A
male
age
30-35,
*sc8231
writes:Alright, so I have a problem that I have posted about on here before. It has been years, so hopefully I'n not bothering anyone again with the same question. I am a 20 year old gay (possibly bi?) male. I am in love with one of my sightly younger best friends, and I have been for a while. My only problem is that he has never told me that he is gay (nor I him), although all signs point to flaming (no offense intended). Basically If he had not denied his homosexuality on multiple occasions, probably due to his extremely strict Christian upbringing, I would have no doubt in my mind that he was gay. For the stereotypes: He is artistic, loves Lady Gaga, is very particular about his appearance, dresses very well, takes "selfies" of himself shirtless in feminine poses, has a bit of a lisp (IMO), and hangs around with a lot of girls. His number one snapchat contact is an openly gay friend of his, whom I also know that he texts on a regular basis. This kid has been his #1 ever since he started using the program. He rarely, if ever, talks about women around me; and it's usually only when his brother is around.For more evidence: He has always been very touchy feely with me, like he has no boundaries when I'm around. He slaps me on the @$$ frequently. He touches my chest, hugs me, puts his arm/s around me, puts his head on my shoulder, etc. He also allows me to do the same, which is something that you average straight male would punch me for. He and I have always been really close, and I'm pretty sure that his family suspects that something is up because his father addressed his brother about it several years ago (his brother is also my friend). We used to tell each other "I love you" quite frequently, but that has stopped since his brother got onto his case about 2 years ago about "not acting like you like him". That, however, has not stopped the rest of the flirting. We have snuggled under blankets playing footsie. He suggested one time that we should "smooch", although I don't know how serious he was. Probably my strongest evidence that he is gay, however, is that several years ago his brother ended up going through his internet search history and finding some gay porn. I still worry that maybe a virus caused it, but there was also a search for "teens struggling with homosexuality", which I don't think a virus would search...Anyway, my two questions are as follows: 1) Do you think this kid is gay and likes me? and 2) How do gay males act with their female friends? Because he is pretty close to my sister, and although she claims that she doesn't think that he likes her, I worry about it sometimes. He is also close with another female friend of ours, but she is in a relationship. It's almost like he treats them as one of his "girlfriends" in the same way that girls treat each other. Hell, he was talking about periods with one of them the other day. Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, jc2008  +, writes (16 February 2014):
Hey, I would come out the closet yourself and that way you will take a lot of the power he has on you away. It sounds to us as if you are scared of coming out. I have been in the same situation before and came out aged 19. I know it might be hard, it isn't easy but if you carry on like this you will hurt yourself with this obsession.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I really don't know why you're subjecting yourself to this crap. What advice are you exactly looking for if you've got every reason in the world do dismiss everything.
Maybe you're just a bit obsessed, and really need to just get away from him to clear your head. He's the only one you know that "might be" gay; and the fact you think you both hold something in-common, aside from all the hanky-panky; is the only reason you're chasing each other around.
Seriously! Enough already! Everyone already knows you're both gay. No girlfriends and spending a lot of time with each other. Case closed.
Trust me on that.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
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A
male
reader, usc8231 +, writes (16 February 2014):
usc8231 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that my best bet is to just come out to him and get it over with. I haven't done that yet because of the potential risks. 1) Him being gay, but scared of himself so he denies it and outs me to the whole world. Or 2) He's not gay and outs me to the whole world because he thinks that it's such a "sin". I know there is a pretty good chance that he is gay, but it's the little things that make me hesitant. For example, he is really good friends with my sister (like I have said before) but I don't know if he just wants to be her friend or more than friends. He hangs out with her at school (they have similar personality types and are both more intelligent than your average joe). She has gone back and forth between "he's flamingly gay and I'm afraid he's using me as a distraction from his gayness" and "I think he's just a normal teenage guy". He talks about her some when I am with him, but not too much, and never seems like he is interested in any way but as a friend. But then he goes and makes one of his profile pictures (not facebook, just another random app) a picture of them together making a goofy face.
On the flip side, he treats me like he likes me (IMO), but I cannot be sure because of the other stuff. Like the other night he was putting his arm around my waist/shoulders (like you do with a girl), putting his head on my shoulder, patting me on the butt, and grabbing my chest, etc... And I know that this stuff isn't proof that he's 100% gay, but all of the other evidence (personality, likes/dislikes, general interest in things considered "gay") seems to point that way...
IDK... I'm just really confused about this whole thing as you can see since it's been going on for so long (almost 5 years now). I'm not against waiting until we are both, or at least I am, financially stable to do anything. I don't even need to know for sure that he likes me at this point. I just want to know if y'all think that his actions towards my sister are signs of affection or he's just trying to be her friend. I need there to be a chance... Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I'm gay also. I think your gaydar is right on target. I think his obstacle is the fact that you know his dad and his father.
He gives you plenty of clues, but it goes unspoken; because
he doesn't want you to expose the fact before he is ready to do it himself.
Continue to allow him to be at ease with you. Since he is uncertain of your orientation, he will not come out to you.
He's waiting for you to do it first. Smart move!
I have had many straight male friends who are comfortable with being tactile, they don't mind being touched. They do draw a line; which I never cross. Sometimes I have to draw the line; because I don't like being used for their experimentation, gay curiosity; or to try things they wouldn't dare with anyone else. Only to act startled when I respond.
I think you can safely consider your friend gay. Just be careful about being "in-love" before you know the feelings are mutual. He could be attracted; but not in-love. It really is only an infatuation; until the other person feels exactly as you do.
Until you come out to him, he is only leaving the closet door slightly cracked. There will always be a foot behind to slam it shut when his father or brother get too involved. They know, but they're making sure he keeps that door shut.
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A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (15 February 2014):
Hi USC, I must say I feel for you over this because I myself have been in situations where I have had a crush but too scared to do anything about it. Our friendship didn't survive in the end but the situation was totally different.
Anyway, I have been following your situation for the last two years, at first we could have all put it down to his young age but to be honest post puberty most guys (and I know from my experience) know that they are gay/bi and want to start exploring their sexuality.
Ok this has gone on for a long time and I am guessing this guy is at least 18 or over now? Ok you really need closure on this so that you can either pursue a relationship or move on with your life and find someone who is confident with who they are and likes you back.
You have two choices; First, Get him on his own, tell him you are gay and you like him or at least come out to him and show him some confidence from a close friend then tell him you like him. If he pulls away, yea its going to hurt but at least you have an answer. If he tries to say you hit on him or something nasty (I doubt he will) you could always deny it and with his track record they aren't likely to believe him. If he says he does like you, take it slowly but don't get too serious or needy too fast. Enjoy it if it happens
Second,
Decide that you can't have him and walk away. Stop talking to him for a while and go out and find someone you can have. I am not saying reject him for life but you need to clear your head at least.
I hope it all works out for you and I think it will in the end whatever happens. Just realize that the longer things go on the way they are, you are going to get hurt and miss out on being with someone you could have.
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