A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone...I'm having some struggles with my sexuality/sexual identity. I am a female, and I am in love with a man. We plan on getting married, we are both very attracted to one another and we're super happy. The thing is, I am also very attracted to women. My partner knows this and is fully supportive of my sexuality and would be comfortable with me being with women as well. I just don't know how to go about it. I want to pursue relationships with women, but I don't want to not tell them I am in a relationship with a man, but when I do they back off and I have no chance. I am also terrified of overtly coming out as bisexual, because most people I know would be mortified. How can I approach relationships with other women while also honoring my primary relationship? Thank you all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
 OP thank you for the follow up. I get what you are saying and it sounds to me like it will work in your relationship based on the parameters you are setting.
You are looking for casual physical hook ups. That’s easy. Esp if you are looking for some fun with some bi-curious girls…
My suggestions continue to stand… Get on OKCUPID and seek FWB . Same with Plenty of FISH… other hookup places, Yahoo adult groups and Craig’s list but with those be very careful… vet those you are going to hook up with and keep the first meeting in public totally and trust all vibes.
Also I strongly suggest the mandated use of condoms and dental dams as well as bi-annual blood work and STD check ups with your doctors.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 February 2014):
Dear OP,
I think your relationship scenario - too bisexual/bicurious partners with equal rights - is the best one to try out the "open relationship" thing. I've met two couples who are like that (bisexual man and woman) and they both said they were fine. I don't know for how long it worked out for them, they were only acquaintances. So, no one can guarantee you it's a smart idea to do this.
Your relationship may change or become more difficult, but denying this desire might also change your relationship over time. This is going to be a "learning by doing" thing.
If the question of this post was how to get to know women, I'd say go for swinger clubs or places where there is some alternative lifestyle going on, alone or with your partner. Maybe you even find a like-minded couple there? Going into a gay/lesbian club might not be a great idea if you go with your partner, because in general, people there aren't fond of couples looking for casual sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I left out some critical details of my situation. I am bisexual, AND my partner is also bisexual. He likes men. We have agreed on parameters about outside-of-relationship experiences, me with women and he with men, and he is all for that. I don't want to bring a girlfriend into our relationship, I just really like women physically. My first sexual experience (continuing from the ages of 12-14) was with a girl, and I guess that desire just never left. Though, I am absolutely not a lesbian. My guy and I have great sex. I just don't know how to, or if it is even feasible in my relationship status, to have casual experiences with other women. Thank you all for your responses.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (15 February 2014):
Dear OP,
I am also bisexual, but I feel like I can't have a serious emotional and sexual relationship with a woman and a man at the same time. Maybe if I was older and more mature, but right now I need and want the stability and intimacy of a two-some scenario.
What I could advise you is to come clear what kind of "deal" you want to make with that potential woman in your life. Because, I think to have one night stands with lesbian or bisexual women while in a committed relationship - that seems realistic. You don't have to be honest about your relationship or even mention it if it's all about having fun for one night. Maybe even a threesome is possible.
But - if you would really like to have the intimacy and romance of a LOVE between two women, it might get difficult. Many lesbian or bisexual women have made the experience of not feeling good enough to be a committed partner, to just be "the experiment" or "the phase" of a curious, bisexual or maybe more straight woman. That's so hurtful. To have a long-term relationship and then being abandoned, because the woman wants to start a traditional family, or "needs a d**k" or whatever. As a result of this, many women will protect themselves from having more emotions for you, which is sensible from their parts. I doubt any woman wants to be your side-kick and lose her heart to you, while you can still go home to your future husband and not risk even half of your heart to get broken. It might also be way too much for your partner to bear.
I know in theory polyamory can work out, but that means both partners are open to new people or share the same mutual partner. Which might get complicated too.. imagine sharing your girlfriend with your boyfriend.. always having a woman to compare to in bed, in life - by the way, he could only marry one of you - .. or letting your boyfriend have sex with other women, wondering what he might enjoy more..?
Just think about it. Maybe you find a good compromise. Maybe you need to make a tough decision.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2014):
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!.... read some of the replies...
As a monogamous bisexual woman who is married I'll try to give you my POV.... I am OPENLY bi. Does not phase anyone. OF course since I met and committed to my current partner I choose not to have others in my marital bed and here is why:
My background... I was married to a man before my current husband who I was ACTIVE in the swinger lifestyle with. ONE of the reasons was because I liked my girl play. No it's not about bringing someone home for him to have a threesome with (as someone mentioned) although that was done at parties and at times.
Sometimes girl play was just the girls.... and hubby had to deal. But he did because he had his own girls to play with. That seemed fair. I get to sleep around so should he right?
OP will you be ok if one night you go out on your respective date with your girlfriend and he goes out with his? IF you say "but that's different" tell me how it's different for you to have sex outside of your committed relationship but not permit him to have the same thing? Since he's not the one who is bisexual you clearly know he ALSO would be dating girls right?
ARE YOU OK WITH THAT? IF so... well then I think "ok cupid" or "plenty of fish" websites which are free and mostly for hoookups will work great for the both you of... you can help him create his page and he can help you create yours....
If you want to play together with a girl... go for the unicorn...
I have to be honest however... having others in our relationship is what destroyed our marriage. I know of many marriages who have or are in the process of ending now due to the lifestyle. It's sad really one couple is together over 10 years and the wife is checking out now... with a set of twins age 5 no less... really sad. All because of allowing play outside of the primary relationship.
If you wish to play without your partner being with you, are your prepared to have him play without you around with other women? You need to be otherwise you are asking for an unfair reality. I gave up girl play with my current husband not because he's NOT ok with my being bi, but rather because I do not wish to share HIM with other women and therefore it's not acceptable to me to have outside relationships with other women. I do go out with my girlfriends for dinner and such but none of them are bisexual friends.
Again the best thing to do would be consider having flings with women to satisfy that "girl play" urge and finding them on the free hookup sites mentioned (OKCUPID and POF) should be just fine.
IF you want more than hooking up with a girl then yes you probably want a unicorn for the use of the couple... and a good polyamory site can help.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2014):
I say do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. If your bf is cool that you want to date other people why wouldn't you. Although you should share, that's only fair.
However, by not telling the truth about your relationship status you are not longer "not hurting anyone".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Like Cerberus mentioned there is polygamous-groups or swingers you can consider, but being bi sexual doesn't mean you should be with BOTH men and women at the same time. It means you are attracted to both.
I understand that if you met a bisexual woman or lesbian, she might not want to "share" her partner (you) with someone else, be it a guy or a girl).
I also agree that "experimentation" should be while you are single. This you are suggesting seems like you are using your sexuality to have your cake (bf) and eat out too (gf on the side).
I guess you would have to talk to your BF and find out exactly what he is comfortable with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Just look up some polyamory websites online and see if there are any in your local area.
There are niches for this kind of thing online. It may turn out it's only possible to have an online relationship with a woman as it's still a bit rare. Most people hate the idea of sharing their partner sexually, nevermind have a relationship. Plus your partner has to give them proof you're not just saying it to cheat on him.
I think you've gotten this the wrong way around though. Bisexual doesn't mean you trying relationships with women, just sex.
Personally I don't think it would be a good idea to try an have a relationship with someone else. I'm sure it sounds fine for your partner on paper but it would become very different if you started dating, spending time and falling in love with another person.
Why not try a swingers club? From what I know there are plenty of bi and lesbian couples that like to swing too if he's not fond of the idea of you being sexual with another man. Plus if you get to enjoy another woman it's only fair he gets to have some fun with others too.
With all due respect if you won't allow that or are not fond of that, no matter how fine with it he says he is, it'll definitely become a problem.
Go online and do some research on the topic. Join some forums and ask for advice from couples who live this lifestyle and use that advice to formulate very strict rules based on what you and he are comfortable with. OP don't leave anything to chance. Tolerate is not the same as comfort, if he has any doubts about an aspect and you go ahead and try that it'll end up ruining everything. He has to want this too, and not just allow you because he loves you. If it's something that he sees as a sacrifice he's willing to make then it'll kill him, it'll be a nasty surprise when he realizes it was too much of a sacrifice.
OP sexual fantasies involving other people are usually better left as fantasies. Most people think they'd be fine having a threesome until they see their partner put all their devotion into the other person and feel like they're watching their partner cheat. It's just impossible to gauge the emotional impact of seeing your partner make love to another person. It may seem hot in your mind but it can be very different in reality.
With all due respect, OP, experimentation should have been done when you were single. My wife has always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a black man, she doesn't get to find that out now. She could of course but it would mean divorce.
If you and he are secure enough to handle another person then go ahead. But frankly I think you wanting to experiment is something you should have done before you decided to settle down with one person because frankly you risk the entire relationship over a bit of confusion.
You're in love with a person you're getting married to, why do need to know if you're bi or not? Where's the struggle?
The only struggle is if you're actually a lesbian and sex with your boyfriend doesn't work. You see because I'd like to try out sex with a middle aged woman or older while I'm still fairly young, just to see what it would be like. But I don't get to commit and then decide I want to experiment. I don't see where this "struggle" you talk about comes from. Unless of course the guy you're with is not enough for you, in which case you shouldn't really be with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): I'm bi.
Why would I want a relationship with someone who can't commit to me?
If I want a fling, I can find lots of single people with whom fwb is less complicated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014):
Your primary partner ' the guy' may be loving the fantasy idea of this right now .. Oo a woman who brings other ' free' puddy home for entertainment ( and hell it might work out . So let's say you do find a woman ? Is she going to be comfortable with your ' guy ' watching ?? Will he want to watch ? If not watch participate ?? So let's say the woman says hell no this is just you and me ' solo ' sex so the guy is okey at the beginning ( as in his mind their a plan, see that one day he will be included and why not you love him. Right?? '
Then as time expires he soon realises ' hey, all I'm getting are the stories of what happened, I don't particapAte, I don't get to watch ' etc then jeous tears it's ugly head and even if he does do the above it still can as women connect differently to each other than men and female do . So there will be jealous there as well.
In my opinion, what your asking for is a ticket to ' cheat ' endrossed by your partner ..
If you love one person truly love them .. Then you could not bare to think of sharing them or yourself with anyone else for sexually kicks . That is my thoughts but what you do is genuinely up to you .
Just be aware life has a way of biting you in the butt .
Take care . X
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (15 February 2014):
 All I can tell you from experience is both people plus yourself need to be mature open and talk about it upfront. If the person cant handle you being bi it wont work. I have been married and brought a few women into my life they were willing and I tell them the truth. Everybody knows the truth so I give them fair choice to deal or not. A few of the ladies wanted me to leave my ex cause he was wacky out but I have children with him and his is a ride along and we just have history he really cares for me no matter what. He will be in my corner. But he got jealous causd some of the other ladies want to move on a have a solo serious relationship. Which I should have did causd this guy is sometime very full of himself. When you have children with someone and that ascept is good but other things are not it cause problems. When dealing with both sexes people get jealous misery love company is all I will say. Me and all my exs are broken up. I think we had alot of good times along with the bad. I dont know why I like 3 somes i will share my husband in a orgy but he couldnt keep up he fell off. He let jealous get the best of him. So now I wony be doing all that unless we break up.
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