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female
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*utensweet
writes: I'm 14 and my boyfriend is 16 and I really love him. We've been together for a while and I really want to lose my virginity to him. I'm really scared about the consequences though. I dont want to end up pregnant. I'm not on the pill and I'm not going to tell my mom about wanting to lose my virginity so I won't be on the pill. Of course he will wear a condom but it's still risky. I really want to lose my virgiinty to him and we've done stuff already, just haven't made that final step to sex. We talk about it and he wants to do it too, but it just hasn't happened. I'm scared because I don't want to let him down and I'm scared about how bad it will hurt... I don't want him to think that he's hurting me and he's really good about asking if I'm ok and if I want him to stop when were doing other stuff. I know that he will be OK with whatever I decide and I really do want to lose it to him; I'm just scared about the pain and what he will think about me afterwards. I'm only 14 and I've never used to dildo or anything.. I've been fingered before but that's it.. Will I be able to take the pain and how long will it hurt after? And will I bleed?
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condom, dildo, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): well i think that you are way too young to be thinking about that!
A
female
reader, ferraro-lisa +, writes (7 March 2006):
hmmm. it depends how big he is and that will tell you how much you bleed, also the pain does go quite quickly just have a bith str8 after but only in water, getting the pill is confidential so your mum will not know. just be careful on your decision only you know wat you want.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 At 14 you are to young and what you are considering is ileagal and known as stautory rape (at least in the UK). Make do with heavy petting until you are a little more emotionally mature. For both your sakes.
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A
female
reader, wnabe_ctygrl +, writes (4 March 2006):
your not ready, your too young, you are going to cause relationship problems wit you bf, and your future bfs. you may become pregnant, do you want to take that risk?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2006): I lost my virginity at 16 and i wish i never didnt i wasnt in a long term relationship it was just was a relationship and i let things go too far. 14 is a very young age to be starting a sexual relationship....you should wait until you feel completely ready for that type of relationship. its said that your first 3 times hurt the most well...my first time was so painful that once the guy was just about to push himself inside of me fully, i had to push him off. wheres in the relationship i am in now i felt completely comfortable with my bf that it didnt hurt at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): I lost my virginity at 14 and I am now about to be 16. I have stopped having sex, because sex as a teen complicates things. Trust me I wish I could take it back. Don't do it. If he loves you he'll wait.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 February 2006):
 First of all, it doesn't sound like you're actually *ready* to have sex with your boyfriend. Yet.
Think about what you've written: you're scared of pregnancy, you're scared of the first-time pain, you're worried about bleeding, you don't feel confident enough about things to enlist the help of your mum to get reliable contraception, and the comment that stands out to this reader: you "don't want to let him down".
Until you're over all those fears, you'll find that sex with anyone is going to be one massive letdown. Orgasm isn't guaranteed for girls and even pleasure is probably going to be iffy on your first time. Chances are, that your 16-year-old partner is going to last a few minutes at best, and isn't experienced enough to make it memorable for you, beyond discomfort. Sadly, that's just a common female experience of first-time sex. (It does get better over time, thankfully!)
With all those arguments "against" and damned little argument "for", you might want to do a bit of introspection and ask yourself, "Why am I in such a hurry to lose my virginity right now?"
Are you concerned that your boyfriend "expects" sex, and that you might lose his attention if you don't take the next step? If so, you wouldn't be the first. That's a common fear among young women. But think about this: if he's only hanging around because he wants to have sex with you (and implies he'll leave if you don't), then it isn't YOU he loves; it's just your potential as a sex partner.
If you do have confidence that your boyfriend really loves you, and that sex isn't the goal of his interest, then why are you trying to rush headlong into something that isn't necessary right now, and clearly frightens you?
My suggestion is to take you time, really take your time with your boyfriend. Enjoy all the "other stuff" that you've been doing, and don't feel compelled to have full-on sex simply out of curiosity about what it's like -- which is my suspicion about why you want to.
When you do eventually have sex, make sure that you want to do it with your whole being, that you're really ready, and that you feel like nothing stands in your way. Make sure you've got back-up contraception. Go somewhere where you can take your time, getting to know each others' likes. That way, you can at least enjoy it without too much anxiety.
For your information, and in very general terms, here are my (personal experience) answers to the questions you've asked.
It's unlikely to be "painful", unless you're a very small woman and he has a very large penis. I'd characterise the sensation as more like discomfort, the way a muscle feels when it hasn't been stretched. First-time sex hurts a bit, but the discomfort usually subsides after a few minutes. Remember when you're thinking about it, that babies' heads can travel through a vagina, so a penis isn't really such a challenge.
How long it's likely to hurt depends on how long (and energetically) you had sex, whether you had lots of lubrication and other factors. You might be sore for a few hours, or a few days.
A lot of girls do bleed on their first time, but it's not always the case. Usually it's a small bit of blood from the breaking of the hymen, provided you still have one. And lots of young women don't, simply because of physical activity.
However, before you worry overmuch about those issues, you need to be sure that you feel completely ready for sex (and not just duty-bound or guilted into it). Then you need to make sure that you have at least 2 forms of contraception. I suggest that you look up Women's Health in your phone book and see if there's a Planned Parenthood clinic nearby or similar, where you can speak to someone about a suitable contraceptive method for you. You don't need to necessarily go on the Pill (it's not the best option for everyone), and you very likely don't need your parents' consent to get contraception.
Last thought: if you're mature enough to be having sex with someone, you need to be mature enough to plan to do so responsibly.
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