A
male
age
30-35,
The Realist
writes:When your in a relationship, either married or dating I think it is safe to say that equality in that relationship is a very good thing. I'm interested in seeing what everyone can come up with for equality points in a relationship. I'm not really talking about only the big issues but also subtle points that may not ever really be thought of. Here are some examples and I look forward to seeing what everyone else will come up with.-paying for dates: typically the man is stereotyped to be the one who pays for dates and even I can say that I like to most of the time but when you start to get past those first few dates there should definitely be contribution from both sides. -house work: I have read that women find it very sexy when a man is able to take care of the house and if anyone agrees then let me know. Here you can either trade off on doing tasks or pick tasks for each person to do on a regular basis. -personal grooming: I think this one more goes out to the guys but it does apply to both sexes. If you want your partner to be shaven or well groomed it's only fair that you put in the effort to groom yourself for your partner. -sex/sexual favours: Sex should never be focused on just one person but the other parts of the sexual relationship do tend to need work on. For example going down on your partner; where it's really unfair if one person always does it when the other one does not. My rule for this is you should return the favours and do not accept any that you are unwilling to return. -even something simple as taking turns driving places I have seen people struggle with. These things may not always be at the front of your mind but I think they are something that very few people actually bring up. Relationships aren't just about the big questions, it's the little things, the day to day things that really keep it all together. Reply to this Article
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (27 January 2011):
The Realist is verified as being by the original poster of the question I also want to add that in an arguement things should be equal. Each side should be heard and understood. If it is one sided no one comes out to be the winner. There should be no attacks on the other person and the arguement should focus on the issue not the individual characteristics. This one is very rarely done but is something we can all strive to do better in, myself included.
A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (27 January 2011):
The Realist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think that equality is being understood here. I'm not talking about it in the sense of balncing a check book making sure each dollar is accounted for. I'm talking about the effort put into a relaionship and using the little things that people often forget about till they are a problem in the relationship. The bigger issue like proposing for example are not really part of it. I'm searching for peoples examples of things that one can do in a relationship to find that balance in effort because saying the word effort will get you no where with out some sort of reference to fall back on.
There will always be a divide in duties but if you leave it at that and do not try to make the effort put in equal then the realtionship is doomed to be one sided. Of course this is different when you are just dating, it's more applicable to when you are in a serious relationship but it won't hurt a new relationship to have these things in mind.
As for the house work example it has been published and only applies to long term relationships in the sense that by taking a task the the woman feels responsible for doing and having the man do it it lightens things on her mind and that is where the attraction comes from. I'm not saying that it will work on a first date or anything.
This isn't complicated it's just taking a second to think about what two people do in a relationship. If one person wants to work harder then that is fine but to be happy they will probably still see the couples duties as being equal which it can be seen to be in terms of effort which is fine. If this isn't the case then I can't say that the relationship would go all that far because it is very natural for someone to get fed up of doing so much more very quickly.
Sammi star has the right idea here in that it's the little things that one puts effort into that really makes the realtionship work. It can be even just putting the effort into saying thank you that can make the realtionship one of equality.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 No.. Can't do it... too complicated...lol
You may have a dominant female-passive male... then equality would be boring to them.
Or one sick/disabled partner and one healthy... equality not possible.
Wife is a professional driver... Husband owns the car.
Relationships from the outside may look equal or the same as every other relationship. But close the door and all kind of strageries and set up's evolve.
I like a man to offer to pay for me.. but then when he tries, I get angry. Illogical, yep, unfair, yep, but often relationships are like that. It's more useful thinking about understanding, communicating and compromising, than having fixed rules.
Fair play is nice with oral sex... except when you meet two people who like to give but hate to receive... lol
yep... too complicated for me, but an interesting topic to bring up.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Your intentions are obviously good, but I think you're mixing up equality with same-ness.
Some things, sure. Sex/sexual favors and grooming would be one of them.
Equal-but-different would be the operative word here. Men and women are very different, down to our genes, and nothing can ever change that. It's only natural that certain behaviors and "duties" (if someone can come up with a better word, I'd be grateful) should be different too.
An example would be paying for dates - women *expect* to have their first dates paid for, not because it's fair, but because it's what they are accustomed to.
Focusing on one issue rather than the relationship as a whole is a great way to get into arguments. For example, housework - it would be great if everyone shared that equally, but what if the man does all the yardwork? What if the woman works longer hours, or a harder job? What if one person takes care of the kids more? Trying to split and measure every task equally is impractical and inefficent. Moreover, I think it just makes everyone less happy.
That assumes, of course, the study about women findign housework "sexy" is reliable. I somewhat doubt any woman has ever consistently jumped a man's bones for years at a time because he mopped. I'm sure women would love a guy who mops; I just doubt they find it "sexy."
More than just the specific examples, though, I really believe that most (not all) women want a man who is naturally the more dominant party in the relationship. They want a guy who just naturally leads them, whether it's in the little things (he drives most of the time) or the big things (wanting him to propose, even if she's "hinting," rather than proposing herself). Too much egalitarianism undermines that.
The idea should not be to focus on equality, but to focus on both people making their best effort, in their own way, to increase mutual satisfaction. Ideally, each party thinks the other one works harder; more likely, each feels they work harder than the other, but feels satisfied with it. Trying to ensure each person is putting in an equal share undermines that.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Absolutly right, it's the little day to day things that matter the most. When you live with someone and see them every day it's easy to take them for granted so showing them a little kindness and consideration everyday makes the relationship stronger.
The things that spring to mind with my partner and I are how he'll always make me coffee and put my favourite show on when I've been in the kitchen cooking for a lot of the evening. Or the fact tht I know he will never get up on time, therefore spending the morning rushing around so I'll make his lunch for work the night before despite his protests that he'll be up on time to make it himself!
Things should never be one sided with one partner doing way more than the other. Nice post :)
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