of advice from experience. VERY FEW people know what they want to do when they *grow up*. I did my A levels after my O'levels and then went to work as a carer for two years. THEN I went into nurseing at 21. Now I am 35 and halfway through yet another degree course so I can change careers in mid-stream as it were. What you may want to do now might not be what you wnat to do when you are 21 or 35 for that matter!!
Really, you don't have to have any solid plans set in stone. And anyway why would you want to limit your horizons....you have a whole wonderful life ahead with so many things to chose form!
2 years is a very long time honey. Please just concentrate on the here and now. I think you are feeling the loss of your Dad very acutely and I feel very strongly you need to reach out to your family for help at this time. Is there anybody you can talk to at school about your worries? Please please please try to talk to your mum. You would probably find she would be horrified if she thought you couldn't confide in her and tell her how you feel.
Please reply if you want to chat some more.
xxx
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 May 2006):
 When I was at school at 16 I had no idea at all what I wanted to do! None! So I stayed at school and did A-levels (just general ones), and still didn't know. So I applied to a university because I thought the course looked fun. Then I took a gap-year off between school and university and changed my mind and changed courses to study philosophy. I studied philosophy because I thought it would be a good degree for someone who didn't know what to do :) It was, in a way, though it didn't help me decide what I wanted to 'do'.
After that I got a job by accident (friend of a friend), and have been working doing different and interesting stuff ever since. And still i don't really know what I want to do. I probably never will.
In fact, I think I know very few people who really know what they want to do. Most people just do what they feel like at the time, and keep their eyes open for interesting opportunities.
Honestly, don't worry about having 'the answer', just study the subjects you find interesting and do whatever you feel like. Choose a university (if you decide to go) that you want to go to because the course sounds interesting and also because the place sounds interesting. Don't worry about knowing what you want to do afterwards, it's really not that important.
At the end of the day, we're just tiny ants clinging to a piece of rock flying through space, who can really say what we should or shouldn't be doing? Having fun and being real along the way is much more important than where you are going. If you read any Eastern philosophy you'll find this idea comes up very often: 'Its not the destination that counts, but the journey'. In other words, don't worry about knowing where you are going, just focus on enjoying the scenery along the way.
As for fighting with your mother. That's VERY normal for a 16 year old, let alone for you who lost your father not long ago. I fought so much with my mother when I was 16 she threatened to throw me out the house many times. Luckily she never did. But now we get on just fine. You'll find that she'll be much easier to get on with when you don't live at home and she's not always intefering in your stuff (something that mothers just can't stop themselves doing usually). There is something that will help you, but it's very difficult to do. Wait until you are in a good mood and then go find her and give her a hug and tell her you love her and that she's a great mum (yes, not easy to do). You'll find that if you do that the fights will not be as bad and she'll be happier, and you'll probably be a bit happier too. And remember that its really ok for men to cry, especially when they hug their mothers. In fact, its much braver to cry than not to.
One last thing. If you really can't decide on a course to do, I recommend psychology. Psychology courses tend to be about 75% girls, and they want to do lots of talking :) You may not learn that much, but its a great way to meet girls. Which is of course the real reason to go to university.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2006): I'm in the same boat as far as school is concerned. I'll be graduated in a month, and I still don't know what I want to do. I have a vague idea of what sort of fields I'd like to go into, though. You have to figure out what's important to you and what can pay the bills. Don't do something you hate just because it gets you lots of money. You have to be happy in your life. Even still, you and I are both young, so if we don't like something we get into, it's never too late to change it. Right now I plan to attend a community college and finish my generals so I can have more time to figure out what I want to do. If you want some career ideas you can go to www.mncis.intocareers.org to search for careers. It's a Minnesota-based website, but it gives national statistics and very thorough information on many careers. You'll need a username and password to get into it, so you could use my school's if you want. The username is "champlin" and the password is "rebels". I hope this helps you to narrow your path. I know this is a hard time in anyone's life.
As for your parent situation, I don't know offhand what that's like, but my boyfriend's father is in jail right now (for life), and I know that it's hard on my boyfriend. You have to learn to open up to your mom and hopefully she'll open up to you too. You're both stressed and that's why you get into arguements with each other. Just talk to her. You're her son, so I'm sure she'll listen.
I'm very sorry for your situation. I hope everything works out okay for you. I wish you the best of luck!
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female
reader, i-love-you +, writes (2 May 2006):
 hey! i know how you fell with the whole mother thing! my mom bithched at me this mourning for saying ummhum insted of yes! but anyway! it would be good to go to colleg or university, you get to live on your own and meet new people, and what do you really want to do, once you know that then you will be happy doing that for the rest of your life, and after school you can take a break and you wont have to worry and have some fun, and it will take awhile to find a job and you will be happy when you do, espically if youlike your job!
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