A
female
age
51-59,
*ndoubt1972
writes:I need someone to tell me if I did the right thing although I feel in my heart I did!I recently left my husband of 6 yrs and moved to another state, rented a house and got a job! He works construction so his work takes him everywhere and he loves the bars! After catching him in several lies early on in our relationship, he would tell me that he kept information from me because he didn"t want to hurt me, and being my first marriage I let it go, because I loved him so much!After I packed up everything and left my home state to go with him, I found myself always in this situation... me being at home taking care of my daughter and his from previous marriage... and him in another city saying he was turning in for the night, and finding out he was at the bar ( spending alot of money I might add).Many lies and many arguements later I would end up letting it go.His last trip was a 4 month job I caught him in several lies about not having reception, not answering phone calls after a certain time, saying he was going to bed and once again finding out he was at the bar with his friend he was staying with! Well his friends wife called me one night saying he didnt show up to their house and there was a woman ( she gave me her name) whois after him! I asked him if he knew this woman and he said he didnt know her! When he would come home on weekends he would turn off his phone, clear text... all of the above.One night he left his phone in the kitchen so I checked and he had cleared incoming and forgot to clear outgoing mail. The number was under a guys name, but when I called it, it was the woman he told me he didn't know, saying he's going without and I miss you girl and so on. After numerous fights with me begging him to tell me the truth, he would say he never cheated with that woman! Six months later after trying to forgive I left! BTW...when I tried to text and call the woman, she blocked me! He tells his family he never messed with her...I feel in my heart he did and got tired of fighting! Does this make me a quitter?
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female
reader, Indoubt1972 +, writes (11 January 2011):
Indoubt1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the great answers! I questioned myself because he told me I was a quitter and always depressed! I was fine before I met him other then the normal stresses, but in that relationship I found myself always sad and angry! Constantly stressing to the point I would get sick.
Last night my daughter told me she noticed I was smiling more,
which was a nice feeling! It has been 1 1/2 months since we left and my husband has been in the same bar everyday since!
spending 1 hundred to 150.00 a night in there! Didn't even send his girls a Christmas card. His girls still call me and
love me!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 January 2011):
 you are NOT a quitter. What you have done is about self preservation.
And it's a smart move by you.
His actions indicate no respect for you. And he knows all the tricks (Linda listed as Larry in his phone list - classic from Cheaters.Inc)
He is a bona fide proven L I A R
You are well rid of him.
Now that you have seen through him it is
time to regroup, and be ready well in advance, just in case a likely man impresses you.
Think about the qualities you would like in the man who will treat you better. Make a list you think = essentials in a man, where you will only consider a guy who 'ticks all the criteria points'. It is not about looks. And it is Never about who he says he is, or what he claims he will do.
It is about who he really is - based on his actions and the outcomes from those actions. Everyone's 'criteria' list would be different. Though a criteria list can include the same sort of points the banks use to assess the reliability and stability of a person. So, if I was looking, for a decent guy then my criteria list would list:
1. In stable employment continuously for minimum of 5 years (unless unavoidable lay-off - but quickly looking for work - not sitting home doing nothing)
2. Respected by his peers, friends, colleagues, neighbors
3. Not extravagant but instead sensible with money and saving and the way he lives his life.
4. Not a loner
5. Drives courteously, not recklessly
6. Speaks respectfully about and to his mother
7. Is not arrogant, not boastful.
8. If he offers to do something, like phone, he does it. He does not offer excuses on why he didn't - belatedly.
9 no gambling issues, no substance abuse, no excess alcohol issues.
10. No criminal history/associations
I have many more criteria, but I think you can see my list is about the character of the man. Not his bravado. Not his words, not his false promises offered in haste, to win you over to his charms. Not his 'cuteness' factor.
A lot of the things on such a list go unsaid in our minds, but when you list the character traits it chrystalises the traits in your mind. Making it easier to see the right man, and exclude the wrong man, when you meet him.
time for you to start listing t
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 If you were a quitter you would have given up on him years ago. You have done all you can to bring honesty and respect into the marriage, and he has done his best to ruin it.
Turning off the phone and clearing all text points to a person with something to hide. I think you have taken the right decision, I wish you and your daughter well for the future!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): No, not at all. You wised up and left. Good for you and I one hundred percent support your decision. You didnt wanna subject yourself to many risks, further immaturity, an emotional roller coaster, and also further lies. Thats excellent you got out of that and took off so you can continue your focus on your own life and progress. Good luck here :)
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