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female
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anonymous
writes: dear cupidI have been in a relationship with a lovely guy for the last year. Things have always been good between us, he has a very demanding work load which has seemed to double over the last few weeks. We dont live together, but manage to see each other between his shifts usually. But these last few weeks have been a nightmare, we see each other once a week. We keep in touch via txt messages, but even they have been few and far between.I talked to him about it, and said that i understood it was no ones fault, but he said it would pass and sometimes he dosent text me cuz he has fallen asleep. A couple of times recently we have had the chance to go away for the weekend, but he cancelled them once cuz of finances and the other was the weather. But when his mates suggest a weekend at a music festival, he is there, no ifs buts, he gets a ticket.I was supposed to see him last night, but then he said he was going to visit family for a presentation of some kind, i know it was important to him, but when i said i thought i was seeing him, his reply was well i was til this came up. deep down i know he isnt trying to hurt me i think he is just being a bit thoughtless. I know he loves me, and he has taken on my children, but i kind of feeling a little 2nd best at the moment. I can be quite insecure, having been cheated on in the past, and so at the moment im feeling as though the relationship has gone down hill and worry that he is gonna be used to not seeing all week and prefer it that way.I can usualy talk to him about anything, but i feel as though if i say anything he will think im nagging at him, i dont want to lose him. Maybe im feeling a little sorry for myself or something. I know that cuz of my insecurities i worry more than i need to.Any one have any advice pleasethanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): I too was in a similar situation with a guy I dated for only 3 months. I know it was still early days but I also know the difference between a man who is besotted by you and a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. He had a business plenty of time for his mates and he would slot me into to his agenda like an appointment till I started to pull back and showed him that I too had a busy life even if it mean exaggerating it a little to make it sound exciting. When I did that he started offering me a option of dates, but like you the calls were less and the text msgs not as sweet and few and far between. I told him I needed time out to think things through and a week later after doing lots of reading I realised that I wasn't going be in a pseudo-relationship (fake) where you are in a relationship pysically, just not mentally and emotionally, always have to watch his life as an outsider feeling like I was some kind of disease. I was conditioned being brought up with low self esteem I'm never going to waste my precious time with someone who doesn't make me feel the way I deserve. One thing I've learn't is that relationships get harder with time not easier. You both have to work at it and it makes it a job with unpaid overtime when you're doing the majority on your own. Allow yourself the time to meet someone you derserve. Suggestion: Watch 'The Secret' DVD to help you get on a positive thinking trail.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2005): I know exactly how you're feeling! My ex boyfriend used to do that to me all the time! Whenever we scheduled a day together it would somehow be cancelled due to 'extended working hours' or some other thing that happened to crop up. There would be weeks where he'd stop texting me or contacting me whatsoever. This would drive me insane, fearing the worst. Whenever I contacted him, he'd seem totally oblivious to there being a problem. In a space of 10 weeks he only managed to see me 7 times! And yet, he always appeared to be out with his friends almost every second day!
I finally plucked up the courage and confronted him. I discovered that he didnt want to be in a relationship and was happier being single but wanted us to remain friends. I was completely torn, as we've dated 18 months before and have known each other for over 14 years!
Hopefully this wont apply to you. I suggest that you bite the bullet and just tell him exactly how you feel. You never know, he probably wasn't aware of how hurtful his behaviour was towards you. And if he truly cared for you, he'd try his best to make amends. Just please dont make the mistake as I've done and keep holding onto a relationship that didnt even exist.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (30 June 2005):
I agree that he isnt trying to be nasty, hes just thoughtless, but you need to think of yourself. If you had only been seeing each other a few months, I would say this behaviour is ok, but a year long relationship deserves more time and effort to be put into it. Tell him how unhappy you are and try to reach a compromise ie; seeing each other more regularly. if he refuses to co-operate, I would seriously think about hether you want to be with this man or not.
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