A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey i am 22 almost 23. I have a friend that is 40 and i know he has strong feelings for me. I'm starting to have feelings for him too. Would it be out of the question to start a relationship with him? He's seperated with an 18 and an 11 year old son. I would worry about my family and what they would say as they are quite conservative. Please express your opinions!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, loveistheanswer  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 The age difference is too much for a lifetime relationship. If you're looking for short-term fling that's different, but not good for long-term. YOu're in completely different phases of you life, (he already has children!) and if you married this guy he would die way sooner than you, it's not fair to you to live without companionship in all the oldest days of your life. In the older man younger woman relationship I think it's mostly the men who get benefits and ladies get the short end of the stick, the guy gets a younger woman for the rest of his life and he does not have to live alone in his last years, but the woman gets all the opposite of that. Look for someone younger, if you love and value yourself at all.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Amen,Dear Jilly.
It is so easy to forget that opposites attract... and similarities carry you on. Love brings to you very strange bedfellows some times : people half your age, twice your age,with contrasting political views, totally different values,totally different ideas about sex or money or child raising etc.... At first that may be a plus, it makes everything more intense and interesting, - but , how long the fellows are gonna stay in the bed ,that's another story. Fair or not, that's what statistics show.
If you want to take a chance, by all means do- but remember, it is a chance, not a guarantee. And it's not even like " well anything in life is a gamble, even taking a bus is a gamble because you cannot know if you'll reach your destination ". Here the odds are clearly stacked against you.
I think this is what your parents could be worried about, and it's not just because they are "conservative ". If you date this guy and they express concern , reassure them the best you can about the strength of your (and his ) feelings, and the stability of your ( and his ) intentions, but don't be
confrontational or annoyed , their concern is only natural.
Also, he is separated, so technically you would be dating a still married man, and honestly if I were your parent, I would not like that one bit. Perhaps it would be better if you postpone any official introduction till when he is divorced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Well that depends on whether you're considering just dating or building a long-term relationship with him. The former, may be your parents might raise their eyebrows, I know I would, for many reasons. And one of them being ' he's separated' now that is not divorced with cleared emotional baggage, that is still technically married, with an option for he and his wife to re-kindle their relationship. I am NOT being negative I'm just telling you as it is, the facts built around what you've said, and alerting you to issues you may not have thought of, as often we don't think of these things when emotionally involved. It can take a logical, practical distant eye to SEE what may have been missed.
From your parents point of view, they would probably be concerned first off, why a 40 year old man would be considering a relationship with a girl, young female who was only 2 years older than his son. The obvious answer id ' physical attraction' you will be in the best physical shape at your age, and very appealing to the opposite sex from 18-80, but that does not mean than long-term you and this man have any REAL solid foundations to build a relationship on.
Already he has experienced marriage and brought up two children, which will have extended his emotional growth over a 22 year old who has not lived through this.
If you are ONLY thinking about dating this guy for a while, with no intentions of wanting a typical 'conventional relationship' where you would ideally fall in love and end up living together, and may be becoming a mother yourself, as I presume at 22, that is something you would like, if a relationship followed the normal pattern.
So if this last scenario is in YOUR mind, you need to seriously think about this. Coming back to your parents for just one minute, they obviously wouldn't want their daughter falling madly in love with a guy, who has no intentions of marriage again ( frankly, not even divorced he is unlikely to be emotionally ready) or wanting children. Now looking at that, you can already see the huge gap and divide in life goals for a long term relationship.
As an Agony Aunt, it's my responsibility to pose such situations to the OP in an effort to encourage them to consider options or consequences of their decisions.
For a long-term relationship it is vital for the two people be NEAR in age, usually men are older by about 5 years on average, to have similar life experiences, era you're born in, similar family background, core values on life and the same relationship goal are the same. Statistics show this is the most successful pairing for marriages long-term, they seem to survive the best when the going gets tough.
This man also has children, and as he's not divorced, it could be tricky building a friendship with the 18 year old, turn this around, suppose it was your Dad, and he brought home a 20 year old girl for you to meet as a potential partner. It often helps to think about these things when we put ourselves in the shoes of those we would be attempting to bridge gaps with.
I hope I have given you lots of food for thought, as that is what we're here for, even IF the advice is not what we want to hear.
Let us know what you decide in the end, but whatever, I wish you happiness.
Jilly
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