A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My ex and I had a very messy break-up almost a year ago. I'm struggling to get over it as I thought he was the One and he led me to believe that we had a future together, even telling me he loved me and saw a future for us three days before he left me!He was with someone when I met him (I know I should've avoided him) and it appears he's done to me what he did to his ex with me, that is lined someone up rather than face his own demons and sorting out whatever it is he wants as he seems unable to commit.He even used the same speech he gave to his ex to me! As soon as I mentioned commitment and I was also having a hard time with things, he didn't seem able to cope with the reality of a relationship - ie there will be hard times sometimes where you need to support your partner - it's not always like it is in the beginning.Anyway I realise now he has many issues that he likes to inflict on others rather than face by himself. Although the things he said to me, ie that it was nothing and we didn't really fall in love (which is rubbish) seem to be a tool to convince himself more than anything but his words have damaged my self-esteem.Problem is I have to work closely with him and see him all the time which is making it very hard to get over him. Has anyone else worked with their ex? Does anyone have any advice in coping with it?I've really tried not to contact him at work unless I have to....It's extra hard as i feel like i get mixed signals from him and it almost feels like Finally in December I met with him and finally had my say as he'd refused to meet me to talk it out before then. He was really overly and unusually friendly to me after that and I was a bit puzzled by that.Then on Valentine's weekend, my phone rang and it was him - I answered but no-one spoke - I sent a text about an hour later and replied straight away saying he'd called me by mistake as his phone was unlocked in his pocket. I thought this was strange as he hasn't called me in nearly a year, I'm puzzled why he still has my number and it's not like I'd be the last dialled and my name begins with an intial quite far into the alphabet so it would be quite difficult to call me by mistake.Anyway I thought about this and decided to take control. I thought if he had phoned me and then lost his nerve so hung up then I felt like just say something or leave me alone - so I asked him nicely to delete my number from his phone as I needed to put him behind me once and for all as after all he wants me to be with another man doesn't he...He didn't take this well and was quite mean about it and ever since then has been very cold and is barely even answering my work emails now which isn't too professional. Even snapped at me on the work phone the other day too! I'm just being normal as I don't feel it's a big deal for me to ask him to delete my number as he doesn't call and if he wants me to be with someone else which clearly he does, then I want to avoid 'accidents' like that phonecall as it messes with my head.It feels like he doesn't like the control being taken away from him but I don't get why it has seemed to bother him so much! He seems very immature about it - surely if hes over me and happy then as he cared for me for two years (I know I didn't imagine how happy we were after all) surely he'd say that he wants me to find a man who will love me and make me happy...It's like he's covinced himself we were something completely different to what we were (he even said we were subconciously pretending to have more in common than we had!) and hates me for refusing to believe his self-justification denial!Anyone got any advice?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I think that 30-35 is not old and it's not as if there's a self-esteem shop that you can just go and buy from now is there. Easier said than done getting over someone.
In addition I'm at the same company because I have a very good job - better than his in fact.
Finding a good man seems easier said than done too! I thought I had one at last but obviously not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): It does sound like he has a reaccuring problem. Listening to your thinking though, I can see you might be putting to much into all this, making it worse then what it should be.
Remember for every action, there is a reaction. This is what I sense in some of the things you said above.
There is nothing you can do for him, but so much you can do for yourself. If he is unwilling to express his true feelings, and only use sound bites, then your options are limited in seeing the facts as they are, that it is him that has caused your pain, and that you allowed it. When he says something that feels like he is stepping on your toes, you need to stand your ground and protect your feelings. How you respond means the difference of getting respect or continuing the drama. If your response tells it like it is, such as the solid truth of the matter is revealed, this will probably click a few brain cells, and he will know your right. Over time, his attitude will change for the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Hi there! He is a narcissist. He gets pleasure from feeling he controls other people's happiness. He gives you "permission" to find someone who will make you happy while enhoying the fact that he has an effect on you and can keep you on the edges of his life preventing you from moving on. He collects the attentions of women because he uses them to judge his masculinity and prowess.
He probably brags to himself that he "could if he wanted to"; get you back that is. This sort of bloke is not worth the trousers he stands in as far as having a relationship goes. He has groomed you into this position where he can refer back to you any time he wants a thrill or needs a boost. Doesn't the fact that you have concurred make you a bit mad angry? You are in his trap, otherwise you wouldn't be doing all this thinking about a waste of energy.
Maybe you think he must be deluding himself and loves you really. Maybe you can't cope that he has done this to you as well, when you felt quite complimented that he left another for you once. Now you feel like you are nothing special after all and that must be a bad feeling. As well as not true.
What I write sounds bad but it would not matter if you were Venus de Milo or whoever, this problem he has is not about you at all whatsoever. Neither though is it your job to somehow help or fix him. You can't he doesn't want you to and why should you. Stop focussing on him and think of you. Why stay in the same company all this time later. You should be well over him by now but staying there has kept you in his reach and in his control if he want to pull your cord.
Says on your profile that you are 30 to 35. You are wasting time. Get some help getting over him, get some self esteem, make a list of what you want in a man and stick to it. Actually get help weeding out the bad guys, they are n't always easy to spot especially when you have been burned as you have. If you want children and a family you are wasting time.
He is taking years of your life that should be spent fulfilling yourself. Stop mulling over your navel and wondering whether there is fluff in it! Go girl, find a good man. Time is going by, start noticing that, don't be depressed about it, be realistic. I wish someone had said that to me once then I could have had two kids instead of one but I wasted time on a stupid man. Time is so important, so very important and precious.
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